


I'm Just The Drummer | Lashton

by xdistorted_cliffordx



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Adorable, All Time Low (Band) - Freeform, Ashton Irwin - Freeform, Ashton Irwin Loves Luke Hemmings, BoyxBoy, Calum Hood - Freeform, Cheating, Depressed Ashton, Depression, Gay, LGBT, Lashton - Freeform, Luke Hemmings - Freeform, Luke Hemmings Loves Ashton Irwin, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin Fluff, M/M, Michael Clifford & Calum Hood Friendship, Michael Clifford - Freeform, Protective Luke, Rock Out With Your Socks Out Tour, Self harming Ashton, Suicidal Ashton, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, established Luke Hemmings / Ashton Irwin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 60,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4922767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdistorted_cliffordx/pseuds/xdistorted_cliffordx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody ever gives a shit about the drummer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Internal War

**Author's Note:**

> This story is also under my Wattpad account, @1D_HarryStyles_1D

Sometimes, it's unfair to be the drummer.

Actually, every time you aren't performing, it sucks ass.

You watch the other boys, who play guitars, get the girls and watch the fans suck after them. And when you, the drummer, try to get in on the action because you're part of the bloody band too, the girls always ask you a) who you are or b) get out of the picture. It hurts. Deep.

All I have ever wanted was to be liked as much as the other three. But no, that's not going to happen because for one, I can't sing. And I'm not a guitarist/bassist.

I'm just the drummer.

As close as I am with Luke, Mikey, and Cal, they have no idea that I'm battling these thoughts, this depression everyday. I simply hide it from them because I don't want their pity. I don't want them preaching to the fans that I'm just as important to 5 Seconds of Summer as they are. Because I'm really not. We were just a "garage" band and I wasn't the assigned unknown drummer like Josh Devine is for One Direction.

Fans know my name. They know I'm Ashton Irwin. But the thing is, they don't care about the drummer. Drummers don't do anything except give the song a simple beat. I've tried to make myself more than just a drummer by being funny and shit in Keeks, interviews, YouTube videos. But they didn't seem to work anyway because I'm still not as liked as the others.

As of right now, I'm sitting, scrolling through my Twitter, reading all the lovely tweets from my supposed fans. I always believed in the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" up until 5 Seconds of Summer started to get recognized and all on YouTube. That saying is such a lie.

@Ashton5SOS when will u leave 5sos??

@Ashton5SOS ur so ugly. Nd u sing like shit.

@Ashton5SOS ur only inthe band bc the others were desperate.

These girls are so vicious.

The front door opened and I booked it to my room. I didn't want to give those three any suspicions about what was going on with me. As I said before: I don'twant their sympathy. I'm one of those people who doesn't want anyone to know if they're feeling anything but happy. I'm the person who's a professional at hiding their feelings by putting on a happy face.

I heard Calum sing something, probably joking with the other two boys. His voice was beautiful and he knows it. We know it. Everyoneknows it. That's why he gets vocal parts. Because he's an amazing singer. Which he deserves; it's a talent that can't be hidden.

I heard Luke's voice coming closer to my closed door, saying how he was wondering why I wasn't talking to them, making me pull the cheetah print covers tighter over my head. I wasn't in the mood to see anyone. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. The depressed feeling I have is going to run its course so I can get back to my somewhat normal self.

"Ash-" Luke started, but then he stopped, seeing that I was 'sleeping'. "Ashton?"

I wanted so badly to answer him, to tell him what was going on with me. That this depression was what was making me antisocial, nothing they did. But I didn't want everyone treating me different, like I was some fragile piece of glass.

\----

My eyes flipped open, seeing that the bedroom was completely dark. I didn't think I'd fall asleep that long because I wasn't that tired when I had originally crawled in this bed. There wasn't any voices coming from the living room. The boys probably went out again, just partying this time. It didn't particularly bother me that they didn't wake me to go along; I must have really needed that nap.

I got out of bed, feeling much better and happier now. I was feeling more like the real Ashton Fletcher Irwin, the fun and lively one. I didn't bother remaking my bed, just turning on my phone screen to light my path towards the door. I went out to the kitchen, rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand as I continued. Most lights were off, except for the one above the sink. I saw a note sitting on the counter, the corners blowing slowly up in the slight breeze from the ceiling fan.

Ash-

Mikey & I went out for a bit. Luke's in his room.

❤Cal

I crumpled the note and threw it into the garbage can. It made me feel a little more happier knowing that Luke was home as well and I wasn't solo yet again. Usually, I would leave him be since I didn't know if he was asleep, but I really wanted to talk to him. I haven't really talked to him for a while and I missed him, even if I did see him everyday.

I pulled out my phone, bringing up Luke's name and typed up a text so I wouldn't barge in and wake him if he was napping also.

To: Luke The Penguin

You sleeping???

I actually didn't expect a reply, at least for an hour or so anyway. But instead, I got a text within seconds.

From: Luke The Penguin

No. Come in.

I left the kitchen and went back down the hallway to Luke's room. Before I opened the door, I heard a small him of music, sounding like All Time Low. I opened the door finally, walking in to find Luke lying on his bed as he scrolled through his phone. When he saw me, he smiled warmly.

"Hi there," he greeted softly. "It's been a while. Come sit."

I went over to the bed where he was patting, climbing in next to him and rested my back against the headboard. I just watched as Luke scrolled through Tumblr, seeing numerous pictures of him, Cal, Mikey, and one or two of me.

I'm just the drummer.

He looked over at me when he noticed I was looking on with him, a playful grin forming on his lips. "Are you going to sit there like a bump on a pickle or are you going to say something to me? It's been a while since I've talked to you."

"It has," I answered.

"What's going on with you? You haven't said more than five word sentences to us for three days. Is everything alright?" Luke questioned. It was the exact thing I wanted to tell him, to tell somebody, but I just couldn't bring myself to. It wasn't that I didn't trust him or anything, injist was happy with keeping all of this to myself.

"Nothing. I haven't been feeling well," I lied, not making eye contact with his deep blue irises. It would only make me feel guiltier.

"How are you feeling now? Why didn't you tell one of us?" he questioned. "We thought you were angry at us or something."

"I'm sorry. I was too busy trying to shake whatever it was, but that nap was really what I needed," I answered, not lying this time.

Luke smiled, happy about my lie I had just told him so he wouldn't be all worried about me. I just returned it, not wanting him to think something was up. I saw his phone light up with a call from Calum, making him turn to look at it as well.

"I better get that. They might be too drunk to function," Luke said, both us laughing. As I got up, he grabbed my clammy hand. "Can I have a hug?"

I nodded and gave him a small smile, bending down and wrapping my arms around the eighteen year old boy. That's what I really could've used a little bit; a Hemmings Hug. He just had this way of making you feel better, happier. It was just what Luke did.

"Don't shut me or Mikey or Cal out like that again, okay? We were really worried about you," the younger boy instructed. It should be mebossing him around, not the other way! But I was okay with it. I'm glad Luke is willing to listen. It's just whether or not I want to tell him.

\----

After awhile of being alone with each other, Luke and I went to Panda Express for some dinner considering neither of us wanted to cook. There was more people in there than I expected, but I didn't care because I was fucking hungry.

"You want to wait or go somewhere else?" Luke asked me before we walked in.

"We can wait. It isn't that long," I replied. He nodded. "Plus, you have an advantage, Luke Hemmings."

"So do you, Ashton Irwin!" Luke teased, chuckling. If only he knew that I really didn't.

When he opened the door and we walked in, a few people looked over as they always do when the front door bell chimes. But then, there were some who's mouths dropped to the floor. It didn't take more than a few seconds before a small crowd formed around us.

"Oh my God! You're Luke Hemmings from Five Sauce!" the first girl squealed, about eighteen. "Can I please get my picture with you?!"

That was what most of the fans were saying. To Luke. Not one of them even knew that I was there. So instead of listening to all the bullshit and watching my bandmateget his recognition, I simply stepped out of line and went over to the toilets.

This wasn't fucking fair. I am just as much as part of 5 Seconds of Summer as Luke! Fuck, if they didn't have me, they wouldn't have a fucking song! But I guess people think otherwise. I was literally storming towards the secluded restroom before I blew a cap.

Once in there, I was nearly in tears; angry tears to be specific. I made sure that nobody was in the stalls and then locked myself in one, letting all of my anger and sadness out as the negative thoughts filtered through my mind.

"Why don't any of these cunts give half a shit about me?! It's always about Luke or Calum or Mikey, never about Ashton. I quit this fucking band!" I vented, crying angrily into my hands as I sat on the toilet.

I heard the main door open and quickly got myself together, trying my hardest not to make a sound as the tears ran like a leaky faucet down my cheeks. Slowly and stealthily, I looked underneath the stall door, the very familiar all black Vans walking around.

"Ash? Ashton, are you in here?" Luke called, sounding serious and concerned.

Now was the time to either magically get better or tell the truth to him. Either way, I needed to do something. "Y-yeah?"

"Can you come out of there?" he requested. I got off the toilet, flushing the toilet to make it look like I had went to the restroom. I unlocked the stall and walked out, Luke's face laced with worry and concern. "Are you okay? You looked pissed when you took off."

"Yeah. I'm fine," I lied.

\----


	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap:
> 
> "Can you come out of there?" he requested. I got off the toilet, flushing the toilet to make it look like I had went to the restroom. I unlocked the stall and walked out, Luke's face laced with worry and concern. "Are you okay? You looked pissed when you took off."
> 
> "Yeah. I'm fine," I lied.

There wasn't many words spoken after Luke and I had went out of the toilets. Thankfully, he asked if we could have our order for take out so we didn't have to deal with fans coming up and asking for his noodles or whatever the fuck they wanted. He told me that we were just going to take it home and eat. 

But he hasn't said anything to me after that and we were now walking into the house. He stopped at the counter, getting our meals separated on the counter. It was odd for Luke to be as quiet as he was and it was frankly bothering me.

"Luke, are you okay?" I asked quietly as Luke sat down on the couch and began digging into his Chinese meal. 

"I'm fine," he made out as he chewed. He swallowed and then his blue eyes flickered up to mine. "I just want to know what's wrong with you."

"N-nothing," I answered, lying to him again.

"That's a fucking lie. Why else would you have stormed off into the restroom when we were in the middle of talking to fans?!" he asked, his voice rising. "Nobody would just take off in the middle of something like that unless they were pissed!"

"Did you see any of them talking to me, asking me for autographs or pictures?! No! They were too busy kissing your ass!" I responded, my voice just as loud. I then realized what I had said and I knew that I nearly let it slip to him, which was exactly what he wanted. "I didn't storm off; I left because I had to piss! Can't a man do that without being scrutinized?! Good God, I didn't know I was going to be fucking interrogated!"

Luke sighed and looked at me, his hard expression getting soft. "Ashton, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you."

"About what? My prostate? Because that's working perfectly!" I responded coldly.

"Ash, stop. You haven't been yourself for a few days and I just want to know what's eating at you," Luke said, his tone soft.

"I told you: nothing is wrong with me. I'm fine!" I lied for what felt like the billionth time that night.

"I don't believe you one bit, but I'm not going to press it out of you. When you're ready to talk, find me," he instructed. "I thought we could talk to each other."

\----

I put the empty Chinese take out boxes that were scattered around my body on the floor and nightstand, wanting to stop spending so much time with my over-active brain as I started to walk out to the living room. After Luke and mind's little confrontation, I had taken my Chinese food into my room and ate all by lonesome, following up with some tinkering on the spare acoustic guitar sitting in the corner and then more sleep, even though iit was restless.

I was out in the kitchen, seeing Calum and Michael's shoes next to the door as if they had just came in and kicked them off. I brought my gaze to the glowing turquoise numbers, seeing it was 3:24 in the morning. I was unfortunately wide awake and I didn't know what to do since everyone else in the house was passed out. There was always the option of songwriting, but 3:30 is too early to come up with lyrics to the next number one hit.

"I don't believe you one bit, but I am not going to press it out of you. When you're ready to talk, find me," he instructed. "I thought we could talk to each other."

That's all that was repeating through my head as I walked around the dark house. I felt a twinge of guilt that I made Luke I didn't trust him, because that is certainly not true. I trust Luke with my life.But now, he doesn't know that. He thinks that he's done something for me notto trust him, which he hasn't. I just don't want to be treated like the fragile and insecure boy I used to be!

I grabbed the bag of Doritos on the counter and went out to the couch, plopping down and turning on the telly. I was trying to focus on the tattoo show that was on, just to keep my mind off of Luke.

"Thought I heard someone out here," a deep and groggy voice said fromnthe dark hallway. The owner of the voice stepped out into the glowing light from the telly, revealing that a boxer-brief clad Calum. "What are you doing up?"

"I should be asking the same of you, Mr. Party Pants," I replied, earning a smile from him.

"Eh, just hungry," he shrugged. "Mind if I join you for a bit?"

"No, no, come sit," I okayed, patting the empty seat cushion next to me.

Calum plopped down, digging his hand into the chip bag and taking a handful. It was somewhat the same situation with Calum as it was Luke, just that Calum didn't press for an explanation and just tried to ignore it. It was either that or he was completely oblivious to what his best friends were feeling.

"Do you know what's up with Luke?" he suddenly asked, his mouth full of orange mush.

Or he will just ask everyone else to find out details.

"Why?" I asked nonchalantly, not taking my gaze off of the screen.

"When Mikey and I came home, he was sitting here all sad and everything," Cal told me. My heart twisted, feeling like a dick for making him feel like shit for the rest of the night. "Do you know anything?"

"He was the same when I went to bed," I lied quietly, trying to keep my eyes from welling up.

"Hm. Maybe he isn't feeling well or something," Cal suggested, mostly just telling himself since I already knew. "He said something about you being sick when I called. Maybe he caught what you had?"

"It's a possibility," I shrugged. If only Calum knew that what I had wasn't contagious.

We sat there for a while in silence, not making any movements towards the Doritos or anything. I got out of my mind for a bit, which was exactly what I needed. My eyes were finally getting heavy with sleep and I felt that maybe I would actually get a few hours' sleep without interruptions. I opened my mouth to tell Calum that I was going to be going to bed, but when I looked over at him, he was curled up in a ball, fast asleep. Quietly, I got up, shaking the Dorito crumbs off of me and then grabbed the blanket that was on the other end of the couch, unfolding it and laying it over Calum's still body. 

I threw the empty bag of Doritos in the garbage can and shut the telly off, tiptoeing down to my bedroom. Quietly, I shut the door and turned the light on, my eyes automatically squinting at the bright light. I took off my shirt and jeans, just leaving them on the messy floor as I crawled into the unmade bed to hopefully get a nice and full sleep.

\----

I woke up to a ear piercing scream, making me instantly panic. I jumped out of the bed and out of my room to find out what happened. I ran towards the kitchen to where I thought the scream had came from, but when I got there Michael and Calum were standing there, laughing over their glasses of milk. I stopped, slumping my shoulders and my mouth going into a straight line. 

"Really?" I asked. "What the fuck do you want?"

"It's eleven. It's about time you got up," Mikey answered, an overly amused smirk on his face. 

"Don't scream like that. I thought one of you were injured or something!" I scolded. 

"Well, there's no other way to do it, so we went with the only option," Calum piped in. 

"Oh, there's plenty of other options that don't include screaming like a little schoolgirl," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's only eleven? What are you guys doing up?"

"What's that suppose to mean? We barely ever sleep past nine!" Michael defended as Calum elbowed him. "Fine. Ten."

"No, you idiots! I mean that you went out partying last night. Aren't you hungover?" I spelled out for them. 

"We didn't really drink that much last night. We just went to one club, had a few drinks, and then went out to get some food," Calum explained. 

"Are you hungover? Is that why you woke up so late?" Mike quizzed, trying to make it a joke. 

Just as I was about to open my mouth and say something smart, Luke walked in the front door, his fingers flying across the screen of his phone on the counter as he slurped on his Starbucks smoothie. He didn't even take a second glance at me. Was he that hurt?

"Morning, Luke," I said hesitantly, just to let him know that I wasn't angry with him. 

"Hi," he answered monotonously, not looking at me as he shoved the device into his sweatshirt and walked past all of us and into the living room. 

"What's up with him, Ash? You spent the night with him; you'd be the one to know if something did," Michael asked me. I didn't want to lie to Mikey too! 

"I'll talk to him," I exhaled, finally not lying about anything.

I took off towards his room, the only place that I knew he would be. The door was closed, so I was fully convinced that he was in there as it was wide open when I woke up this morning. Hesitantly, I knocked on the door, getting the response I was expecting: silence.

"Luke, come on. Open up," I sighed, knocking on the door again.

"Piss off, Ashton," I heard him say sharply.

"I'm going to stand here for the rest of the day if I have to," I told him, leaning against the wall and crossing my arms. I heard stumbling around on the other side of the door, making me smile slightly to myself. The door swung open, the breeze from it blowing my unkempt hair a bit. "Hello."

"What? Did you want to come make me feel like a shitty friend some more? Because if you do, get the fuck away from me. I feel shitty enough," Luke sneered, his expression cold and voice bitter.

"Why do you feel like a shitty friend?" I asked.

"Because that's pretty much what you implied last night! If I did something to lose your trust, please let me know what it was I did," he said, his blue eyes starting to glaze over with tears.

"Luke, you didn't do anything. Don't even think something like that," I scolded him.

"Then why won't you talk to me?!" he screeched.

"I'm talking to you right now," I sassed.

"That's not what I mean! Why won't you tell me what's bothering you?! I'm beyond worried about what's going on! You never tell me anything anymore! And you barely ever talk to me or the boys! You're not the same Ashton from before!" Luke vented, now yelling loud enough for Calum and Michael to hear it. I felt about as big as a flea with Luke shouting at me when the boy was rarely ever angry.

It was time. I had to tell him about the personal Hell I've been suffering through for so long.

"If you want me to talk to you so bad, can I start now?"

\----


	3. His Secret

For the last couple of days, Luke has been very cautious of when it was "fan-free" and what times would be safe for us when we go out. It makes me feel guilty that I'm making a simple shopping trip a hassle, but I have to admit, even though I didn't want to be treated differently, I kind of liked the fact that he was trying to make an effort to help me feel happier and tear me out of that disgusting depression.

After I told Luke everything, he had sworn he wouldn't tell Calum or Michael, who were being completely oblivious to their "schedule". He had even promised that he wouldn't tweet the fans that they should treat me better, unless if I wanted him to, in which case I most certainly didn't. I didn't want some phony tabloid picking it up and making the headline Ashton Irwin Crying For More Attention From Fans. That's the last thing I want if I'm being honest. As much as I want to be noticed more, I don't want it to be through Perez Hilton's shitty blog.

I was sitting on my bed, songbook on my lap, scribbling down some words that might become a song in the future, but doubtful since I'm writing on a whim. My stomach started to grumble and I suddenly got the craving for some ice cream or frozen yogurt. Setting my songbook at the foot of the bed, I got up and went over to my closet, grabbing the first band shirt I saw and slipped it over my bare torso. I grabbed my wallet from the dresser and went out towards the kitchen where Calum was making some snack mix.

"Where you going?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at me.

"To get some ice cream or something," I answered as I started putting on my shoes. Cal turned around, faking shock. "What?"

"So, you're not a vampire!" he shouted. I cocked my head at him, wondering if he was on some sort of drug.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I wondered, a slight chuckle in my voice.

"Mikey had this theory that you turned into a vampire because you barely ever go out in the daytime anymore and you just go out late at night. For the record, I thought he was completely delusional," Cal told me. For some dumb reason, that kind of offended me, but I just shrugged it off. I knew they were just joking around, but they actually were starting to notice and it wouldn't be long until I was being interrogated.

"I'm not. I've just been really tired during the day lately," I lied.

"Well, that better change because we've got a tour coming up!" he said, a smile on his face.

As he turned back to doing whatever, I let my shoulders slump as I went out the door. I had completely forgotten about the tour. Just what I needed: a tour to bring me back down into this slump that only one person understood. That happiness that I've been living in since I told Luke? Yeah, that's going back down the shitter.

\----

I was sitting on the brick ledge, restin my body against the house as I looked out over the night landscape. It was peaceful to be out here, alone and isolated from everyone else like I currently was. The other boys thought I had went to bed, but I snuck out my window and came out here to just be alone and think. None of them knew that I make frequent trips out here when I have things on my mind. Frankly, they never know when I have something eating away at me. I rarely tell anyone anything like that. It isn't that I don't trust them; I'm one of those private people who don't want anyone to know their feelings.

It's a horrible habit in most situations.

Okay, all situations.

I think the reason I was this way was because I felt like nobody understood me. That if I did open up to someone, they would look at me like I was talking in a foreign language. I didn't want to feel like I was just another crazy kid with mental problems. But they weren't mental problems; they were...emotional? I don't know. But that's why I never open up.

"I've been looking for you."

I tore my gaze away from the dark scenery to find Luke walking out of the house slowly, clad in an old singlet and athletic shorts. I returned the small smile he had with a half one. "Why were you looking for me?"

"Oh, I don't know. Got lonely," he said, laying down on the open part of the ledge.

"Aren't Cal and Mikey in there?" I wondered, scrunching my brow.

"Yeah. But I just wanted to be with you instead," he exhaled. At that, I became alert, not sure if I was hearing right, but I think Luke...no, he didn't like me like that! Did he?

"Wait, what?" I squeaked.

There was a pause and he said nothing, didn't move or anything. And then he took a breath. "Have you ever just looked at the stars? How they each have their own glow and differences about them? Some are brighter, some are more dull; some are big, some are small. They're beautiful every night, however bright or big they are.

But people always look at the big and bright ones because they're prettier and more noticed. Nobody ever notices the small and duller ones, the ones that put their all into shining the brightest they can, only to get shit in the end. They try and try to be noticed by the people below them, to get the same recognition but they'll only feel hated when the night's over because they feel that nobody looks at them.

Though, little do they know, there are people that notice them and their beauty. They shine their hardest and they do get the recognition they deserve, but they don't know it or realize it. The people just don't realize the little dull stars are just as magnificent until they're laying out under them, looking up at them and taking in all they have to offer. And those people make the "reject" star feel like they're wanted in the sky at night. Those people ache and want to see those dull and beautiful stars; they need to."

I didn't respond to Luke because I wasn't sure if the stars were what he was referring to. But if he was actually talking about stars, then I have some concerns about him because I didn't know he thought inanimate objects had feelings.

"I'm not referring to the stars, Ashton; I'm referring to you, to us," he said after a few moments.

"Luke...what are you trying to get at here? That I'm the reject and you're the high and mighty one that everyone loves? Because I already know that," I answered, my heart starting to flutter from the nerves.

"Ash, I'm not saying that. I'm trying to say that I'm the person that realized how beautiful you actually are. You gave me that realization when you told me what was happening. Ashton, you're the brightest star I can see," Luke explained. I thought I was understanding, but I wasn't sure if I was understanding the right thing.

"Luke," I urged, my stomach flooding with butterflies.

Luke sat up, now straddling the brick ledge like I was. He grabbed my hands in his large, warm ones, looking into my eyes with his iridescent blue ones. "You had the balls enough to tell me your secret and now, I feel like I can tell you mine."

"What secret?" I gulped, feeling perspiration start to bead up under my hairline. I could feel the sweat coming through my hands, making them clammy in Luke's.

"I'm in love with you, Ashton."

\----


	4. Reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some straight kissy stuff in this, but you'll understand why I included it. :)

I was completely frozen where I was sitting, my mouth hanging wide open. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Had he, Luke Hemmings, the straight as an arrow boy, just confessed that he was in lovewith me?

I didn't know what to say or what to do. Nobody has ever told me that they were in love with me or anything gushy like that. Hell, I've never said anything like that to anyone! This is catching me completely off guard and I...I'm confused.

Confused.

My mind has never been so messed up like it is now. I'm flattered that Luke admitted his feelings for lame old me? I'm just not sure if I feel the same about him. I just never thought about it. When I did, I just got...

Confused.

"Did you hear me, Ash?" Luke asked softly, snapping me back into reality. He gave me a weird look and I know it was because I had the most terrified expression on my face. "Ashton, say something. Please."

I couldn't. I was lost for words. I was literally unable to speak. My speech was literally disabled at this point and time.

So I did what I do best.

Run and hide.

I got off the brick ledge and ran back into the house, grabbing my wallet from the counter and sprinted out the door. I know Luke was probably feeling like I now hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, but that isn't true. I just...I don't know how to handle these types of things. I don't think anyone really does.

\----

I had no idea where I was. Somewhere in Sydney, but I wasn't sure where. I actually wasn't really even paying attention to my location; just the intervallic vibrations happening in my back pocket from my silenced iPhone. It was either Mikey or Calum. Luke probably locked himself in his room and hoped I would get eaten by a pack of wolves or something. I don't blame him if he thought that because I literally ran away from him like he was some insane escapee from the local asylum.

With the rumbling in my stomach, I decided to go into the little restaurant on the corner ahead of me. Maybe if I ordered coffee or something caffeinated, I would get my thoughts straightened out. There wasn't many people in there, just middle aged people getting off of the late shift or going to unwind.

I went to the counter, the cashier looking like she had had a hard and stressful day. Her hair was up in a ponytail, which looked as if it had loosened throughout the day, making her dyed brown hair wispy on her head. Her eyes had slight bags under them and the whites of them were tinted red. Her uniform was like she had just threw it on and didn't even care what she looked like. I gave her a smile, feeling as if it would make her day just a little brighter, receiving a fake one in return. What she looked like was what my mind looked like; amess.

"Evening, sir. What would you like tonight?" she asked, sounding like a recording.

"What do you suggest for a guy who just went through a messycouple of hours?" I asked, trying to make some small talk.

"Bottle of vodka," she snickered immediately.

"Sounds tempting. Got any?" I smirked.

The girl started shaking her head. "No, unfortunately not. Believe me, if there was, I would've downed that this morning."

"Well, I'll take the next best thing. A medium caramel and French vanilla cappuccino please," I told her.

She wrote it down and went back, beginning to make my hot drink. I just waited there, not really wanting to sit down. I dig out my phone, clicking it on to find 18 missed calls from Calum and 33 text messages from a combination of Mikey, Cal, and surprisingly, Luke.

Curiously, I opened the text message from Luke, hoping he wasn't writing me off because I didn't give him my answer. But when I read the first words, I knew he was forgiving. At least, that's what I got from it.

From: LukethePenguin

Ash, Ik your surprised & I get that. I'm not mad at you & hope your not mad @ me or some shit. I won't be mad if you don't feel the same way about me as I do you. Just tell me if that's the case & I'll leave you alone & NEVER talk to you again if that's what you want. If you never want to talk to me again, I don't blame you. What I did was completely uncalled for & inapropro. Just come home. Please Ashton.

I sat there, just staring at the text message like it was the winning lottery ticket. I felt like such a dick for just running away. I was a coward. A man would stay and respond to it. Not run like a whimp.

"Hey! Bud, you okay?" the waitress said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I shook my head, my cheeks heat in up because I was so oblivious to everything outside of the little device in my hand.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry," I answered, scratching at the back of my neck.

"What's your name?" she asked, not even aware she was talking to the drummer of a famous band. Shocker.

"Ashton," I answered. "What about you?"

"Elina," she responded, resting her head pon her elbows. "What's made your night so 'messy'?"

"Friend issues," I sighed.

"By friend, you mean relationship. What's her name?" Elina asked, wanting to press into my problems like they're her own.

"I guess they're relationship problems. But...it's not a girl," I answered her, taking a sip of the hot cappuccino.

"You're gay?! Well, I'm certainly relieved I didn't make an ass of myself and ask you out for dinner or something!" Elina said, her eyes wide.

"Actually, I'm not gay. I don't think so anyway," I clarified to her.

"Questioning your sexuality. That can make a night confusing I'm sure. Do you need some help?" she wondered, an eager look in her eyes.

"What? No! I...my best friend...he told me that he's in love with me," I responded, backing away from her nonchalantly.

"Oh. And you don't know what to do?"

I shook my head, wrapping my hands around the hot to-go cup. "Not in the slightest."

"Well, if he started dating someone else, would you feel jealous?" Elina asked bluntly.

"I...I don't know," I answered, finally making eye contact with Elina's ice blue eyes.

"C'mere," Elina instructed, walking out from behind the counter. I took a step towards her and she grabbed my shirt in both of her fists, pulling me forcefully into her and smashing our lips together. Once the initial shock was over and our lips were melding together, I was pushed away.

"What the fuck was that for?!" I asked.

"Did you feel anything off that?" Elina asked, amusement in her eyes.

"No. Not really. But maybe that's because it was an attack!" I pointed out.

"Fine. Then you kiss me. Just like if I was your girlfriend," Elina suggested. "Go on. You're making the move this time."

Awkwardly, I began leaning in towards her, closing my eyes slowly as I went. Once our lips touched, I waited a few minutes to see if I felt some spark or something. When I didn't, I started tracing her lips with my tongue so I could have entry. She let my tongue in her mouth to explore and I tried to make it as heated as I could to see if I could feel that reaction in my boxers, but I got nothing.

Elina pulled away, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "So, did you get anything?"

"N-no."

Elina squeezed my biceps lightly, the small smile turning into a beam. "There you go. Go get him, Ashton." I hesitated, still not sure if I was in love with Luke. "Seriously, Ashton. Go."

\----

I ended up not going back home. At the last minute, I chickened out and told the cab driver to go to Walmart, which I ended up just walking away from. The thing was, I didn't have an answer for Luke. I still didn't know how to respond to him. This whole thing still had my head in a tizzy.

Truthfully, I have questioned my sexuality before. Quite often when I was 15-16 years old, actually. But I never experimented with it. I was too cowardly to give it a go. Hell, I was too cowardly to even admit my confusion then.

I took out my cell phone, checking the time, which was 1:25 in the morning. I had been gone since...since like ten. I've been away for 3 hours! Jesus, it feels like it's been one. I continued up the dark and deserted sidewalk, looking down at the ground where my pride and the last shred of confidence I had was laying and I stomped on it with every footstep.

For the umpteenth time that night, I felt the vibration in my pocket. Who would be contacting me at this hour? More like, who would want to contact me?

At first, I thought it was a text, but it turned out to be a call. From Luke.

"Hello?" I answered hesitantly and quiet.

"It's about time you answer your phone. Where are you?" Luke said, his voice calm and collected.

"In town," I answered. I didn't want to tell my location. I didn't want to face him yet.

"No shit. Where in town are you? I'll come pick you up," he insisted like nothing has happened in the last three hours.

"It's 1:30 in the morning, Luke. You're not going to pick me up. I'm fine with walking," I insisted.

The line went quiet for a minute and then Luke sighed. "You're mad at me, aren't you? Better yet: you hate me, I bet."

"No, not at all, Hemmo," I exhaled, feeling my eyes well up.

"Then why does it sound like you want nothing to do with me?" he mumbled.

"I..." I started, trying to choke down the oncoming sobs.

"Ashton?"

"I d-" and then I lost it. I broke down into uncontrollable cries, my knees feeling like they were going to buckle.

"Ashton, where are you? I'm coming to get you right now," Luke demanded.

"W-walmart," I made out and the line went dead.

\----

Luke arrived just minutes later, halfway out of his car before it was in park. He ran to me and grabbed me in a hug, whispering that it was going to be okay.

"What's wrong, Ash?" he asked when I was somewhat calmed down.

"I'm sorry, L-luke," I answered, my voice beyond shaky.

"Don't apologize; I understand. I'm just glad you're okay," he said, both of us sitting down on the curb.

"But I'm notokay," I muttered, hoping he wouldn't hear it. But who am I kidding? It's the middle of the night. You could hear a pin drop from a mile away.

"No? Then explain to me why you're not. Maybe I can help," he prompted optimistically. "I'm guessing it's having to do with that little secret I told you earlier?"

"Yeah."

"You're confused and don't know what to feel," he suggested. "Not only that, but you don't want to tell me your answer because you're afraid."

"That's exactly it."

\----


	5. Feelings

"It's normal that you're afraid with whatever path you decide to take," Luke reassured. "Just know, that I'll understand both ways."

"I know," I whispered, still looking at my feet.

"Just take as long as you want, okay? You know where to find me," he said, patting my shoulder. I could hear the smile in his voice.

Even if he told me to take as long as I needed, I still felt pressured to tell him as soon as I could. Like within the next five minutes. It wasn't him sitting here that caused me to think this way; it was my mind. I didn't want to leave him wondering because I knew he was anxious to know the answer, whether it was yes or no. But the only problem? I still didn't know. Even if Elisa did try to help me.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?" he answered tiredly.

"Can I ask you to do something? It will help me," I asked.

"Ashton, don't sit and dwell on this. If you don't know right this minute, I'm not going to be angry. Take however long you need," Luke explained.

"You didn't answer me," I grumbled.

"Yeah, I guess. What do you need?" he sighed.

"Kiss me."

"What?" he gasped.

"Just kiss me," I demanded.

"Um, alright. If it helps," he hesitated, repositioning himself so he was facing me.

I started slowly leaning in towards him and he followed, looking as terrified as I was. My eyes started to close and I puckered my lips out a little bit. Chills ran down my spine as my lips connected to his plush ones. Our lips began to move in sync, fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces. My body heated as we continued on. My heart was fluttering inside of me, revealing my enjoyment. I didn't want to stop. This was beyond the best kiss I have ever received.

And at that point, I may have known my answer.

We pulled away from each other, both of us slightly breathless. The look in his eyes were satisfactory and passion, but he was trying to hide it in case I didn't feel the same thing. But I did. In fact, I felt more than satisfied. I felt fulfilled.

"So...did that help?" Luke asked, his voice an octave higher.

"Uh...yeah," I squeaked, in complete awe that I had, in fact, enjoyed kissing Luke Hemmings, my bestfriend, my comrade, my bandmate. "Can we go home?"

Luke nodded, opening the car door for me without another word. The short ride home was evidently quiet. I was even more confused now than I had been ten minutes ago. I shouldn't have kissed Luke until I was sure I was gay. But I was only testing if I got a reaction from it, which I did. That's what Elina experimented with me and I didn't get a reaction from her. But Elina was a stranger to me and I wasn't attracted to her in any way. Did that have something to do with it?

"Ashton, are you okay? You're paler than my grandmother's porcelain doll collection," Luke asked quietly, breaking my train of thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Physically, anyway. Mentally, I'm a trainwreck," I answered, staring straight ahead. 

"I'm guessing that the kiss just made you more confused?" he asked. I just nodded, not really wanting to speak. "What's the thing that's weighing on you the most?" 

"Whether I'm gay or not," I snorted. Luke reached over and cuffed my head.

"No shit. I mean, besides that. What made you want to try and figure this out by kissing me?" he wondered, looking over at me with his deep blue irises.

"Um," I started. I didn't want to tell him about Elina; he might get hurt or some shit like that. "I wanted to see if I would react to it. Y'know...down there."

"Not to be weird, but did you?" he continued pressing. I finally looked over at him, cocking my eyebrow and smirking, trying to make the situation less tense. "I'm not going to experiment any further when we get home! I'm trying to help you uncloud your brain, you idiot! Now answer me: did you react when it happened?"

The awkwardness in the car settled back in. I wanted to deny it. To deny that I had actually enjoyed kissing him. "Um...I started to, but then you quit. I started getting hot, but I was pretty close to getting a-"

"Okay, it isn't necessary for those details," Luke cut in, stopping me with his hand. We came to a stop sign and Luke looked over at me, his face emotionless.

"W-What?" I squeaked, intimidated by how serious he looked right now.

"I'm not saying this just because I have feelings for you, I'm saying this because it's the truth," Luke started, not breaking eye contact. "You're gay." 

I gulped, hearing the answer that I've feared for the past how many hours. I knew Luke wasn't lying to me. I knew he wasn't just saying this because I was vulnerable and would believe anything. I knew he was serious. I knew I was gay. 

And I know I'm in love with Luke Hemmings. 

It was going to take a while for me to accept it myself, and I was willing to work on it. Luke was going to be there to help me through it; not as a boyfriend, not right now at least, but as a best friend. He was going to help me accept this newfound discovery. 

We walked into the house quietly so Cal or Mikey wouldn't wake up. I just wanted to go to bed and not wake up until next week. For some reason, I was pissed at myself. I don't know why, I just was.

"Luke, why am I so mad at myself?" I asked.

"Because you're mad at yourself for accepting that you're attracted to the same sex," he said bluntly, not looking at me. "Believe me, I went through the same kind of feelings you are. I understand completely."

\----

I couldn't sleep at all. It was nearly six a.m. and I was wide awake. I know it's because my mind was going 110 miles an hour, but still. Couldn't my brain shut up for an hour at least?! 

I rolled onto my back, letting out a heavy sigh. If I couldn't fall asleep by now, I wasn't going to. So, I got up out of bed and went out to get something to drink. Maybe if I drink warm milk, I'll get tired. It worked when I was little.

Trying to think of other things, I poured the cold skim milk into a glass. Though, instead of thinking it was just milk, my perverted mind thought of something else. And then, I thought of Luke and me. Before I could let my thoughts wander anymore, I looked away from the dairy product. Why is everything I am now doing resorting back to my fucking messed up sexuality?!

I pounded my fists on the counter in anger. I needed to get myself a girl. Not a serious relationship, a one-night stand. Either that or watch some lesbian things on the internet. Maybe that's all I needed to get back in my heterosexual groove. 

Quickly, I dumped the half-filled glass of milk down the sink and put the carton back in the refridgerator. I didn't want to go back to bed and stare at the ceiling, so I went into the living room and plopped myself down on the couch, turning on the telly and watching what looked to be the middle of 'We're The Millers'. I leaned my head back against the cushy backrest so I didn't have to crane my neck up. 

Maybe Jennifer Aniston would turn me on. I doubt it; she's too old. Maybe Emma Roberts. Not likely; she's not really in my preferences. 

No woman is.

It's like I became possessed all of a sudden. My mind was consumed with shit like that! This couldn't be normal, could it? Luke couldn't have gone through this mental Hell, could've he? I wanted to just rip out my brain and throw it against the wall a few thousand times until it could get itself straight. 

Putting this newfound homosexuality on top of the insecurity and depression I already had, that was just pleasing. I swear, I was just trying to drive myself to an early death. I knew for a fact that I was going to be too distracted to drum like I usually did when we would start the tour in a few days. I'm going to be too busy thinking about what rejection and hate I would get from everyone else, especially Calum and Mikey, if they found out that I was gay. I wouldn't be focused enough to bang the shit out of my drums like I usually did at shows. Who knows, by then, I could be staring at Luke's butt and completely forget about the concert entirely. 

My eyes started to get heavy and I shut them, hoping that I would finally get some shut eye. 

\----

"Ashton!" 

My eyes opened at the yell of my name and I felt strangely out of breath. I blinked my eyes at the bright sunlight shining in from the windows. I let my eyes focus and I saw Calum kneeling in front of me, a confused look on his face. "What?"

"Are you okay? You sounded like a dying cat," Cal asked. 

"What do you mean?" I wondered, confused as to what the hell he was talking about.

"You were moaning Luke's name like a girl. What were you dreaming about?" Mikey said, shoving a handful of sunflower seeds into his mouth as he walked out of the kitchen. 

I thought back to my dream; it was of...me and Luke. In the bedroom. I looked down at my pants, thanking God that I was covered with a thick blanket. There was no way I was going to get up and go check because if I had let go, Calum and Michael would be the first ones to see it and I was certainly not ready to come out. 

"Ashton, are you okay?" Calum asked. 

"Uh, yeah. I was just dreaming about these really cute cats I saw on the internet and I was showing Luke," I lied. What Cal and Mikey don't know won't hurt 'em. 

"Really? 'Fuck, Luke! I'm so close!' That's you Googling cats? Bullshit," Mikey laughed. "That sounds like a wet dream to me."

"I'm so close to buying one, fuckhead," I sneered.

"Okay, whatever," he said, not buying my lie. The last thing I needed was for Mikey to figure out that I was gay. "Cal, come on. I need more seeds."

"Ugh, fine," he answered, pushing himself off the couch and following Michael to the door. "Bye, Ash!"

I sat there, feeling utterly embarrassed for what had happened and I wasn't even conscious! What the fuck happened?! Now I'm having wet dreams about Luke?! 

What the hell is happening to me?

In that same breath, Luke walked into the room a sad smile on his face. He was the last person I really wanted to look at right now. "I know what happened. I didn't come in here because I didn't want to make anymore uncomfortable in front of them than you already were."

"Thanks," I scoffed. 

"It's okay, you know," he said, sitting down. I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. "I'm not mad or grossed out that you had that type of dream about me. Normal people, like Cal or Mikey, they would be disgusted. But I know what you're going through because I went through the exact same thing. It's kind of one of those things that happen when you first start to accept your sexuality and look at other guys. My dreams were uncontrollable for a month. I'm not saying yours will be, but just be prepared for it."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be sorry, Ashton. You're human," he chuckled. "Did you finish out your dream? You take that the wrong way and I will beat you with a pillow."

"Yeah, I think so," I answered, not about to joke back.

"Well, let's get you cleaned up then. You're probably a mess. Not to mention that that blanket is Calum's and I don't think he would appreciate your ejaculation on it," Luke joked, reaching for the fuzzy blanket and peeled it off of me. 

Sure enough, my shorts that I had been wearing had a large dark spot around the crotchal region. I felt my cheeks flush as I stood up, knowing that Luke had seen it too. But when I looked up at him, he didn't look the least bit mad or disgusted with me. He wasn't judging me and that's what made me feel a little less humiliated about my soiled pants and the blanket.

The two of us walked down the hallway, Luke reaching into the bathroom and flipping the lights on. He looked over at me, an understanding look on his face. "I'll get you some fresh clothes and you take a shower, okay?" 

"Yeah," I smiled. "Thanks again, Luke."

\----


	6. Wherever You Are

I got out of the hot shower, feeling clean and refreshed. My hair was sticking to my forehead and hanging in my eyes, which usually I would've immediately brushed away, but this time, I didn't care. I wrapped the white towel tightly around my hips after I dried off and unlocked the door to get my clothes from Luke, hoping to dear God this didn't become weird.

The "cold" air hit me like a ton of bricks when I walked out of the humid and steamy bathroom. I walked into my room, finding Luke lounged on my bed with a band shirt, boxers, and pair of athletic shorts on his lap. He tried his best not to look any further down than my face while I tried my best not to notice the gorgeous boy sitting in front of me. He got up and handed me the clothing without a word and left the room so I could have privacy. 

I was so appreciative of what he was doing for me. He was helping me try and accept myself and not pressuring me to start a relationship with him. That was the biggest thing; he was patient. He was willing to wait until I was 110% ready to start my first intimate same-sex relationship and I was forever thankful for that. He knew whatever process I was going through and he wanted to help me through it. He was really a true friend.

Slowly, I slipped on the clothes he had picked out for me, seeing that he picked out the Blink 182 shirt I actually wanted to wear. I didn't bother doing anything to my hair besides shake the dampness and comb through it briefly. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely good about myself. Not partially, or half, but fully. Like I was hot shit, not the drummer that nobody gave two shits about. 

When I walked out into the living room, I saw Luke standing out on the back porch. He wasn't doing anything, just standing out there in his singlet and skinny jeans. As much as I wanted to go talk to him, I refrained. He deserved some alone time. I went into the kitchen, grabbing one of the chocolate chip cookies that was labeled "Calum's Cookies". He would yell and have a hissy fit at me later, but whatever. 

Luke was still standing in the same spot as he was when I had went into the kitchen, his arms now crossed. I weakly smiled to myself, mentally telling myself how lucky I was to have been recruited into this rollercoaster band. Quietly, I walked back to my bedroom and picked up the dusty guitar in the corner and my songbook from my unused messy desk. I was inspired to write a song for the next album about how thankful I was for Luke being there for me. I wasn't going to make it obvious that it was about him, so I would only know the true meaning behind it, but that's all I cared about. 

I started strumming a few chords, starting to make a rough tune to sing to. I was too focused trying to arrange the words in my head, that I didn't even notice the unexpected company standing in the doorway until they cleared their throat. I looked back towards the door and Luke was standing there with a big smile on his face.

"Haven't heard you play that thing in ages," he said. He walked in farther. "What are you working on?"

"Eh, nothing much. Just thought of an idea for a song," I shrugged.

"Can I hear what you have so far?" he wondered.

"Um, no?"

"Why? Want to be all confidential until we go record," he joked.

"Because I have nothing but a few strums," I answered. He nodded, taking his thumbs from his pockets and clapped them together as he plopped down next to me on the bed. "What are you doing?"

"Let's write a song," he suggested enthusiastically. I looked at him quizzically. "Come on. Tell me your idea."

"No, no, it's stupid really. We can come up with a different one," I begged, not wanting to tell him my cheesy idea. "I kind of like the piano work I did with the Pile of Cheese keek video. Maybe we can do something with that?"

"As long as it's with your idea," he answered bluntly.

My shoulders slumped as I looked at his determined stature. "It's cheesy. Believe me, you wouldn't like it."

"Maybe I will like it. But we'll never know that if you keep it a secret, will we?" he pressed. "Ash, it can't be that bad. Please tell me. I won't judge you."

Which he is right. He won't judge me. In fact, he hasn't judged me at all this past week or whatever.

"Fine. I was thinking that we could have something about someone that always wants that person there because they don't want to be left alone with their thoughts. But, at the same time, they want to be away from them because they need to think, but they can't stop thinking about that person, no matter how hard they try," I said, hoping that he understood my jumbled idea. All he did was nod. "I know, it's dumb."

"No, no. I like that. I'm trying to think of lyrics. I know for sure we could make it a slower song like Amnesia," he said, a concentrated expression on his face.

\----

We spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, laughing and figuring out lyrics and chords. So far, we had a verse and part of the chorus. We got a bit distracted, in other words. In addition to feeling good about myself, I was now also happy. I wasn't even thinking about any of that depressing and confusing shit. I was simply just living in the here and now.

"Do we even have a name for this song?" I asked when my laughing calmed down.

"Let's go with Wherever You Are," Luke suggested, calming himself down as well.

"I like that," I agreed, scribbling the title across the top of the notebook page. "Ya know, I kind of like collaborating with you."

"As you should. I am a song writing genius," he teased.

"Go ahead and tell yourself that," I chuckled. "Can we try singing it the whole way through?"

"Yeah, yeah," Luke agreed enthusiastically. "But I want you to do it."

"Why? You'll be the lead vocals on it," I protested.

"Yeah, but it's your song. I want to hear you sing it," he urged. "Everything we have, I want to hear you."

I took a deep breath, about to hand the guitar off to him, but he just pushed it back. I signed, repositioning it on my lap and began to strum the chords we thought went with it. Luke put the songbook in front of me so I could see it and then sat back, waiting for me to start singing, or wailing if I do say so myself.

"For a while, we pretended that we never had to end it.

But we knew we'd have to say goodbye.

You were crying at the airport,

Then they finally closed the plane door.

I could barely hold it all inside.

Torn in two and I know I shouldn't tell you,

But I just can't stop thinking' about you

Wherever you are.

You, wherever you are.

Every night, I almost call you

Just to say it always will be you," I sang.

I was happy we didn't have anymore at that point because I felt my cheeks reddening to the color of a tomato. "Well, now that I ruined the song, do you still like it?"

"Shut up, Ashton. You have a beautiful voice. And since your beautiful voice sang it, I love it even more," he said.

"I like the song, but I would rather hear the lead singers sing it, not the shitty drummer," I partly agreed.

"How many times do I have to drill it into your head, Ash? You're an amazing drummer, amazing singer, amazing everything. Who cares what the fans think? Doesn't it matter what Cal, Mikey, and I think?! We're the ones that put you in this band in the first place! If we thought you sucked, we wouldn't have named you our fucking drummer!" Luke vented. I must've looked scared because the hard look in his eyes softened. "I never want to hear you say that about yourself again, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered.

Luke gestured for the guitar and started strumming Wherever You Are on it and softly humming to it. I wanted to be able to finish it so we could use it on tour. So I could hear Luke sing it.

He must've noticed me staring because he looked over at me. "I think this song is going to turn out wonderfully. I trhink Michael and Calum will like it too."

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"For what? Why do you keep saying that to me?" he asked.

"Thank you for listening to my idea. I keep saying it because I'm thankful for what you're doing for me. I honestly think I would be contemplating suicide if I didn't have you helping me with the self-acceptance," I answered quietly.

A toothless grin pulled at Luke's lips. I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to kiss him and I could see that he did too. I started leaning in towards him, tilting my head just enough so I'd miss his ski-slope nose. I felt our lips brush against each other softly and then I initiated the deeper kiss by pressing against his.

It was an overwhelming sense of passion that hadn't been in that experimental kiss. This was the kiss that everyone has ever dreamed of, that everyone has ever wanted to feel. It was perfect, in other words. It's like Luke and I were always meant to be.

Just as Luke's tongue started tracing along my lips, the from door slammed shut and voices were in the kitchen, making us unwillingly break apart. The two of us just looked at each other, desperate for more. In that moment, I finally felt like the old Ashton Irwin was back. I finally feel like I lost that unwanted feeling. All because of Luke Robert Hemmings.

"Thank you."

\----


	7. One Hotel Room

Today was the start of the tour and the four of us had to wake up at the asscrack of dawn in order to catch our flight to Lisbon on time. Luke or I haven't said anything since our writing session five days ago. Well, he's given me some space since the kiss. And I don't blame him because he probably is thinking that I need to take it slow at first since I'm new to all of this and still not 100% sure if I even want to be gay. He's basically basing this off of his own experience, which is smart and good of him.

But I wish he wouldn't have given me that much space because I like being alone with him. I don't feel like shit and I don't feel like I'm unwanted. With him, I feel like I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I'm actually very nervous for the tour to start because I'm scared that I'll get set back into my depression for the entirety of the tour. I don't want that. I want to have fun on this thing. Being in a band and having a headlining tour is something that I have always dreamed of doing and I don't want it to be ruined.

I lifted my black duffle bag into the trunk and slid it next to Calum's. I could see his red beanie sticking up over the headrest of the seat and I could tell that he was already passed out. Mikey walked out, his hair thrown in every direction and barely put together in an old sweater and trackpants. 

"Ash, put this in there for me. I'm going to take a nice long nap," he said groggily, sticking his bags out towards me. 

"Eh, I'll leave you to it. It'll be good for your tired bones," I said, walking past him and back into the house. Luke walked out of the hallway, smiling at me as he straightened out the beanie on his head.

"Got everything?" I asked him.

"Yeah. You?" he asked, continuing his trek towards the door.

"Yeah. Just needed an excuse to get out of being Michael's bitch," I shrugged tiredly.

The three of us crawled into the van, careful not to wake Calum because we didn't want a bear on our hands. Mikey sat in the seat next to him while Luke and I shared the bench seat in the back.

"Tell me again why we have to get up so early?" Mikey asked us quietly, his eyes half open.

"Because if we don't, we miss our flight to Lisbon, Portugal and then Adam might be pissed since he is going to be waiting for us at the gates," Luke explained to him.

"Tell me again why he made us get up so early?" he asked.

"Because he wants to give us one day to get over jet lag and the time difference is what fucks us over," Luke explained once again.

"Remind me to kick Adam's ass anyway," Mikey said, curling up in his seat and leaning his head against the window.

"Will do, but expect one in return," I snorted.

"Not if I bring out Mike-Ro-Wave," he muttered, referencing his superhero alter ego. 

\----

We all tiredly shuffled into the first class cabin of the jet, taking the first available seats and getting comfortable. I had sat next to Michael by force since he wanted to cuddle with someone that wouldn't reject him like Calum did. But fortunately, he insisted on having the window seat, which I was mighty fine with because I could escape if Mikey's cuddling got to be too much. Luke and Calum were seating in the seats across from us, just two seats ahead. Calum looked like he was asleep again, and Luke just sat in the aisle seat, scrolling through his phone with his blue earbuds in. 

I was tempted to sleep, but at the same time, I wanted to be awake. I knew damn well that I should get rested up so I wasn't as jetlagged when we landed, but I didn't want to sleep. What I wanted to do was switch seats with Calum and talk to Luke. I wanted to have those one-on-one conversations that we haven't had for nearly a week. I was yearning to have them again. Hell, if Luke wasn't in the room, I felt more lost than a three year old in a shopping center. It's like he was a drug and I was way too addicted.

For the first time in forever, I think I'm finally starting to accept myself as a homosexual. Fuck, I'm starting to accept myself as the person I am, gay or straight.

Mikey latched onto my arm and laid his head on my shoulder, fast asleep. I didn't really mind at that point; I wasn't enjoying it in any way and definitely not a sexual way, but I wasn't caring because I was content with just staying here, listening to music and watching Luke from afar until I fell asleep or landed in Portugal.

I put in my headphones, turning the volume on low, and leaned my head back against the headrest, getting ready for a day long ride.

\----

It was my fifth nap of the flight, and I was being stirred awake by my shoulder shaking back and forth slightly. When I opened my eyes, the cabin was completely dark except for the few dim lights lit in a few of the rows. I saw Luke looking at me, not looking tired at all and I wondered if he even slept at all the entire flight.

"What time is it?" I grumbled, blinking a few times in order to wake myself up. "Where are we?"

"It's 11:20 on Monday night and we're 40 minutes out of Lisbon," he informed me. 

"Wasn't it just Tuesday?" I asked him, turning my music off.

"Yeah, technically it still is back home. It's actually nine in the morning right now," he laughed. 

"Did you just figure that out, Mr. Mathematician?" I asked.

"No, Ben and Jack called me to wish us luck," he told me. 

"Can I ask why you woke me up?" I wondered.

"Because I was lonely and Calum is getting annoying. Plus, I'm wide awake," he explained.

"Well, the rest of us aren't," I retorted.

"That's because you all are fucked up sleepers. Do you want to order some drinks and food to cover us until we land?" he offered. 

"I suppose, but isn't it a little early to be drinking?" I smirked. 

"Not when you're in Portugal," he responded, taking a seat in the empty seat across the aisle from me. "I'm not even talking about those drinks, drongo."

I chuckled at him and flipped him off as I untangled myself from Mikey's grip. When I was sure he was still asleep, I tiptoed over to Luke and sat in the aisle seat, waving down the stewardess. She came over, a fake smile on her face. 

"Yes, boys?" she asked, her shrill "professional" voice nearly making my ears bleed.

"Can we get one orange juice, one coffee with extra sugar and milk, a bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, and a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream," Luke ordered. 

"Is that all or would you like to empty out our supply?" she sneered.

"No, that should do. And make sure that the coffee is caffinated," he said with a smile. 

"I'll get that right away, sirs," she said, rolling her eyes as she cat-walked back towards the doors out of the cabin.

"Well, isn't she sweet?" I laughed quietly. 

"Just a doll," Luke agreed.

"We haven't talked too much since our writing sesh, have we?" I said, wanting to talk about. "Was it too much?"

"No, it wasn't. I was just giving you some space. I don't want to make you feel pressured or anything like that," he explained. Just like I thought.

"For a second, I thought I scared you away," I admitted.

"I'm the one in love with you, remember?" he smiled.

\----

Mikey and Calum were refusing to accept the fact that it was really ten o'clock in the morning back home and just acted like zombies on our way up to our hotel room. Adam had given us a quick rundown of what today consisted of when we were being transported to the Hilton. It was technically midnight and there were four half-sleeping teenage boys. Did he really expect us to listen?

"Do you know what room we're in?" I asked no one in particular.

Luke looked down at his key. "Room 342."

I looked at the golden plate on the nearest door, seeing we were just a few rooms away. Michael and Cal leaned against the wall as Luke put the key in the door and opened it.

"There's only twobeds?! The fuck?" Mikey swore after he nearly mauled the three of us.

"I guess that's all Adam wanted to pay for," Luke scoffed.

"Cake and Mash arrangements?" Calum asked.

"How about Lashton and Malum arrangements?" Mikey corrected and then his eyes flicked over to me. "I know for a fact Ashton doesn't want to share a bed with me."

"Because you cuddle me to death," I shot, trying to hide my shock. Was my addiction to Luke that obvious?

"Sure," he smirked jokingly.

If only he knew what he had said was true.

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought there was smut in this chapter because of the name, didn't you? XD hehehehe


	8. Determined

It was nearing 1:00 in the afternoon here in Lisbon and all four of us were tired beyond our means. Adam had insisted that we rehearse our set today, as well as tomorrow, but we were still getting used to the 15 hour time change and half-assing our playing/singing, looking forward to when we could go back to the hotel and finally sleep again.

"Boys! You're performing like zombies!" Adam yelled as he cut us off in the middle of Good Girls.

"That's because we're supposed to be sleeping," Mikey grumbled into the microphone. 

"Yeah, if you were in Sydney, but you're in Portugal," Adam snapped. "Come on now. Tomorrow night is the tour opener. You boys need to get your heads in the game."

"Adam, we're going to be fine. All we need to do is play, sing, and entertain. That's it," Calum said, trying to convince him that we were prepared enough.

"Do you know the set?" he asked.

"No, but we can look over it. Seriously, we've had enough practice for one day," Luke chimed in. Adam crossed his arms. "Please? We're tired and hungry."

"Fine. I'm putting my faith into all of you, so you better give it 110 percent tomorrow night otherwise I'll have your heads," he finally gave in. His eyes zeroed in on Michael. "And you better be going straight back to the hotel and not out drinking."

"Why are you looking at me? They drink too!" Michael asked. 

"Yes, but it's mostly you and Calum," he said. "Either way, I better not hear about it. If you're too tired to rehearse, than you're too tired to party." 

"Yes, Adam," all of said in unison. 

The boys took off their guitars and I got out from behind my drum set. Calum and Michael went off of the makeshift stage and grabbed their bottles of water while Luke walked with me. Luke made sure we were behind the others a good distance. I wasn't really sure why, but whatever I guess. I wasn't particularly in the mood to walk fast anyway. 

"When we get back to the hotel, do you want to finish Wherever You Are?" he asked me quietly.

"I suppose. I wasn't going to do anything except sleep or watch some stupid show," I agreed.

"If you don't want to, we don't have to," he said.

"No, it's fine. Just be happy Adam upgraded us to a suite with a sitting room. Mikey and Cal might be pissed at us otherwise," I told him. 

\----

We finished writing and getting the chords to Wherever You Are in at least an hour in a half. Both Luke and I took turns singing it and I thought it sounded pretty well put together. Now we were trying to figure out the drum beats to it, which wasn't very difficult since it was a slow song that didn't require much drumming. 

"Should we show this song to Adam tonight or tomorrow?" Luke asked me. 

"I don't know. Do you think he'd change the set for tomorrow night?" I wondered. 

"He'll probably tell us to wait and put it on the next album," he snorted. 

"We could tell him that we were planning to put it on the next EP. Then we could just make acoustic versions or include live versions of certain songs on it," I suggested. 

"I suppose that could work," he said. "That's a good idea. But before we do that, we need to show Cal and Mikey." 

"Okay, but I'm going to let you wake them up," I told him, putting my hands up. He rolled his eyes.

”Scared that they'll go all Ninja Turtle on you?" Luke laughed.

"You never know," I chuckled.

He got up from the floor and back into the bedroom. I sat quietly and began to strum chords that sounded relatively close to American Idiot. By the time I was to the chorus, I heard Michael and Calum complaining about having to be woken up in the middle of the night, when really it was 2:30 in the afternoon.

"This better be fucking good," Mikey sneered as he walked in. He saw that it was only me sitting there and he got a grumpy look on his face. "Where the fuck is Adam? You said he was sitting out here."

"And we also told Calum he has a chance with Katy Perry," Luke retorted.

"Excuse you, but my Katy and I are already happily together," Calum spoke up. "She just isn't aware of it."

"Exactly," Luke said. "Now sit down and shut up. We have to show something to you."

"I knew it! Ashton, I can't believe you'd leave me for him," Mikey said, fake pouting.

"It has nothing to do with Mash or Lashton or Cake or Muke or Cash or anything like that," I gulped, trying not to show my busted look. "Luke and I wrote a song and we want to show it to you and see if you guys like it."

"Seriously? This couldn't wait until later?" Michael said, yawning.

"No because we want to see if Adam could squeeze it into the set. That is, if you guys like it," Luke answered.

Calum took a seat next to Michael and Luke began strumming as I began tapping on the floor as makeshift drums. Both of them seemed to be enjoying it from what it looked like. I like it too when Luke sings it. It makes it more...meaningful. His voice just does that. Once the song was finished, the two boys got approving smiles on their faces.

"So? What'd you think?" Luke asked with anticipation.

"It was amazing. When did you come up with that, Luke?" Calum asked.

"Yeah, that was brilliant," Mikey agreed.

Of course they would give Luke all writing credit. Drummers can't write.

"Actually, it was Ashton's idea. I just helped him write it down," Luke said, glancing over at me with a smile on his face.

"That was good, Ashton. How many other songs have you his from us?" Michael asked. "I'm just kidding, mate."

"Do you want to show this to Adam tonight? So he would have a little time to squeeze it in," Calum suggested.

"Yeah, I guess we could," Luke agreed.

"We need to figure out the solos, if any," I piped up.

\----

We walked into the MEO Arena, Luke armed with his acoustic guitar and I with my drumsticks. Calum and Mikey had memorized the song in at least twenty minutes, which was quite impressive, and had quickly learned the guitar chords they had to play. Cal and Luke were the only ones with solo parts while Mikey and I harmonized. We had tried so many different ways of assigning solos, but none of them sounded as good as just those two since their voices were somewhat similar. It had to be perfect for two reasons: the fans and Adam. Adam wasn't going to put the effort into switching the set last minute if he didn't think we performed it good enough.

"Yo, Adam!" Cal yelled once we entered the floor area of the arena.

"Over here, sleeping beauties!" he yelled and then ran out onto the stage. We hurried over to him. "So, what did you boys need?"

"When we got back to our hotel room, Ash and I kind of got occupied and we finished writing a song that we started last week. We showed Cal and Mikey and they seemed to like it, so all four of us were wondering if we could add it to the set for tomorrow night?" Luke rambled to Adam.

"Let me get this straight. You tell me that you're tired and have to quit practice early only to go back to the hotel and write a song?" Adam clarified, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Me and Calum slept," Mikey chimed in.

"Wonderful," Adam said to him. "I guess you can show me. But you're really going to have to blow my mind if you want me to put this in literally at the last minute."

"Believe me, you'll love it," I reassured.

"I'll take your word for it," Adam smiled, taking a seat in one of the fold up chairs in the front row.

Everyone got to their stations with the appropriate instruments. I kept repeating the drum beats that I had spent the last forty minutes repeating in my head. Luke turned around and sent me a flirty wink.

"One, two, three, four!" I counted off and then the song began.

\----

" Torn in two

And I know I shouldn't tell you,

But I just can't stop thinking of you

Wherever you are," Calum sang, strong but soft.

"You

Wherever you are.

Every night I almost call you,

Just to say it always will be you

Wherever you are," Luke finished, complete confidence in his voice.

All of us didn't move a muscle after we finished the song; all we did was look down at Adam, hoping for a good answer. Hoping that he loved it as much as we loved performing it. He looked at the floor, nodding, and then back up at us.

"Well, did it blow your mind or not?" Luke spoke up, the anticipation in his voice apparent.

"It was very well done. And considering this is your first time performing it together and you just finished it just a few hours ago, it was very well performed, harmonized, memorized, etcetera," he critiqued.

"Okay, that's what we were going for. S-" Luke began.

"Are you putting it in the set or not?" Michael blurted.

Adam stood there for a few moments, a concentrated look on his face. "I'm going to have to think about it."

"But you just said how well we did with it!" Michael pointed out.

"Yes, I know and I wasn't lying. But considering that you just finished putting the song together today, that freaks me out a little bit. Just because you spent the the last few hours memorizing the lyrics and learning the correct chords and beats, doesn't mean that you performed it perfectly. The song needs practice if you want perfection," he explained.

Luke opened his mouth to protest, but Adam quickly silenced him. "Don't argue with me, boys. I know how much you want to do this song and I will consider it. I'll contact you when I make a decision, okay? Until then, don't try and sweet talk me into it because that will make my decision easier and I don't think you'll want that answer." Adam gathered his clipboard and everything and began walking towards the exit. "Have a good rest of your night, mates! Remember no partying!"

A few of the security guards at the MEO shooed us out as soon as Adam left the arena bowl. The four of us were silent as we made our way back to the van. It wasn't that we were disappointed, it was more that we were wondering whether or not we should be rehearsing that song more.

"Why would he leave us hanging like that? He said it himself; we need to practice it so I sounds like we've known it for months," Mikey vented as he slid next to Calum in the back bench seat.

"It's Adam. He's going to test us and see if we are going to sit around and wait for his answer or if we're going to practice it as if we really are performing it," Luke sighed.

"But he said that he would-"

"Contact us later. So tomorrow morning, we'll practice the instrumental aspects until we're in tune with each other, and then we'll show up at soundcheck and we'll play it like no tomorrow. Is that a plan?" Luke explained.

"Yes, sir," Cal, Mikey, and I said at the same time.

\----

We all went to bed once we were back in our room, the arrangements the same as last night because we still only had two beds. Mikey and Cal were out cold, their heavy breathing filling the room. I wasn't sure about Luke; he seemed to be a quiet sleeper. But for some reason, I couldn't sleep worth a lick. At first, I had thought it was the time change, but then my mind wouldn't stop reeling.

The only thoughts running through my head were the negative ones, especially if Adam allowed Wherever You Are in the set.

Nobody's going to like it if they find out I wrote it. Drummers can't write. They aren't supposed to. They aren't the ones singing it.

Nobody cares if you're even going to be there. Adam doesn't, the 'fans' don't. Do the boys even care? It isn't like I do that much to entertain anyway. I'm not the damn front men. I'm just a stupid old drummer.

What if Michael finds out about me and Luke? What'll happen? They'll probably just fire me since a drummer is easier to replace than trying to find another Luke Hemmings. Michael and Calum will shun me for the rest of the tour and get rid of me as soon as it's finished.

I'm just a useless piece of shit, aren't I?

\----


	9. Old Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is triggering events in this chapter. If you are triggered easily, please skip until you see the dashes.

I quietly got out of the bed, careful not to wake Luke or any of the others. I went out of the bedroom and to the closet where our bags were stowed away. I dug through the pocket on the end, grabbing out the small glasses case and brought it with me into the bathroom. I closed the door, making sure to lock it. I went to the sink, looking down at the yellow and orange swirled case, hesitant on opening it. But when I did, I took out one of the small, shiny, silver razor blades that were neatly messed about. 

I gripped the razor with my first three fingers, looking down at it as tears began to fall down my face. My shaky hand lowered as the cold metal brushed against my smooth and untouched skin on my forearm. I pressed down and slid it in a one inch strip down my arm, the red beads of blood spilling out of the slit as if it was an overflowing river. The cut burned because I had went so deep, but at the same time, it felt so good. 

High from the feeling, I sliced my arm two more times. By the time I was finished, my left arm had blood running down it from the slices. The warm and sticky liquid began tickling my palm as I stood there, looking at myself and crying silently. At that point, I rolled off a few sheets of the shitty toilet paper, realizing that that wasn't going to clean up my bloody mess at all. So I grabbed one of the white towels, trying to think of ways I could get these past the boys without them noticing or questioning me. 

The once white towel was now stained with my blood, the smell of it making me cringe. I looked around for a hidden drawer or something where I could store them until I found a maid cart the next morning, but no such luck. I tried to think of something quick. The shower? No, Luke and Calum were destined to take one this morning. The garbage can! That's it! Who looks in a garbage can? Quickly, I wadded up the towel and put it into the small can. I looked down at my arm, blood still seeping out of it. I grabbed the roll of toilet paper and wrapped it around the three slashes several times so the one ply paper would actually workand not let the blood leak through.

I was disappointed in myself to say the least. I swore to myself, back when I was sixteen, I would neverharm myself again. I would neverget back into that habit. But I guess temptation changed my mind.

\----

I woke up, alone in the queen size bed. That meant Luke was either showering or watching the telly until Calum was done. My heart rate picked up as I thought about whoever was in the bathroom. Hopefully, neither of them would notice that a small towel is missing and is in the garbage, soaked in my blood. If they did, I couldn't begin to think of the outcomes; Calum would let everyone in the room know about it because that's just Calum and he wouldn't know that it was me, but Luke on the other hand, he would approach me and have a damn look on his face that would make me crumble down into tears because I would feel like I betrayed Mother Teresa.

Quietly, I unwrapped myself from the blanket and got out of the bed, careful not to wake a snoring Michael. Before I got out to the living room area, o felt something tickling my side. I looked down, seeing the disgusting one ply toilet paper half around my cuts unwrapping itself. I cussed under my breath and finished unraveling the damn thing, making sure that the bloody side was covered as I launched it into the trash.

As I sauntered out into the living room area, I saw Cal sitting on the couch in nothing but a pair of boxer-briefs. Normally, it didn't bother me and I didn't care, but now with the 'gayness', I actually feel slightly uncomfortable. But it wasn't like anyone other than Luke knew I was supposedly gay; maybe I was just gay for Luke.

"Morning, sunshine," Calum greeted with a warm smile as he noticed my presence.

"Morning," I answered.

"Pop a squat," he instructed, patting the cushion next to him. "They air TheJerrySpringerShow: UK here."

"Can I ask why you even care?" I wondered as I took a seat next to the nearly naked boy. "That show is so stupid."

"I know. But there's nothing else on," Cal sighed.

We sat and watched the insane 'lovers' fight and claw each other for about an hour and then Luke came into the room, wearing only a towel. Why the hell did these people have to be so comfortable with being naked around each other?!

"We always have been, Ashton. So have you. This isn't new," Calum said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, praying I didn't say that out loud.

"You asked why the hell we were so comfortable being naked around each other," he clarified. Dammit! "Is everything okay? You seem...off."

"I'm fine," I lied.

I wasn't fine. Look at my arm.

Cal got up and went in the bathroom, Luke taking his spot. I groaned. "Can you please put some clothes on? This isn't even fair!"

"Okay, but don't tell me your falling for Calum. I mean, I understand he has the booty and everything, but I loved you first," Luke said, getting up and grabbing a pair of athletic shorts that were lying on the back of the chair.

"No," I muttered, not looking at his amused face. 

"What's wrong with you? You're acting strange," he asked, going behind the couch and slipping on the pants. 

"Nothing. I didn't sleep well last night with the pre-concert jitters," I lied. When Luke sat back down next to me, his facial expression told me that he wasn't buying it.

"Don't lie to me, Ash. Tell me wh-" he stopped. I looked over at him and followed his gaze down to the three perfectly straight red slices on my forearm. His blue eyes looked up at me, confusion and concern filling them. "What is this, Ashton?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, barely audible. 

"It is something. Why did you do this?" he asked. Unlike everyone else who's discovered my cutting, he wasn't yelling at me or mad at me. "Come on, I'm not going to make a big deal of this to anyone. I'll keep it between us, okay?"

"Yeah, that's what Matt said and then he told my mum and hell broke loose," I muttered, not bringing my eyes to Luke's. 

"I don't know who the hell Matt is, but I won't tell your mum unless if you wanted me to or if it got way out of control," he said, putting his arm around my shoulders in reassurance. "Can you please tell me why you did this to yourself?" 

I took a deep breath and gulped. I was about to open myself up to Luke and he wasn't going to understand one bit why I had mutilated myself like that. As much as he was going to say he understood, he won't. He's too perfect and good to have self-harmed. He doesn't understand what's going through my mind as much as he wants to.

"Is it because of the self-acceptance th-" he started.

"No," I snapped, cutting him off. He didn't look offended or hurt. Instead, he looked geniunely concerned, like he really did care. "It's because I'm just a piece of shit. Nobody's going to give a shit less if I'm there tonight. Yeah, maybe you, the boys, and Adam will, but the fans could care less. They're more out to see you, Calum, and Michael anyway. I don't matter to them. And Wherever You Are, do you think the fans will like it if they know I wrote it? No. I'm a drummer; I'm not supposed to be writing songs." I started crying and Luke wrapped in an awkward hug.

"Ashton, that is completely untrue and you know it. Everyone loves you. We wouldn't have a concert without you; you're the drummer. You're the basis of every single song and without you, we'd seriously sound like shit. Do you know how many people I see commenting about you on Twitter or Instagram or Facebook? There's endless amounts. And as far as the songwriting goes, you helped write several songs on the album and people love them. What would change that? You're an amazing songwriter. Drummers can write if they so please. It doesn't matter what instrument you play in order to write songs," Luke explained, trying to make me feel better about myself, but his attempts were useless. "I don't want to see these again, Ashton. You're beautiful and perfect just the way you are." 

I didn't say anything, just cuddled my head into the crook of his neck as he rocked me back and forth. To be honest, I was actually glad that Luke found my cuts; he handled it so differently than the people who knew about it in my past. I appreciated it more than anything. 

"Um, I figured there was something going on between you two, but I didn't think I was right."

\----


	10. The Decision

Both Luke and I broke apart and looked over to see Michael rubbing his eyes as he looked at the sight of us. I never thought I would say this, but thank God I broke down. Michael couldn't find out about Luke or I being gay, and he certainly couldn't harass us for being together when I didn't even know what Luke and I were.

"Michael, now isn't really a good time," Luke told him quietly. I didn't look at Michael, afraid that I would be blushing and I just didn't want him to see me cry.

"Well, I can obviously see I interrupted somethi-" he stopped and I turned my head towards him so he would just shut up. "Oh, my God. I had no idea. Ashton, is everything okay?"

"Peachy," I muttered.

"Mikey, can you just...go somewhere else? Go flush the toilet on Cal," Luke instructed him. The red-haired boy dispersed into the bathroom, leaving Luke and I alone again. "Ashton, you do know I'm here for you, right?"

I nodded slightly, not making eye contact with his beautiful blue irises.

"I want you to come to me next time something is bothering you before it comes to this," he glanced down at my scarred arm. "Whenever you need me, I'll be there."

"You're not just saying that, are you? Last time someone told me that, they did the complete opposite," I asked. He got an offended look on his face.

"Of course I mean it, Ash. I love you and hate seeing you this depressed and upset. I'll be there whenever you need me, day or night. I want you to wake me up at three in the morning if needed," Luke told me, wrapping his arms around me again.

"Thanks. For being there. You don't know how much a depressed person appreciates having a shoulder to cry on," I thanked him.

"Of course, Ash. I've never really had to deal with this sort of thing, but I'm still willing to help you," he reassured in my ear as he softly patted my back.

"I know," I answered, softly kissing his shoulder. I barely touched it and doubt he knew it was a kiss, but Iknew and that's all that mattered right now.

\----

We were rehearsing extra hard today since we gave Adam our word that we would. The outcome for WhereverYouArewas still up in the air, but he did make us run through it a few times. Right now, he was giving us a water break as he thought about whether or not to include it.

I took a sip from my water bottle, getting up from my drum set and stretching my legs when I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Oh, hey, Mikey."

"Listen, about earlier, I didn't mean anything by what I said. I had no idea," he apologized.

I just smiled at him, screwing the cap back on my water. "It's fine, Michael. I understand."

"I just- you know you can talk to me if you need to, right?" he said.

"Yeah, of course. Luke was just the first person there and I couldn't hold it in any longer. But don't worry about it; it's just stress and exhaustion," I lied straight through my teeth.

"Boys, break's over!" Adam suddenly yelled. Michael went back to his microphone and I took a seat at my drum set. "I've come to a decision about the song you presented me with last night, and the answer is yes, but-" he paused. "-you have to promise me that it will be just as good as all of the other songs."

"We won't disappoint you, Adam," Calum said.

"I know," the older man smiled.

Luke turned back towards me, a beam on his face as he gave me a thumbs up. I just responded with a smile and a nod. I was beyond ecstatic, really, I was, but I was also nervous whether the fans were going to like it or not. I mean, if Adam squeezed into our set at the very last second, then we knew it was a pretty damn good song. But when people found out that I wrote it, would they like it anymore or just as much?

\----

Luke practically knocked me over as he leapt onto my back as we walked into the hotel room. Calum and Michael were behind us, celebrating the news like we were. I wasn't showing my excitement as much as they were though; I was more reserved, which was highly unusual for me. 

"Partners in crime, Ashy!" Luke yelled in my ear. When we got over to the couch, I let go of him and he fell onto it. "We're boss ass bitches!" 

"I believe this calls for a celebration of some highly needed alcohol, at least for me," Michael suggested.

"We can't do it right now. If we got wasted before the show and Adam found out, we'd be done," Luke quickly responded.

"Ugh, god dammit. After the show then. We'll come back here or go to a club and we'll celebrate the two amazing people right in front of me," Mikey agreed, a smirk on his face. Cal smacked his arm. 

"I'm kinda amazing here, too," Calum defended.

"True, but did you write a song amazing enough for Adam to squeeze it into the setlist at the last minute?" Mikey said, quirking his eyebrow. Calum looked at the floor, silent. "Thought so. But we'll still celebrate how wonderful you are, okay?"

"What time did Adam say we had to be there?" I asked.

"By four-thirty since the show starts at seven," Luke answered. He glanced down at his phone. "That gives us 45 minutes to shower, shit, and shave."

"Technically, it's half an hour because the van will show up fifteen minutes early," Cal pointed out.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Luke agreed. 

Calum went into the bedroom and Mikey went into the bathroom, leaving Luke and I alone. He looked at me, excitement and happiness in his eyes. I just returned his smile, trying to express the excitement as much as he was. I was nervous for tonight; I didn't want to go back to cutting or that fateful depression that Luke was starting to bring me out of. It would be just depressing if that happened.

"Are you okay, Ash?" Luke asked. "You act like something's on your mind."

"Just...stuff I told you this morning. Don't worry about it," I shrugged.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay," I answered again.

"Everyone will love the song, I promise. And you'll do great tonight. The Ashton girls will be throwing their underwear at you because you'll do so amazing," Luke reassured.

I couldn't help but chuckle at that. For the first time all day, I felt pressure lift off of me and I started to not feel scared about the concert.

\----


	11. Finally.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains extreme fluff and Lashton feels that will make you askjfdl, tingle, and maybe cry. Consider this a fair warning.

"Great show tonight, boys!" Adam said to the four of us made our way off of the stage.

"Thanks, Adam," Luke, Calum, and Mikey all said in unison. I just smiled, slightly out of breath after beating the shit out of my drums.

"Now, hurry back to the hotel and pack your stuff. The Gus Bus will be there at 12:30," Adam instructed.

We got into the vans, seeing that the equipment and crew buses were already getting to work on packing things up. My ears were ringing from the crowd and the noise, even if I did have my earpieces in. The concert wasn't as bad as I had originally thought. Everyone loved Wherever You Are and had even waved their phones around to make it an arena full of lighters. The buzz of it all just empowered me and I was literally on Cloud 9.

The vans pulled up to the back of our hotel, the four of us hurrying into the building and up to our room. We were running around, gathering up our belongings as if our lives depended on it, which it did in a way.

Calum and Mikey were the ones who had the most shit to gather because of their messy tendencies. I grabbed my duffle and waited by the door as I watched as Luke came out of the bathroom. He smiled at me, his lip ring glinting from the lamp's reflection. I never really noticed how sexy that lip ring actually was.

"I see you didn't let your nerves get to you tonight," he smirked.

"I didn't really have a reason to be. It's like a high when we're on stage; everything just goes away," I told him.

He opened his mouth to respond, but Calum approached us with his belongings in hand. "Leggo to Madrid."

We quietly made our way down to the back entrance of the hotel to the Gus Bus, thankful that the fans were out from screaming and haven't found a way to et into the back. We climbed onto the dimly lit RV-like vehicle, Mikey and Calum hurrying to the bunks to claim their beds. Luke and I waited until the claimed their territories and grabbed the top bunks across from each other.

"I'm stripping, don't look at me," Cal said jokingly as he quickly took off his shirt and skinnies, leaving him in only his boxers. "Goodnight!"

Michael did the same and both got into their beds, sliding the dinky little curtains shut so we wouldn't bother them. Luke and I just looked at each other, shrugging and chuckling at them. Luke went over to the mini refrigerator and grabbed out a bottle of water. "Do you want any?"

"No, I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't want Adam waking me up with a damn bucket of ice," I chuckled, taking my bag back to the bathroom and took off my sweaty clothes. 

I wanted to stay up with Luke, but I would've been tempted to do things and what if Calum or Mikey woke up? They would see us and then...well, then shit would hit the fan. I walked out of the little bathroom and saw Luke sitting on the couch outside of the "bedroom" with his phone in his hands and his earbuds in, so he didn't notice me come out and climb up into the bed. 

I shut the curtain so I wouldn't keep myself up, staring at him, and rolled onto my side, squeezing my eyes as hard as I could so I would force myself to go to sleep. I needed it if I wanted to perform with all my energy. 

\----

I was awoken by a cold draft hitting the exposed skin of my back from my privacy curtain being opened. For a second, I thought it was Adam waking me up because I had slept through the alarm, but when I looked out the small window, it was pitch black and there were still cars on the road. 

"Ash, wake up," someone whispered, shaking me awake. "Ashton..."

I rolled over with a small groan, seeing Luke at the head of my bed. "What do you want?" 

"I needed to talk to you," he said with a chuckle.

"Can't it wait until the morning?" I muttered, looking into those mezmorizing blue eyes. 

"No, not really," he chuckled again. 

"Ugh, fine," I grumbled, uncovering myself and opened my privacy curtain all the way. Luke got out of the way and I got down from the bed, taking the blanket and wrapped myself in it. I followed him out to the black couch, sitting next to him. "What is it?"

"I was lonely and was thinking about you," he mumbled, blushing a bit.

"So you decided to pull a dick move and wake me up?" I quizzed, a small smile appearing on my face.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that," he agreed. I decided now was the time to grow a pair and try out this gay thing. 

"That's good, because I was just dreaming about you," I flirted, making Luke's cheeks redden even more. His eyes looked into mine, shocked that I was flirting with him. 

"Really, now?" he responded.

"Well, I only dream of beautiful people," I smirked playfully.

"It seems I only wake up sexy people in the middle of the night because I'm lonely as fuck," he flirted back. He leaned in towards me, our faces only centimeters apart. He looked into my eyes, his blue ones looking at me hungrily. "And it also seems that I want to an of the shit out of gorgeous people like yourself."

I couldn't take it anymore, so I pressed our lips together roughly, feeling like the first and second kiss we had, just better. My heart began to flutter and lips began to tingle. I never ever would have thought I would have wanted to make out with a guy as bad as I did right now. Who knows, maybe it's just Luke that made me this way.

He put his hand on the back of my neck, pulling me closer and kissing me harder. Before I could break away for a small breath of air, Luke pushed me down onto back, climbing on top of me, still kissing me gingerly. I could feel his hard-on in his jeans as his hands traveled around my torso. His hands went to the band of my boxers, his fingers grazing my hips. But as they started to descend towards a certain area, I pushed them away.

"M'not ready yet," I mumbled against his lips, my own brushing against his lip ring. By the way, they were right when they said lip rings made kissing hotter.

"Sorry, babe. Got too carried away," he smirked and put his mouth back on mine.

It was scary how good he was at this. It made me wonder if he had had experience in this, which he probably did; he wasn't exactly ugly. We pulled away for a few breaths of air. I looked into Luke's lust-glazed eyes, losing myself in them.

"That was amazing," Luke panted, breaking my focus. When I didn't answer, his eyes widened. "I didn't push you too far, did I?"

"I'm the one who started it," I chuckled, not being able to break our eye contact.

"Did I meet your every expectation?" he giggled.

I didn't answer, making him anxious and a little nervous, but then I smiled, pecking his soft lips. "You blew past my expectations. Have you done this before?"

"Well, no. I haven't kissed a guy before, but I used what I knew from my little experience with girls. I'm glad you enjoyed it," he smiled, his fingers playing with mine.

"Does this mean you're my...boyfriend?" I asked quietly, looking away from him as I blushed in embarrassment.

"I was hoping so. Unless you just want to be that dick to hit it and quit it," he answered. My cheeks reddened deeper because I actually did want to be Luke's boyfriend, I was just too insecure about my sexuality to admit it. He must have seen the teenage girl side of me because he sat up, straddling my hips. "Ashton Fletcher Irwin, would you be my boyfriend?"

"Y-yes," I stuttered, kind of taken aback by the 'proposal'.

He leaned back down, locking our lips together in a warm and passionate kiss. "I think we've had enough fun for one night. Let's go to sleep."

Luke got off of me and I was sad that I had to go back to my cold and empty bed. After he came out from the bathroom, he was in his pajama pants, looking at me with a playful look.

"What?" I asked quietly.

"Your bed or mine?" he asked cheekily.

"Um, Luke, I told yo-" I stammered.

"You don't want to cuddle?" he asked, pulling a sad puppy look.

"Oh, I... Yeah, of course I want to cuddle with you," I answered, blushing in embarrassment again.

I was wondering how both of us were going to fit, but we somehow made it work. I covered us with the blanket and cuddled into Luke's arms, his body radiating warmth. I couldn't help but smile, finally and overall happy with life.

\----


	12. Close One

I woke up the next morning, cuddled and warm in Luke's arms. My head was on Luke's chest, which was slowly going up and down as he breathed. If I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom or anything, there was no way I was going to be able to. Luke literally had me trapped in the small bunk and I wasn't getting out without waking him up, but I didn't want to face Lucifer because that boy was serious when he said he wasn't a morning person. 

I closed my eyes again, unsure of the time, but I might as well get as much sleep as I can in. But just as I was starting to drift off again, I heard voices. Calum and Michael's to be exact. My eyes snapped open and my body stiffened. What were they going to say if they found us? What if they heard Luke and I making out last night? My short-lived happiness would surely go to shit in a hurry.

"Why the fuck aren't they up yet?" Calum asked. "It's damn near nine-thirty. Even we're up."

"They probably had a late night last night, if you know what I mean," Mikey chuckled, but he was completely serious.

"What are you talking about, Clifford?" Calum sighed. 

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed anything weird going on with them," Mikey said. I assumed Cal shook his head. "Seriously, Calum?! You haven't noticed how close they've been or how they are always together? I can't believe you didn't pick up on anything when they went and changed the seating arrangements on us."

"So? They were writing that song and they kind of needed to be together for a little bit in order to get it done," Calum scoffed, trying to prove Michael wrong. Thank God Calum was so oblivious to us. 

"But to be inseparable? It's not like they telepathically wrote that song," Mikey pointed out.

"If you're so interested in their love lives, wake them up and ask them," Cal breathed. "It's about time for them to get up if they don't want Adam to wake them up."

I heard the curtain on Luke's bunk tear open and I immediately closed my eyes and held my breath, nervously awaiting for my curtain to be tore open. 

"Where the fuck is Luke?" Michael blurted. 

"How the hell would I know? I wouldn't have looked in his bed if I did," Cal spat. "This bus is only so damn big. Where the hell could he be?"

There was a brief silence and I made it look like I was actually sleeping and not enjoying my cuddle with Luke like I actually was. And then the dreaded sound of the curtain opening came and I felt my heart begin to skip a beat, hoping that they wouldn't believe Mikey's assumptions were true, even if they really were. 

"What did I tell you?" Michael whispered. 

"Come on, Mikey. That doesn't mean they're together," Calum whispered sharply. If only he knew.

"Luke, Ashton, wake up," Michael said, a bit louder than he really had to. I felt his hand grab my shoulder and he began shaking it, in which I acted like I was actually being woken up.

"What the fuck do you want?" Luke groaned groggily, speaking for me. 

"Get up," Calum instructed. 

Luke looked over at me, a hint of a smile on his tired face. Luke got up first and I followed suit, the two of us gaining awkward looks from Mikey and Cal because I was only wearing my boxers and Luke was in his pajama pants. They blocked us from going anywhere else on the bus, which wasn't that difficult to do. 

"Dude, I'm going to piss on your foot if you don't get the fuck out of the way," Luke threatened Michael. 

"Well, than I guess I'll have to change my socks because I'm not going to move until you answer me this one question," he compromised. 

"Hurry up," Luke whined. 

"Ash, you can answer this too," Michael told me, ignoring Luke's pleas to move. "Is Lashton real? Like, are you two dating?"

I felt my cheeks flush and hoped it wasn't that noticeable, but before I could answer, Luke beat me to it. "No. Even if we were, would it matter? Would it bother you that much?"

"Well, no, but Cal-"

"Leave me out of this," Calum instructed, uncrossing his arms.

"No, but I was just curious because you've been spending so much time together. If you guys are in love, go for it. Just let your other two best friends in on your little secret," he said. 

"We're not in love with each other; we're friends, okay? Ash has been going through some stuff and I've been helping him through it. We're both straight as boards," Luke spat at him. He sounded pretty convincing and that was the Lucifer coming out. I knew he was just lying to them so I didn't have to feel pressured to come out, but it just...I didn't like hearing those words from his mouth because it was so untrue. 

"Okay, okay, I believe you. You don't have to damn me to Hell, Lucifer. I was just asking you a simple question based on observations," Michael surrendered, putting his hands up as if Luke was about to pounce on him. "Maybe I should've waited until Nice Luke was back."

"Maybe you shouldn't have woken up Lucifer just to ask a damn question," Luke spat at him, sounding pretty angry. "Now move your fat ass, Clifford."

Michael moved, letting Luke into the bathroom. He closed the small door and left the three of us wondering why the hell he got so pissed off, especially me. Mikey pushed past Calum and I, muttering something inaudible. 

"Is it me or is Lucifer extra pissy this morning?" Calum asked me.

"Yeah, he is," I agreed.

"Did you say something to him?" he wondered.

"No, I just told him he could come in to my bed last night," I answered vaguely, not really lying. "I didn't think he took offense to it considering he got in it."

"Why were you in bed together anyway?" Cal pressed. Someone was full of questions this morning. "That sounded dirty, but I didn't mean it that way. Unless..."

"No! God, no! He woke me up at some ungodly hour and told me he was cold as fuck, so I told him that he could come into my bed if he wanted," I answered, lying straight through my teeth. "It wasn't sexual in any way." 

"Oh, I know it wasn't. I was just wondering why you two ended up in bed together," he said. "God, no matter how I say it, it comes out dirty! Anyway, Michael's was pretty determined that you two were boyfriends."

"N-no, we're not," I denied.

And lied.

Again.

\----


	13. Lucifer

I was getting ready to walk over to McDonald's to get some lunch since Michael and Calum went to some other fast food joint together. They did invite me along, but I told them I didn't want to leave Luke alone, even though he hasn't talked to any of us since he's woken up. I was about to leave without him since he wasn't coming out of his damn bunk. He's been in there ever for the past two hours, the curtain pulled. He either had his earbuds in and couldn't hear our attempts at talking to him or he was just flat out ignoring us. It made me kind of sad that he wouldn't talk to me. We were dating now; we're supposed to be able to talk to each other when something was wrong, especially if one of us did something to make the other angry. 

I went back onto the bus to tell Luke that I was going to leave without him because I was starving, but when I entered, I saw him standing in the middle of the bunks with a jumper, athletic shorts, and a beanie on. How the hell could he have room to change in that little space?!

"Um, I was just going to tell you that I was going to start walking over to McDonald's, so if you want to come, I suggest that you hurry up," I told him quietly. 

"Okay, I'm coming," he answered, not sounding as angry as he did. I wasn't sure if his anger had to do with his strong hate for mornings or if Michael had asked that. 

I stepped back off of the bus, standing by the door awkwardly again. Within a matter of seconds, Luke was by my side and we began walking in the direction of the restaurant. The walk was rather silent and it was that awkward silence, at least to me. I was tempted to ask him why he was so crabby, but I didn't want to press any buttons and get him angry with me. So, instead, I reached down to where his hand was and tried entwining our fingers together, which he actually took loosely. I got a smile on my face, happy that he wasn't angry at me. 

"You look cute when you're all blushy," he suddenly said. 

"You just look cute," I blurted, covering my mouth right after I said it. Luke looked at me, shocked at my blunt comment. 

"Well, thank you," he responded.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I mean, I-I did, b-but-" I stammered. 

"Ash, don't apologize. You can tell me shit like that. You're my boyfriend, sweetcheeks. You just shocked me a little bit," he cut me off, smiling as he squeezed my hand a little bit. 

When we started to get closer to McDonald's, we let go of each other's hands, not wanting to get anyone suspicious if Lashton was real or not. We went to the counter, seeming to go unnoticed, and ordered our meal. I was going to wait until he got some food in his system before I started asking him what had set him off this morning. He might not get mad if he was happy scarfing down a Big Mac. 

I sat down across from him in the corner booth, sipping at my beverage. He looked at me, raising his eyebrow. "What's wrong, Ash?"

"I'm fine," I answered truthfully.

"Bull. Something's on your mind; I can tell," he pressed. As I was about to answer, the cashier called our number and Luke pushed out his chair. "When I get back, you better tell me."

There was something that he was upset about because he was kind of testy. Either he was upset or was trying to prevent me from cutting again. But still, he usually wasn't so pushy. It was like I was walking on a minefield, trying not to step in the wrong spot otherwise I would blow up. 

He set the tray back on the table, and sat down, passing me my Quarter Pounder and hot chips, making sure to steal one. "Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong with you or are you going to leave me worrying?" 

"Nothing's bothering me, Luke. Other than lying to Calum and Mikey, but that's going to have to happen for right now," I answered, seeing he wasn't satisfied one bit with my answer.

"You're hiding something from me," he pointed out, his tone hardening.

"I am not! I told you that I'm fine. It's you with the problem!" I defended as I set down my burger.

"Me? What did I do?" he asked, completely clueless.

"Why are you so testy towards us? This morning, you blew up at Michael and then you haven't talked to any of us until I came to get you, and now, you're being bossy and pushy! It's like walking on eggshells with you right now!" I told him angrily. "I could've ditched you and went with Cal and Mikey, but I'm your boyfriend, so I thought it would be the boyfriendy thing to do to wait and have lunch with you, but you're a complete and utter prick! I would've rather have third-wheeled it with them!" 

"Did you not hear Michael this morning? Before he woke us up, he was so deadset on us being a couple and was acting like he knows everything. And then when he asked me if we were, he just assumes that I'm going to prove him right and say yes," he vented, his voice rising. "As far as me ignoring you, have you ever thought that maybe I'm a little tired or don't feel well? That I want to get a little extra sleep before I go and play another show tonight?! So I may be a little pushy, but you don't need to penalize me for it and just blow up! Simply ask me what's wrong! That's what a normal person would do instead of calling me a prick!" 

"Don't you dare turn this around and act like I've done everything wrong," I said coldly. 

He threw his half-eaten burger into the cardboard container and got up, grabbing the red tray. "You know what, Ashton? If you would rather spend time with those wankers, then you can go find them and have lunch with them. I'm going back to the bus."

With that, he left, dumping his garbage into the trash bin and then left the building, making sure to flip me off as he walked past the window. I was alone, eating my sandwich by myself. I didn't really care actually. It was better than sitting with Mr. Moody. But at the same time, I feel terrible for being kind of a dick and blowing up at him. I should've just done what he said and asked him if he was okay instead of just yelling at him. 

I pulled out my phone, figuring I should probably call him and beg for him to come back before he got to the bus. It was probably unlikely that he would answer me, but it's worth a try. 

"Haven't you had enough?" he spat.

"Can you come back so we can talk civilly?" I asked.

"No. I'd hate for you to crush anymore eggshells."

The line went dead, making me feel even more shitty for what I said. There was no way I was going to be able to get through to Luke right now since he was so hard-headed. 

\----

The concert was going to start in less than 45 minutes and I still haven't talked to Luke. I had gave him time to cool down and just hung out with Calum and Mikey. I didn't want Luke to go onstage angry, so I walked over to him. He just looked up at me from his phone, the look in his eyes blank. 

"L-luke, can we talk?" I asked quietly. He just looked at me and then looked around before pulling me into a small room where there wasn't any stage hands filtering about.

"Why? So, you can bitch at me some more?" he prompted.

"No, because I don't want you to be angry at me. I'm sorry I started yelling at you like that," I apologized. "You were right; I should've asked you what's wrong before blowing up in your face."

"Yeah, you should've. It's not really boyfriend-like to just go and scream at him," he agreed, his arms crossed. 

"I just...you were Lucifer this morning and I thought you were ashamed or something. I don't know, you just weren't my Lukey," I said, causing a small smile to form on his face from the name. 

"I'm sorry, Ash. It wasn't you and I certainly wouldn't be ashamed of you because I love you. It was what Michael said this morning and I just wasn't feeling all that great so it caused everything to get on my nerves, including you, and I'm sorry that I was Lucifer all day," he finally apologized. "I hope you'll forgive me?"

"Well, I hope you'll forgive me," I answered, smiling as I hugged him.

He pecked my lips. "Now let's go perform one hell of a show."

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love Mikey! I know he's a jerk in this chapter, but it fits with it, so he had to be one. :(


	14. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't any graphic self harm in this chapter, but it is mentioned towards the end.

May 28, 2015 - Dublin, Ireland

During the past three weeks, a lot has happened. More than just the touring and occasional interviews. Luke and I have been more under the radar than we had been when we first started out, much to both of our dismay. Though, not only that, but I have been slipping back into my depression lately. It wasn't due to having to keep my boyfriend a secret; it was due to having to keep lying to people, putting on a fake smile when talking about the fans, the extreme hate I have been receiving. It was getting worse than before and I was starting to lose control of it.

Without Luke's knowledge, I had relapsed and began cutting again, but in places he wasn't going to be able to see, at least for awhile yet. Not only have I went back to cutting, but I've began to starve myself. Everyone is calling me fat and saying that I eat way more than I should, so I'm taking matters into my own hands. So far, I've lost five pounds and I started two weeks ago.

Luke doesn't know that I've been struggling with depression again and I knew he would be upset if he had known what I've been doing. So, I'm keeping it a secret. I must be good at it since I have been hiding my sexuality and relationship from the world for what feels like forever.

"Ash! Do you want to come get ice cream with me?" Luke asked, bursting in from Calum and Michael's conjoined room.

"Uh, no," I answered, going back to watching the TV.

"What? Why?" he asked, looking at me confused.

"Not hungry," I said quietly, diverting my eyes.

"Ashton, you haven't eaten all day. You have to be somewhat hungry. Are you sick?" he quizzed, getting more and more concerned.

"No, I'm just not that hungry right now," I repeated.

"Do you want to at least come with me? You don't have to get anything. We could just hang out by ourselves for a little bit," he requested.

I wanted to be alone with Luke, but I knew if I did, I would eat something and then I would be too fat again. "No, I just want to rest for a bit."

"Did I do something, Ashton?" he sighed, looking at me with sad eyes.

"No."

"Can I cuddle with you then?" he asked. "I miss you."

"Um-" I started, but before I could answer, Luke was crawling onto the bed, wrapping his arms around my torso and lying his head on my chest. I felt slightly uncomfortable, thinking that he might make a comment about how overweight I was. I tried to wriggle out of his embrace, but he just squeezed me tighter.

"Why are you trying to get away from me, Ashy?" Luke asked, hurt in his tone. "You're acting distant. Did I do something wrong?"

"N-no. I just want to be alone right now," I stuttered, avoiding his eyes. 

"But you always want to be alone when we have a little down time. I feel like you're mad at me or one of the others, or all of us," Luke pointed out. "Not to mention that you're not eating, which isn't like you at all."

"I'm fine. Can you just leave? I want to be by myself!" I told him sternly. 

I hated to get harsh with him, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and I don't want him to sit and 'try'. I've come to conclusions that there is no way to pull out of my depression. Not even Luke could help me.

\----

"You guys want to order pizza?" Michael suggested as we waited for the lift to get to our floor of the hotel. "I mean, we aren't in a hurry to get to the next city until tomorrow night, so we could just hang out and play video games or something."

"Yeah, I'm pretty hungry," Cal agreed and Luke nodded as well. 

"Ash? Are you in?" Mikey asked. 

"Um, I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'm not feeling the best," I told them, earning a concerned look from Luke, but he didn't say anything.

"Okay. Well, if you change your mind, we'll be in our room," Calum told me, a warm smile on his face.

The lift doors opened and we walked down the hallway to our rooms, the three stopping at Michael and Calum's door while I went to Luke and mine's. I could feel Luke looking at me worriedly as I fumbled around with the room key, but I pretended as if I didn't notice it. 

"I'm going to change quick and I'll be right over. You can order the pizza," I heard Luke tell them as I pushed open the room door. 

Sure enough, Hemmings walked in shortly after.

"Are you sure you're okay? You haven't been yourself all day," he asked. 

"I'm fine. I just want to go to bed," I mumbled, waiting for him to leave so I could take off my clothes.

"Are you sad again?" he asked quietly.

"No," I lied.

He sighed. I knew he wasn't buying it, but he didn't say anything. "Remember that I want you to talk to me if something is bothering you, okay?"

"Yeah, I know," I answered. 

He gave me a forced half-smile and grabbed his pajamas from his duffle bag at the end of the bed, walking into the bathroom. I quickly stripped out of my sweaty clothes and got into the bed so Luke wouldn't see my bare overweight body. I popped out my contacts, setting them in the case on the nightstand, flicking off the light as I turned to face the wall. 

The bathroom door opened and I heard Luke walk back into the room, shuffling around in his bag as he put his clothes back into his bag. He was beginning to get suspicious of my relapse and I admit I was starting to become obvious about it, but that's because the lying and hiding was starting to become exhausting. I wanted to tell him since he was so caring for me, but at the same time, I wanted to keep it from him because he didn't get me. Nobody did, no matter how many times they said it. 

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I was too awake from the concert yet. I did think about waking up and going over to Cal and Mikey's room, but I decided against it because I thought it would be sort of embarrassing to walk in and claim that I was feeling fine, when really, I wasn't. 

I also didn't want to explain the change of heart to Luke when we would come back in here. Not only that, but he would expect me to be all lovey dovey with him again and I just didn't want to be that type of couple with him right now. I still loved him more than anything, but I just wanted to be alone and away from everyone. 

\----

I woke up and the room was still dark. I didn't know if Luke had come back from Calum and Michael's room yet, but I really hoped he was. I had the overwhelming urge to tell him that I had relapsed and I just wanted him. It was going to keep eating at me if I had to keep pushing him away and lying to him.

I grabbed my phone from underneath the pillow, clicking it on to see that it was three in the morning. Quietly, I flipped over so I could see if Luke was in his bed, but it was still neatly made. My eyes flicked over to the door conjoining the Malum room to ours, seeing that the light was off.

He must've stayed over there, I thought, feeling guilty for snapping at him.

Instead of just closing my eyes and going back to sleep, I got up and tiptoed over to the door, slowly opening it and entering the other room. The telly was still on, the Xbox menu up. Michaels was passed out on the bed, Calum was sitting up, his head bobbing up and down as he snored, and Luke was hugging himself on the floor, close to my bare feet.

He looked so peaceful and adorable as he laid there and I didn't want to wake him, but he did tell me to wake him if I was struggling. Feeling like a complete dick, I squatted down, my knees cracking, and gently shook his shoulder. His eyelids fluttered open and I was greeted with his dreamy blue irises.

"Ashton? What are you doing up?" he asked tiredly. I put a finger to my lips so he would keep his voice down and not wake the other boys.

"I...I have something to tell you," I whispered, trying not to break eye contact.

"If it's 'I love you', then ditto," he responded.

"No, I, Lu-I need you," I stuttered, trying to hold in my tears. "I need your help."

His eyes opened wider and then realization took over his expression. He sat up and grabbed my hand to help himself to his feet. He didn't let go of my hand and he led me back into our dark room. I closed the door quietly and Luke wrapped his arms around me and we sat down on his once-made bed.

"What's wrong, Ashy?" he asked.

"I...I'm relapsing. I've been cutting," I said, avoiding his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" he asked, grabbing my arm, about to turn it over, but he wouldn't find any fresh mutilations.

"The constant lying, the fans, overabundance of hate," I told him.

"Where are they?" he wondered.

"M-my thighs," I stuttered. I got the nerve and looked into his eyes, seeing that they were sad and full of concern. I lifted my boxer leg up, revealing the slashes by my hip. 

He looked away, chewing on his bottom lip. "Ashy, you can't let this hate get to you. Who cares what they think. You're beautiful and the most wonderful person that I have ever met. If you're sick of lying to Calum and Michael, we can surely come out to them if you're ready. They won't hate us if you're afraid of that."

"I don't want to," I said quietly. That wasn't particularly the lying I was talking about, but I wasn't going to correct him.

"Then please promise me that you're not going to do any of that anymore? Talk to me first," he requested. I nodded, not wanting to say anything and start crying on him. He pulled me closer to him, hugging me and peppering kisses in my hair. 

"Can I lay with you for the rest of the night?" I asked, wanting to stay in his warm embrace. 

"Of course, Ash," he responded, pulling the other side of the blankets over the two of us like a taco. 

I burrowed my head into his warm chest a bit more, getting myself comfortable. He was gently running his hands through my curls, helping me ease into a peaceful sleep. I think both of us knew that this was only a temporary fix and neither of us liked the thought of that.

\----


	15. Shit, Shit, Shit

We were woken up by a loud knocking on the wall. Luke groaned above me, causing the knocking to quit and a muffled voice to replace it, but couldn't make out what they were saying. I was still wrapped in Luke's arms, which I wasn't complaining about. I nuzzled my chin into the crook of his neck, getting a pleased moan and a kiss on my head. 

"Morning, beautiful," Luke said sweetly in his morning voice. Looks like Lucifer was taking a morning off.

"Good morning," I responded. 

"How are you doing?" he wondered, tracing small circles on my bicep. 

"Fine. I want to go back to sleep or stay like this forever," I admitted. 

"Who wouldn't?" he said, tipping my chin up and placing a kiss on my lips. 

Just as we broke apart, the conjoining door opened, revealing Calum. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped to the floor. I unwrapped my arm from around Luke's waist, even if it was under the blanket. I was completely lost for words and cursed myself for not making sure that it was locked when we came in here last night.

"I...oh my...I-I had no idea you guys were together," he stammered, shocked at the sight of us.

"We're not, I swear to God. This dumbass literally attacked me awake," Luke told him, sounding pretty believable. 

"Are you sure? I mean, it looks like you're both naked," he said, not convinced. 

"I'm fucking positive. Now can you both get the fuck away from me?!" Luke snapped at the two of us, erm, well, Calum mainly. 

"Sorry, I was just making sure you guys were awake and I wanted to ask if you wanted to meet up with Niall and Theo, but nevermind," Cal said, backing out of the room and closing the door. 

"You sounded pretty serious there," I told him, sitting up. "I thought Lucifer was taking a morning off." 

"Only for you, Ashy," he smiled. "Why don't you go tell them that we'll go with them to see Niall and Theo and I'll get dressed?"

"Okay," I responded, smiling.

I got out of the bed and went over to the conjoining door, not bothering to get my clothes on yet; it's not like I was going to waltz in there so Mikey and Cal could see my half-naked body, cuts, obesity, and all. When I opened the door and stuck my head in, nobody was in the room. Had they left without us already?

"Guys?" I called out. "Calum? Michael?"

Calum walked into the room from the bathroom, a bottle of water in his hands. "Hey, Ash. I'm sorry for assuming you and Luke were...gettin'iton."

"It's okay. You walked in at a rather...odd time," I chuckled. He just smiled, shaking his head. "Are you and Mikey still going to see Niall and Theo?"

"Yeah. Do you want to come?" Cal asked.

"Yeah, sure. Luke actually wanted to come too. If that's okay," I told him.

"If he isn't going to act like Lucifer, then I'm fine with it," he agreed.

"Where's Mikey?" I wondered.

"Fuck if I know. He said something about going down to get the hotel's breakfast, but I didn't think it would take him this long," he exhaled. "You guys get dressed and we'll barge in when Mikey gets back."

"Okay."

I ducked back into our room, Luke coming out of the bathroom in just his skinny jeans with his hair down. I couldn't help but check him out; the boy is my boyfriend for fuck's sake.

"Like what you see?" he snorted, a playful smirk on his face.

"Uh...n-ye-sorry," I stammered, fiercely blushing.

"You're adorable, Ashy. I could say the same to you; you're body is beautiful," he said, his smirk turning into a smile.

The comment made me turn more red than Michael's hair and I crossed my arms over my bare torso. "Thanks."

"Don't be shy," Luke laughed. "I'm being serious, Ashton. There's nothing wrong with you or your body."

I just smiled and went over to my duffel, grabbing boxers, a shirt, and a pair of skinnies, quickly putting them on so Luke didn't have to continue looking at my ugly body. I knew he was just telling me that I was beautiful to make me feel good, which was sweet, but both of us knew the disgusting truth.

"Did Cal say when we were going?" Luke asked, putting on his black vans.

"Just that him and Michael will barge in when Mikey's finished raiding the breakfast bar," I told him.

"So, unfortunately, that means no snogging. Unless you want it to turn out like last time," Luke smirked, causing me to blush.

I didn't bother putting on a bandana or my contacts. It was just Niall; he wouldn't care if we looked like hobos or well-dressed businessmen. I ran my hands through my hair again so it fall correctly. I turned around to go join Luke on the bed, when I ran into the devil himself.

"I love it when you leave your hair down and have your glasses on. It makes you look even more adorable," Luke purred, kissing my forehead gently.

"T-thanks. I was just too lazy to do anything today," I stammered, feeling slightly uncomfortable with Luke telling me how "perfect" I am every five minutes.

Luke backed away from me just as Cal and Mikey barged through the conjoined door, both either singing opera or wailing like a kangaroo. Luke and I just stood there, wondering what the fuck those two smoked before they came in here.

"You know, you two are sticks in the mud," Michael stated plainly when they finished their little show.

"Well, we also aren't the ones in need of a mental ward," Luke retorted.

Calum flipped him off with both of his hands and then turned to me. "We're ready to go, so yeah."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

Michael just shrugged. "Hell if I know. Niall's picking us up, so who knows where he'll take us. He'll probably take us to his little torture chamber and torture us with some Irish voodoo." The three of us just looked at him blankly. "What?"

"Are you on drugs?" Calum asked him, earning a slap from Mikey. "Come on. Let's go before Mikey finds some more drugs." 

\----

Niall had ended up taking us to this ampitheater that One Direction had been rehearsing in while they set 3Arena up for our show. Their concert was in at least two or three days; why he would want to come here when he had a day off with his nephew was beyond me. 

Mikey, Calum, Niall and Theo had been traveling in a quartet as we walked into the auditorium, leaving Luke and I to walk behind them. It wasn't like we weren't welcomed; Cal and Mikey were just rambling Niall's ear off at the moment. As we continued towards the big doors, Luke played with my fingers, wanting to hold my hand. 

"Lu-"

"And this is where the magic happens!" Niall shouted, running down middle aisle of the grand and articulate auditorium with his arms spread wide. I had a feeling that Theo would've been on the hard floor if Calum wouldn't have grabbed him. 

"I LIKE BOOBS!" Michael sang, his voice ringing throughout the area. 

"Hey! There's a toddler here!" Calum snapped at him, getting all fatherly. 

"So? He's going to know what they are sooner or later. Why not break him in early?" Mikey joked.

"He isn't even two years old, you idiot!" Calum said, slapping Mikey's arm.

"Think about it. Niall's his uncle," Michael pointed out, ignoring Calum's slap. 

"Tomato has a point," Niall said, now sitting on the stage, swinging his legs back and forth. 

I was going to go sit by the blonde Irishmen when Luke grabbed my bicep. I turned, seeing eagerness in his blue eyes. "What?"

"What were you going to say?" he asked smoothly. 

"W-we can't, uh, hold hands, remember?" I whispered. A small smile tugged at his lips and his grasp on my bicep snaked down to my long fingers. "W-what are you doing?!" 

"I'm holding your hand now, aren't I? They don't even notice anyone else is in here," he pointed out. He was right; the three were bantering back and forth while we just stood in the background. But then I caught his drift.

Not wanting to assume, I cocked my eyebrow. "What are you implying?" 

"Let's find the dressing room or janitor's closet," he suggested, taking a step towards me as he licked his lips and squeeed my hand a bit tighter. "If you know what I mean." 

"Uh, Luke...what if they do notice? What are we going to tell them? I dropped something in your mouth? I don't think they'll buy that," I told him. I wanted to snog him; I loved the dumbass. I just didn't want one of our best friends walking in on us and finding out that we were both gay and in a relationship with each other.

"They won't. And if they do, we'll say we were looking for the toilets or something," Luke pleaded. "And I'm pretty sure that the dressing rooms come with locking doors." 

"Luk-" I started, but he was already dragging me out of the auditorium. 

We went through a set of heavy double doors and went through what felt like a billion hallways until we found the dressing rooms backstage. The one Luke took me into was big and mostly empty except the furniture and a few items that looked to be Niall's or Harry's on the table. He let go of my hand as soon as we were in the middle of the room and went over to door, turning the deadbolt so it was locked. 

Before I could do anything else, Luke shoved me against the wall, roughly attacking my lips with his own. He traced my bottom lip, waiting for me to open my mouth and let him explore it for the third time. I nipped at his bottom lip and ran my tongue over the cool lip ring before I let his wild tongue in. He took me off of the wall and pushed me down onto the leather couch, not once leaving my lips. 

I felt him begin to tug at the hem of my shirt with his right hand as his left tangled in my hair. I took it off, quickly reconnecting with his swollen lips. He broke away and began kissing down my torso, making me feel uncomfortable that he had to be kissing someone as fat as me. He came back up to my neck and began sucking at a spot, lightly biting at the skin. As I let out a deep groan, Luke unbuttoned my pants and began sliding them down until they were off. 

His thumb brushed over one of my more recent cuts before he came back down and started kissing where my V should be. Luke started to pull down the band of my boxers, but I stopped him. "Not yet." 

"Okay," Luke panted, quickly stripping and laying down on top of me. 

His bare skin was so warm against my body. Our kisses were starting to get sloppy, but at the same time, they were still full of lust. Luke began to kiss and suck at my neck, making me groan when he found my sweet spot. His hands were tangled in my hair, much like mine were in his. 

Interrupting our wonderful snog, the heavy locked door opened and Niall walked in, stopping mid-sentence. "I'm...wow...okay, well...um, bye?" 

Just as fast as it opened, the door was shut again and I'm pretty sure Niall was leaning against it, wondering what the fuck was going on. 

"Shit," Luke muttered, climbing off me as he hurried and put his clothes back on. "Shit, shit, shit. We have to catch him and swear him to secrecy. I'm so sorry, Ashton." 

"I thought you locked the deadbolt!" I pointed out.

"I did, but it must not work!" he scrambled, trying to get his skinny jeans on. 

"Well, if you're going to stop the rumor mill, you better get your ass going!" I demanded. 

Luke stumbled over to the door, his pants around his ankles and his shirt misbuttoned. He opened it and Niall was on the other side against the wall, his face in utter shock and confusion. Luke put his hand up as he held onto his skinny jeans. "Niall, before you jump the gun, let us explain." 

"What the hell is there to explain?! I thought that sight was pretty straightforward!" Niall said in a voice an octave higher than normal as he looked between Luke and I. 

"No, there is something to explain, so get your Irish ass in here," Luke demanded him. 

Niall slowly made his way in, trying not to make eye contact with either of us. I started to slowly put my clothes back on and Niall kept his distance, trying his best not to make it more awkward than it already was. Luke closed the door again, this time placing the trash can in front of it, even though you could knock it over by blowing on it. 

"Niall, what you saw was what it looked like. Ashton and I...well, we're together now," Luke told him. He took a step towards Niall, but he just backed away. "You have to promise that you won't tell anybody. Ashton just figured out his sexuality recently and he's not ready to come out yet. I've known I was gay for a while, but I'm not really wanting to come out yet either. You need to keep this between the three of us. Please." 

Niall just looked between the two of us, Luke still standing with his pants around his ankles. I was scared that he was going to answer no or give us some excuse to why he wouldn't keep our secret. If it got out that Luke and I were together, that could ruin our career, mainly because it was me he chose. It could be the end of 5 Seconds of Summer. It could be the end of our tight-knit friendships with Calum and Michael because we've been lying the whole time. I couldn't let this happen to us. This band was everything to me, even if the fans hated me and I hated myself. This band is with my three best friends and I certainly can't lose any of those things.

\----


	16. Doubts

The look on Niall's face wasn't giving me any hint of whether or not he was going to keep quiet about the whole snogging thing, but I was praying to God he would. I mean, he's Niall! The boy didn't have an evil bone in his body! He couldn't tell everyone this secret just to spite us. As far as I know, he likes both Luke and I. That's the impression I got anyway.

"Um, well, I don't have a problem with you two...dating. I just am surprised?" he squeaked.

"You have to keep this a secret, Niall. Ashton's having a difficult time with this and if you let it slip, you could drive the poor thing into depression," Luke pleaded with the apprehensive blonde, glancing at me every so often.

"Do you know how big of secret that is? That's not like the stupid little secrets kindergartners tell each other; this is like the Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana secret. That's a huge weight your putting on me," Niall spoke, the most he's spoken since he's come in.

"We know. We wouldn't be asking you to do it if we didn't care, but we do," Luke continued. I began to see him fidget around, which meant he was nervous. "Please, Niall."

"Y-yeah, whatever. I'm just...I'm going to go. You can go back to...whatever you were doing," he said monotonously and then walked out of the dressing room quickly.

I looked at Luke, feeling like Niall now viewed me as a disappointment, which I wouldn't blame him for. I was so disgusted in myself; if I could think of a stronger word for it, I would.

"Ash, he's going to keep it to himself, I just know," he quickly reassured me. "You know Niall; he wouldn't hurt the people he loves. Hell, he wouldn't hurt anybody."

"How do you know?" I squeaked.

He gave me a disbelieved expression. "You've known Niall for two years. Has he done anything to intentionally hurt someone? Has he done anything to intentionally hurt you?"

I shook my head, but I just didn't know anymore. Luke could try and tell me that Niall would keep quiet all he wants, but I just have doubts about everything lately. Luke entwined our hands and he helped me up off the couch.

"Let's go back out to the auditorium. I have a feeling we're going to be leaving soon," he said, pulling his pants up and straightening out his misbuttoned shirt.

Luke was talking to me the entire way back up to the auditorium, but I was barely listening to him. All that coursed through my mind was if Niall had ran and told Michael and Calum that their two best friends were gay. My luck, he had.

Luke pushed open the large doors that led into the auditorium, the three boys up on the stage. Calum and Michael were goofing off and Niall was just sitting there as he awkwardly watched them with Theo on his lap, forcing a laugh once in a while. When the giant doors slammed shut, all three of their heads turned to us. Niall quickly diverted his gaze, his awkwardness and uncertainty very visible, but the other two were oblivious to his actions.

"Where were you two at? We thought you got kidnapped by a murderer," Michael said.

"We went exploring and got lost looking for the toilets," Luke lied smoothly. I glanced up at Niall, who wasn't going to say anything about the lie.

"I suppose I better get Theo back to Greg. They probably think that I am holding him hostage," Niall said, quickly changing the subject.

"Okay. Do you want to go eat something after you drop him off? I'm craving breakfast for lunch," Calum wondered.

"Um, I actually have a meeting with management and the boys, so I better get ready for that," Niall said awkwardly as he glanced over at us. Whether what he said was true, I would never know. But I did know that he didn't want to be in the same vicinity as us.

\----

Niall had dropped us off at the hotel rather quickly, which left Mikey and Calum wondering why he was acting so weird all of a sudden, which meant that Niall had kept his mouth shut...as far as we knew. Calum continued to bother us about getting breakfast for lunch, so Luke took initiative and ordered pancakes for all of us through room service.

Luke insisted that I hang out with them in Cal and Mikey's room so it didn't look like something happened at the ampitheater. I was just laying on the bed as the other three played some Xbox game. They were too involved in the game to even care if I was there, so Luke was probably implying that he didn't want me to go and slice up my body, so I needed to stay by his side.

I hadn't touched my 3-high stack of pancakes since Luke placed them in front of me. The looks of it made me want to hurl right there, but I thought it was best if I just left it sit so no one would worry about if I was sick. The smell of them and the maple syrup was overwhelming as well, making my stomach do flips like an Olympic gymnast.

"Ash? Are you okay?" Michael asked, his voice concerned.

"Yeah, I'm just not that hungry," I said. Luke snapped his head over to me.

"Can I have those then?" Mikey wondered, a playful smile on his face.

"No," Luke interrupted as I nodded. "Ashton, you haven't eaten for damn near two days. You need to get food in your stomach before you get sick."

"Luke, I'm not feeling that well, so I'm not hungry," I told him. "Go ahead, Mikey."

I handed him the plate of pancakes as Luke looked at me with a sad expression. I diverted my gaze from him, not thinking about how heartbroken the look on his face was. I laid my head back down and continued staring at the wall until my eyelids got heavy and then shut.

I was rudely woken up when I felt a pillow slam against my head. I put my hand over my head, looking up to see Luke standing above me with the hurtful pillow in his hands. He didn't look happy with me; he looked like Lucifer decided to make a nighttime appearance.

"Ashton, what the hell?" he snapped.

I looked up at him, confused to why he was mad at me. "I think I should be the one asking what the hell. You were the one who woke me up during a nice sleep."

"Shut up; you were only out for ten minutes," he argued.

"Whatever. What do you want?" I asked.

"I want to know why you haven't eaten for the past two days. Surely, the excuse that you aren't hungry is a lie," he pointed out.

Fuck.

"Well, it isn't," I lied.

"Bullshit," he retorted. Within an instant, his expression turned soft. "Don't do this to yourself, Ash."

"Do what?!" I asked, pretending I was completely oblivious to his accusations. I thought it was pretty convincing.

"You're starving yourself. You don't need to do that," he said, sitting down on the empty spot next to me. "How long?"

I got quiet, not really wanting to talk about this with him right now. But by the look on his face, I knew I was going to give in eventually. I brought my eyes up to look at Luke, who looked as of he was about to cry.

"Please, Ashton, don't do this to yourself anymore," he whispered. His eyes welled with tears. "Please, just stop doing these things to yourself."

\----


	17. The Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be what is going through Ashton's mind and what is happening to him. This will be a very triggering chapter for those of you beautiful people who have gone through/are going through depression and such. So, I do understand if you skip this chapter if you are easily triggered to do anything harmful to yourselves.

"You're disgusting, Ashton. You don't deserve happiness. You don't deserve anything. You're just a waste of air."

"People like you don't deserve love. You're so fucked up that nobody would want to waste their time with you."

"Do you think Luke actually loves you? Do you believe that he's actually gay? He's only dating you out of pity."

"He doesn't love you. Why would he? You're a worthless piece of shit that nobody cares about. Nobody loves you."

The voices wouldn't quit. I was in a black space, so I couldn't see who they belonged to and I don't think I've ever heard them before. I couldn't help but cry at what they were saying. I knew that everything they said was true, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. 

Suddenly, a mirror appeared before me and my ungodly reflection stared back at me. I squeezed my eyes shut until the point of pain, but the tears escaped through the tight slits anyway. 

"Open you're fucking eyes and look at yourself; you're hideous." 

Against my will, my eyes slowly pried open and I looked at myself through cloudy vision. The voice was absolutely right. 

"There's nothing attractive about you. Your hair looks like a stringy and disgusting mess Your eyes are dull holes that are the color of vomit. Overall, you look like one of God's rejects."

No matter how honest the voice was being, the words still stung me. I tried everything to keep my heavy sobs in so they wouldn't make fun of me for it, but that was easier said than done.

"You're fat. You barely fit into those jeans because you're so overweight. Luke won't share a bed with you because he's afraid he'll get crushed. Oh, and the fact that he doesn't fucking love you."

I willed myself to look away from my horrid reflection, but some force kept my gaze locked on it. 

"Look how pathetic you are. You cut? That's pathetic. Do you think slicing up your arms and legs will make you any less ugly? Do you think it will magically make people like you? They would see you as more of a freak than they already do!"

The words were making me infuriated and I tried to scream for them to stop as I crumbled to my knees, but it only came out as weak whimpers. All I wanted was for them to stop ridiculing me, to stop reminding me how shitty and disgustng of a human being I am. 

"And the icing on top of the cake is tat you're gay! And you thought that convincing yourself that you were would magically make you less of a fuck up? What's wrong with you?! Being gay makes you more vile than you already are! It's inhumane and just utterly disgraceful to the human population! You're going to Hell for it, you faggot!" 

\----

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" I yelled, thrashing around in the bed. 

Immediately, I sat up, seeing that I was once again in the pitch black, though, once my eyes adjusted, I saw the dull light from my charging phone glowing against the white wall. The curtains were closed and there wasn't a hint of daylight coming underneath it. My eyes darted over to Luke's bed, seeing that he wasn't there. My thoughts instantly went to The Voices. 

"He doesn't love you."

In the back of my mind, I had always had that thought of whether he really did love me or not. I never wanted to believe that he didn't actually love me or want to be with me, but I had the constant reminder that all of this was out of pure sympathy. Now that I thought about it even more, it made sense that Luke wasn't gay and that he didn't love me any more than a friend, if he even considered me that. 

The Voices were right about me, about everything they said. I was just a waste of space that nobody could give two shits in Hell about. I didn't deserve anything; I didn't deserve to be in 5 Seconds of Summer. I don't deserve to be in this damn hotel room. I don't deserve to be on this tour. I don't deserve to even be remotely considered a celebrity. I don't deserve any credit for any VMA or ARIA or AMA awards we got. All I did was drum. What kind of celebrity is that?

Finally moving, I opened the nightstand drawer, digging out my box of razors. I took out one of the could blades with my shaky hands and put the little container back The small blade shook in between my trigger fingers as I brought it down to my forearm. 

First cut. You're a sin.

Second cut. Nobody wants you.

Third cut. You'll never be good enough for anything.

Fourth cut. You should never have met the others. All you do is drag them down.

By the time I was finished, I had a total of twenty perfectly straight and bleeding cuts, ten on each arm. I was just laying on the bed, watching the blood run out of my body. Normally, I would've went directly to the bathroom and cleaned up so the bed wouldn't get full of the red liquid, but now, I don't care. 

I don't care about anything. I could bleed out and it wouldn't bother me. Luke was going to be upset with me when he saw this, but why should I give a flying fuck? He was going to sit and lie to me about how much I supposedly meant to him and all of that horse shit anyway. Why should I give half a shit about his feelings when he doesn't give half a shit about mine?

I hate him. I hate everyone and everything. I have no feelings anymore. I'm just a shell. I have no remorse or guilt about hurting myself like this. Why would I? I hate myself.

All I want to do is lay in this bed and, staring at the ceiling as I wait to die. Everyone would be better off without me, despite what they said. They want to keep me here because they want me to be happy. Why force an unhappy person to stay in this Hell when they would be happy to leave it? 

Why force someone with no desire to live to stay here? If they want me to be happy, they would let me leave this world. It would be less of a burden on them if I was gone anyway.

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever feel this depressed or just depressed in general, I'm here for you all. Just send me a message or comment a *-* if you want to talk, okay?


	18. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may and probably is rather triggering.

Dear Luke,

This is the last thing I write. No, I’m not quitting the band. Not technically anyway. Though, after you read this, you and the boys will need to start looking for a replacement for me. As much as the 3 of you want to quit the band, I want you to know that this is what I want. 5 Seconds of Summer needs to keep rockin’ out with or without me. By the ti

I crinkled the piece of paper up and ran my fingers through my snarly hair. I was frustrated. I didn’t want to think and I didn’t want spend my time writing this God damn letter. They wouldn’t give a fuck if I was gone, let alone why. They’d probably would be happy that I was out of their lives forever.

I took a drink of the hot cappuccino I ordered, hoping that it would give me a small boost of energy to write this damn thing. Being it’s quiet and a relaxing atmosphere, I thought Starbucks would be an easy place to write, but it’s not. For normal people it might be, but for suicidal freaks like me, nothing comes easy.

Michael, Calum, Luke-

Goodbye. I want that to be my last word to you. Forget the last conversation I had with you and just remember my last word as goodbye.

Throughout the years, you boys have become so much more than bandmates; you’re like family. I want you to know that what I did, it isn’t any of your faults. Don’t blame yourselves. Killing myself seems to be the only way that I can see myself happy again.

Cal and Mikey, there’s a few things that you don’t know about me and I wish I would’ve told you personally while I was still alive, but I never could get balls enough to do it because I was so afraid of your judgments. So I figured this letter would be a good place to lay it all out on the table.

1) I’m utterly depressed, if you weren’t able to figure that out by now. I’ve been battling this for a long time now, but it has gotten considerably worse in the past few months. That’s why I was distant from both of you. If you want more explanation, ask Luke. He knows everything.

2) I’m gay. Mikey, you hit the nail right on the head. Luke helped me realize that. (Luke, I’m sorry if you wanted to keep us a secret, but they have to know) Luke and I are/were together. We were sneaking behind your backs for a long time, but that’s because Luke wanted to protect me. I had trouble accepting myself and feared that neither of you would accept me either.

That’s the deep and dark secrets you never knew. But before I go, I want to get one question on your minds answered:

Was your depression that bad that killing yourself was the only answer?  
Yes. It’s always hard to explain the way someone feels, so the best I can give you is this:

My depression is like I’m drowning. I watch everyone else breathing at the surface while I continue to suffocate, but never die.

I’m going to say this again-don’t blame yourselves for this. There was nothing that could truly make me happy anymore. I’m sorry, Luke. I’m sorry, Calum. I’m sorry, Michael.

I don’t want you guys to quit the band because I’m not there. You need to find a new drummer and continue rockin’ out. It’s what I want. 5 Seconds of Summer needs to live on, with or without me. I’m sure my replacement will be less of a wreck than I am.

When you guys go out there tonight, tomorrow night, whatever night, own it. Play like your lives depended on it. Do it for me. And when you play Wherever You Are, think of me jammin’ out up there with you. It’s hands down, my favorite song that we’ve ever done. If it gets too much, you can just hit it and quit it. Play it just once more and then you can just forget that it was ever written.

There’s nothing more for me to say to any of you. I’ve told you all I want you to know and if you have anymore questions, ask Luke. He’ll tell you what he can.  
Don’t cry over me. Don’t mourn me forever. Believe me when I say that I’m not worth your tears.

I’ll always be there with you all in spirit.

Goodbye.

-Ash xx

I set the pen down, skimming over the long letter. I guess I was happy with it. It covered everything so they wouldn’t sit there and continue questioning. I folded up the paper nice and evenly and scribbled Cal, Mikey, Luke on the flap. I was about to get up to leave when I remembered I had to write that letter that was just for Luke. He was going to be shattered and I couldn’t forget the most important letter. I got another piece of paper and picked up the pen, taking a deep breath before I started writing it again.

\----

When I got back to the hotel, none of the boys were there, thankfully. I turned the light on in mine and Luke’s room, seeing the unmade beds again. The room was as messy and untouched as they were a few hours ago when we all left. It would remain that way, but would have the addition of Luke’s letter on his pillow and the other note lying around here somewhere.

I didn’t really think about where I would end up putting the note that was to all three of the boys. I wanted to make sure that they got it. I would put it next to the perfectly placed one on Luke’s pillow, but I didn’t want to overwhelm with two suicide letters at once. I’m sure that would send him into a coronary and I didn’t want to do that to my love.

The only logical place I could think to put it that Michael and Calum would find it was on top of the telly remote. If they didn’t get it there, then I guess it would never be read until the maids find it and my suicide erupts in the media, if anyone would even give a shit. 

It took me only a few minutes to decide how I wanted to die. I wanted the most unmessiest way; not a gun, not a hanging, not popping pills, and not cutting too deep so I bled out. I was going to jump from our room's large window. We were fifteen stories up; I would free fall and land on the pavement below. At least I would die in Ireland. This is where everything went to Hell in a handbasket, so why not finish business in the same place?

Nervously, I made my way over to the window and slowly opened the curtains and then slid up the window. The only place I would have to push off from would be the heating unit because there wasn't a sturdy ledge. I climbed up onto it and swallowed the lump in my throat. 

This was it.

I was going to be gone forever.

Out of their lives. 

I wrote my own fate. 

Here I go.

\----


	19. Take Me

Narrator:

Luke hurried up to Calum and Michael’s hotel room, knowing that those two were antsy as all Hell. He was, unfortunately, the one who had to go up to their room and get their chargers because he was the one who lost No Nose Goes. He shoved the keycard into the slot, waiting for the light to blink green. As he went into the messy room, he wondered where Ashton was. He was worried about him; he seemed really sad and quiet this morning and said he just wanted to be left alone. When Luke checked his Instagram and Twitter earlier, there wasn’t any posts or anything. He didn’t expect there to be, but there was always that shimmer of hope.

He saw a neatly folded piece of notebook paper on the telly remote, which was on top of the telly itself. Luke found that a bit odd, but figured that it was probably a letter that the maids had delivered from a fan, so he just shrugged it off. Quickly, he went over to the nightstand that separated Calum and Michael’s beds, grabbing Cal’s green charger and Mikey’s yellow one. As he turned around, he tripped over something and fell onto Mikey’s unmade bed.

“Pick up your fucking shoes, Michael,” Luke grumbled to himself, giving the shoe a good kick across the room and then a realization came to him.

The maids haven’t been in here yet.

He got up from the bed and went over to the telly, grabbing the folded piece of paper. On top, only three of the boys’ names were written neatly across it. Luke immediately started shaking and hastily unfolded the note, hoping it wasn’t what he thought it was. As he scanned over it, he instantly started to cry.

It was Ashton’s suicide note.

His boyfriend, his best friend, his band mate, was going to kill himself, if he hasn’t already, and there might not be anything that Luke could do about it. Luke’s heart started to race and he didn’t know what to do. He had no idea where Ashton could be. There’s no chance of him being in their room still, but Luke didn’t stop himself from checking.

He hurried over to the door that conjoined the two rooms and yanked it open, his eyes darting around the room. He saw Ashton perched on top of the window, looking like he was about to jump.

“Ashton, stop!” Luke yelled. Ashton looked back at him with teary eyes, terror filling his face.

“W-what do y-you want?” Ashton spat shakily, not wanting Luke to be here. He wanted to be able to follow through with this suicide attempt.

“Ashton, get down,” Luke croaked, trying to keep himself calm. “P-please.”

“Why should I? Why do I need to stay alive if I don’t have anything or anyone to live for?” Ashton said, trying to swallow his fear.

A strong and cold gust of wind came through the window, making both of the boys rather chilled. Ashton’s hair blew into his eyes, which irritated him, but he knew if he flicked it away, he was going to fall. He wanted to, but he wanted to fall at his own will, not by getting his hair out of his eyes.

“You have me, Ashton,” Luke said, his voice cracking. “Don’t jump. For me, please.”

Luke was too scared that Ashton was just going to jump and he wanted to ease him out of that terrible decision, so he took slow steps towards the terrified boy. Ashton just looked at Luke, his brain telling him to just leap, but his body wouldn’t move.

“G-get away from m-me,” Ashton stammered.

Luke stayed quiet and kept inching towards him. Ashton started to back away from him, his shoes giving off small squeaks as he backed up. He kept looking at Luke, silently challenging him to stop moving so he would too. As if reading his mind, Luke stopped an arms length away from Ashton, tears freely running down his cheeks.

“I’m g-going to do i-it, so if y-you want to w-watch, then f-fine,” Ashton told Luke.

He took a deep breath, briefly closing his eyes, and then looked back at Ashton through his tears. “If you want to kill yourself, then you’re going to take my arm and you’re going to let me jump with you.”

Ashton looked at Luke i disbelief at what he just told him. He thought he was joking, but Luke had a stone hard expression and tuck out his arm, waiting for Ashton to take it.

Technically, Luke was waiting to die. 

Judging by the hesitation from Ashton, Luke was hoping that he would think twice about jumping. Though, it also scared him that Ashton would take him up on his compromise. 

"L-Luke...you know I c-could never hurt you like that," Ashton stammered. Luke quirked his eyebrow at the lad. 

And then Ashton understood everything.

\----

(Back to Ashton's POV)

After the sense of realization, I began to cry harder than I already was, my head hanging down in pure shame. Luke's arms suddenly wrapped around me and I curled into his warm chest as he pulled me back into the hotel room. He set me down on the bed and I heard the closing of the window and then felt the bed dip next to me. Instantly, I crawled onto Luke's lap, squeezing the sleeves of his sweatshirt. 

"It's going to be okay, Ashton," Luke muttered as he kissed the top of my head. 

He started to gently rock us back and forth and I held onto him tighter. It was my first attempt at suicide and I had failed. I had failed because of Luke Hemmings. 

I was still trying to make up my mind if that was a good thing or not.

\----

When I woke up, Luke's arms weren't around me and I was alone in the room, which made my heart sink to the floor. I knew he would leave.

I should've just fell.

Surprising me, the door conjoining the rooms opened and Michel walked in, quickly coming over to me. The red-haired boy wrapped his arms around me tightly and I heard him sniffling as he silently cried. I tried to pull away from him, but he just squeezed me tighter in his death grip.

"I'm so happy you're alive, Ashton. So fucking happy. Don't you ever try that shit again," Mikey said, his words muffled by my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell anyone you were feeling like this? You know we would've helped you." 

I didn't say anything and Michael didn't pressure me to. It was a question that didn't need an answer. I just sat in his tight hug, wondering if he meant what he just said. 

"Can you make me a promise, Ash?" he asked, his voice hollow. He broke out of our hug and put his hands firmly on my shoulders, his puffy green eyes intensely looking into mine. "Can you promise to never do that again?" 

The tone of his voice made him sound like he was practically begging me to promise him. I wanted so badly to, but I knew I would end up breaking my promise to him. I didn't want to do that. 

"Can you please answer me, Ashton? Can you promise me you won't try that again?" he repeated, his voice shaking and cracking as tears began to flood his flushed cheeks.

"No."

\----


	20. Luke's Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is solely Ashton's letter to Luke, who is reading it while Ashton's asleep. It will be referred to in the future and I know you all were curious, so.

Dear Luke,

I love you. I truly do. But, much to your disappointment, this isn't a sappy love note I decided to put on your pillow. 

This is a suicide letter. 

By the time you read this, I'm probably dead. Yes, I really did kill myself and am not playing a sick joke on you. I jumped from our window while you were out with Calum and Mikey. I didn't give you a proper goodbye, but I didn't want a reason to stay in the Hell.

I wrote another letter to you, Calum, and Michael. It's in their room if you haven't read it. I told them. I told them I was depressed and that I was gay and that I'm your boyfriend. I hope you don't mind I did that. If you do, just deny it and say I'm delusional. I didn't go into grave detail about my depression or anything, so if they have questions, answer them to the best of your ability. 

I'm putting you in charge of keeping the band together. Just because I'm dead desn't mean you have to cancel ROWYSO. So many fans are looking forward to seeing you and I don't want to be the root of disappointment. Again. Nobody will care if I'm dead anyway. Don't let my absence ruin the band's first headlining tour. 

I was thinking earlier (when don't I?) and realized we don't have anything to claim as "ours". You know what I'm saying? We don't have a song, an "always", a secret place, etc. So, I wanted to claim something as ours. Something that will Lashton's (our ship name, if you didn't know). 

If it's alright with you, I want our song to be Wherever You Are. It's alright if you don't want to affliate that with me. I just thought that since we wrote it together, it would make sense. Plus, it fits us so well, especially now. Wherever you are, I love you. 

This next paragraph is going to make me sound bipolar, but believe me when I say that I'm not. I've had this thought in my head ever since we got together. I'm not blind to the fact that the majority of your feelings for me are sympathy. I know that is the main reason I'm calling you my boyfriend. You didn't want my to up and end my life, so you wanted to give me a reason to stay. I'm not angry about it, Luke. I just wanted you to be aware that I wasn't oblivious. Your efforts did work, but everything is becoming too much and I cannot mentally or physically handle it. I love you, Luke. When I say it, I mean it out of my true feelings. I really do love you.

I don't have anymore to say now. Tell my family that I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. Tell the "fans" that I accidentally took one too many sleeping pills or something so it looks like an accidental death. I don't know how long that story will last, but...

I will all of my belongings to you, Michael, and Calum. But if they won't take care of it, I want you to have it. 

3 1/2 years. It was a great ride. 

-Ashton xx

P.S. I love you.

\----


	21. Anguish

"W-what?" Michael responded, his eyes wide. "Ash, you can't do this. You're beautiful and amazing, I promise you."

"Michael, I'm not going to make promises I don't know if I can keep," I said, sounding a little more cold than I intended. 

Michael just stared at me, struggling to keep his sobs in. I felt bad for giving him that answer because I knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear, but it was the truth. I've lied to him enough already.

"Why don't you know if you can keep it?" he asked quietly. 

"Because I'm not happy here, Michael," I said and then got up and went into the bathroom, hoping he'd take the hint that I didn't want to talk to anyone. 

After standing in there for a good five minutes, I heard the conjoining door shut. I went back into the hotel room, seeing that Michael had left. I crawled back into my bed and curled into a ball under my blankets, wishing that Luke was there to hold me. 

\----

"Ashton, babe, wake up," a sweet voice said.

I blinked my eyes a few times, letting them adjust to the rather dark room. There was a silhouette at the foot of my bed, the broad shoulders showing that it was Luke. I looked at him, thankful that he didn't run away like I thought he would've. I wouldn't blame him if he ran away from a mess like me. 

"What?" I grumbled.

Without words, he crawled in next to me, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist and burrowed his face into the crook of my neck. I felt warm tears fall onto my skin, which only caused me to cry with him. He shouldn't be wasting his tears on me.

I didn't protest to Luke's need of cuddling. It felt good to be wanted, even if it was only because he walked in on me trying to commit my heinous act. His tears were starting to soak the crook of my neck, making his cheek stick to my skin. I didn't know how to comfort him other than by laying there like I was. I was never the one to do the comforting. I was always the one to be comforted.

"A-Ashton, you know I love you, right?" he sniffled, hugging me closer. "You may think I love you out of pity, but I don't. I love you with every ounce of my being because of you."

Now that he was telling me this, I had a little less doubt. But there was that little voice in my head that was telling me that nobody in their right mind would fl in love someone as monstrous and disgusting as me. Sympathy was surely a factor in his feelings. 

"Ash?" he asked. His voice was small and shaky, which was so unlike the Luke Robert Hemmings I knew. 

"Hm?" I answered, not really wanting to talk.

"You do know I truly love you, right?" he repeated, desperate for the answer. 

"You read the letter?" I asked, changing the subject slightly. "The one that was just for you?"

"Yeah. I read both of them," he responded, his voice now a whisper. "Do you really think I'm with you out of sympathy?"

I didn't answer. His question didn't need one for him to figure it out. It didn't tke him all that long because he began to shake with those God foresaken sobs that made my heart hurt. 

"Did Calum and Michael read the letter?" I asked, trying to keep my sobs in. 

"Not all of it," he answered between sobs. "They didn't get to the part about your secrets. They were too emotional to read past the first paragraph."

In a way, I was happy Michael and Calum didn't finish the letter. I'm glad they didn't find out my horrid secrets. As messed up as it is, I would rather them find out when I was dead. That way, I wouldn't have to face their judgments and ridicule. 

"Why did you tell Michael that you can't promise that you won't try to commit suicide again?" Luke squeaked. "We're all in ruins about you. We don't want you gone. I don't want you gone. I don't know what I would do without you."

"You would simply go on living, Luke," I said immediately. "I donn't want to lie anymore than I already am. You don't understand the fucked up feelings I'm feeling, Luke. Nobody does."

"Explain them so I do. I want to understand so I can help you," he prompted.

"As I said: depression is like you're drowning, but you can see everyone around you breathing. Just because I failed at this suicide attempt doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying or suddenly feel happier. You stopped me. If you wouldn't have been here, I would've succeeded. I didn't do it because I didn't want the last thing I saw to be you and your pain," I explained slowly. "There's a reason I attempted and it won't just go away. It's always there and it will never leave until I have successfully followed through. You can try your best to make me feel better, but I won't feel better until I'm dead, Luke."

"Ash, please, it takes time. Just let me, let us, help you," Luke begged, trying to choke back his tears. 

"I'm a hopeless cause, Luke. I'm too far gone," I responded. 

\----

I didn't know what time it was, but it was now dark out. Luke was still latched onto me like a leech, which didn't surprise me. I didn't expect him to leave my side, considering all that I had told him. I heard the telly from Cal and Mikey's room, which let me know it was a somewhat reasonable hour and that they were still awake. I wanted to go over and talk to them, especially Calum, so they would know that I was "okay", but Luke was holding onto me in such a ruthless grip that I would have to wake him up in order to move. 

Instead, I grabbed Luke's phone from the nightstand and pulled up a new text message to Calum. 

To: CalPal

It's Ashton. Can only you come over?

From: CalPal

Yes. 

Within ten seconds of receiving his response, the conjoining door was opening and a rough looking Calum entered. In all honesty, he looked like he'd been through Hell and back with his hair strewn everywhere and his puffy red eyes. I knew I was the cause of it and it made me feel even guiltier. 

He looked at Luke and I, but made no comment. He sat on Luke's bed and turned on the dim light. I saw his eyes well up with tears, in which I couldn't help but do the same. I reached out my hand, grabbing his and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Dammit, Ashton. Why?" he asked quietly, tears freely falling down his cheeks. I just shook my head. I wasn't ready to tell him. "Do you know how wrecked we've all been about you? You can't leave us, Ashton. You can't."

"I'm sorry, Calum," I responded, now crying as hard as he was.

"I love you. Michael loves you. Luke loves you," he continued.

"Don't ever do this again, please?" he begged. 

It hurt me to have seen all my best friends in anguish. Hell, it shattered me. But what they don't and will never understand is how unhappy I am being here and that they're making me suffer.

\----


	22. Too Much

**1 Week Later**

London, United Kingdom

"Ash, if you don't want to, you don't have to," Luke said, grabbing a water from the mini fridge. 

"God dammit, Luke, I said it was fine," I said, a little more angrier than I originally intended. 

Ever since I attempted suicide, Luke has been clinging to me and acting as if I was made of a brittle glass. It was sickening, if I'm honest. It isn't only him either; Calum and Michael have been acting the same, just not as clingy. At first, it was nice that they were caring for me like they were. It was comforting. But now, I wanted to knock them along the side of the head to get them to back the fuck off. The constant coddling was really overbearing. 

As of now, Cal had asked if we wanted to play Just Dance 2015 with him and Michael, in which I did, but I was also tired. We all were. But here was Luke, trying to act like I might have a higher risk of dying if I do join.

"Are you sure?" he asked, quieter than before. 

"Yes," I hissed, pushing past him into the other two's room. 

The two of them were already standing in front of the telly, dancing to Dark Horse, which was obviously Calum's choice. Calum looked at me, a sympathetic smile automatically forming on his face. All three of them seem to smile at me through sympathy or some shit like that as well. If my depression wasn't going to be the cause of my suicide, the way these fools are acting surely will be. 

"Hey, Ash," Calum breathed. "After we're done, you can dance against Mikey, since he's winning." 

"Great," I snorted, walking to the bed behind them and plopping myself down. Gee, I wonder why I get to go before Luke. 

The song finished and Cal turned around, handing me the blue Wii remote. I took it, getting up and took my place next to Michael. He put down his cup of water after taking a very large drink.

"You can pick the song, if you want," he panted. So unlike the old Michael. 

"We can do Pharrell," I suggested as Michael sifted over to Happy. "Be prepared to be beaten, Clifford." 

I switched to my player card, which was a guy in a sombraro, and Luke walked in, quickly glancing at Michael and then sent me a small smile as he walked behind me and sat next to Calum on the bed. 

"You can dance the winner, okay?" Michael said to Luke, in which I guessed he nodded. Mikey looked over to me. "Ready?" 

"It's my middle name," I responded. 

The song started and the both of us started dancing. I hadn't done this particular song; I've only watched Luke and Calum do it. So far, I was beating Michael, but not by much. Behind me, I heard Luke cheering me on, a smile evident in his voice. I chose this song to hopefully relay the message to him that I was happy, even if I was quite the opposite, and that it was okay to lay off. I know he won't get the message, but it's worth a try, eh?

I ended up beating Michael by a small amount and I could tell that he let me win. That's why playing this game wasn't that fun to me anymore. Michael gulped down the last of his water and then handed off his Mario Brothers Wii remote to Luke. If everything was the way it was before I attempted taking my life, then I would be excited and have some temporary happiness that I was dancing with my boyfriend. But now, I wasn't because I knew that he was purposely going to lose and let me win. Whoever I was going to play in this room was going to let me win. 

"Do you want to pick?" Luke asked. 

"I picked last time. I'll let you," I told him, giving him a look before he asked me to second guess myself. 

"Are you okay with Let It Go?" he asked.

"It's fine. You're going to let me win anyway, so I don't give a shit what we dance to," I jabbed. 

"What?" Luke answered, acting dumbfounded.

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I swear, all of you think I'm stupid because you think I don't catch on to what you're doing. I'm sick of being treated like I'm gong to break into a million pieces! You all seem to think that your 'babysitting' is doing me a favor and makes me feel loved when it actually makes me feel like I want to take a God damn 2x4 to your skulls!" I yelled, getting fearful looks from all three of them. "Just lay the fuck off! Stop coddling me like I'm a little kid! If anything pushes me to commit suicide, it's going to be because of you!" 

I threw the remote on the bed in front of Calum and went back into Luke and mine's room. I grabbed my phone, wallet, and a room key and took off out the door. I had no idea where I was going to end up, but I anted t get as far away from Luke, Calum, and Michael as I could. 

\----

I ended up sitting on a couch inside of Starbucks, my earbuds blocking out every outside noise as I sipped on my coffee. I didn't go on my phone other than to change the song if I didn't want to listen to it. I mainly just watched people walking by outside or people coming in and out of the establishment. A few snubby people gave me weird looks for just huddling in the corner of a couch, but I didn't really give half of a crap about them. If they had a problem with me, which they probably did anyway, then go right on ahead. I'm used to being hated and judged. 

The restaurant was starting to empty out and only a few people were left. None of the employees talked to me or dare come near me. The girl who was cleaning off the tables didn't even make an effort to come clean off the coffee table in front of me and that was full of crumbs that were certainly not mine. Was I that repulsive? Did I smell or something? I mean, I know I'm not the best looking in my stupid glasses or just in general, but I didn't think I was hit with the ugly stick that many times. 

Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned my head, looking back and expected to see an employee with a grimace on their face, but instead, I saw Luke. He looked tired, but he had a small smile on his face and it wasn't a sympathetic one. That's a first. 

"I figured you'd be here," Luke said after I took out my earbud. 

"How did you know that I would be here?" I asked. 

"Eh, I just know you," he said, his smile growing a tad. "Can I sit down?" 

"Yeah, go ahead," I said, moving my feet back so I was in a tighter ball than I already was. "So, why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk to you," Luke said, taking his seat. 

Before either of us could say anything more, a young teenage girl came rushing over with a pad of paper and a pen in her hands. "Could I get you anything, sir?" 

"I'll take a medium caramel light frappucino thingy. They're the cold shake thin-" Luke started.

"You mean the Blended Beverages?" I interrupted, pointing to the sign on the middle of the coffee table. 

Luke's cheeks flushed a light shade of crimson and he got an embarrassed smile. "What he said." 

"Alright. What will the name be?" the girl asked.

"Luke," he said simply. The girl's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. 

"You wouldn't happen to be Luke Hemmings from Five Seconds of Summer, would you?" she asked, her British accent growing to be really annoying. 

Luke looked at me, his once happy expression falling. He knew that his recognition made me feel like I was unwanted in the band, which I was. She would have asked if I was Ashton Irwin if she would've known who I was. I just looked away from him and back out the window. 

"Um, yeah, I am. This is Ashton Irwin, I'm sure you know," Luke said, making me look back at the two of them. I hoped that the girl would suddenly start fangirling over me, but she didn't. Instead, she got a confused expression. Of course. 

"I'm sorry, but who?" she asked sweetly. 

"He's the drummer for the band," Luke answered. I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes. I got up and took off with my coffee, just wanting to be alone again. "Ashton!" 

I just ignored him and kept walking away from the establishment and through the people on the sidewalk. I didn't get very far before Luke was grabbing onto my bicep, stopping me. "Get the hell off of me." 

"Ashton, come on. She isn't a true fan if she doesn't even know who the drummer is," he said, trying to get me to listen, but I know that people didn't like me that knew me and people who didn't know me didn't want to bother. "Ashton, I thought we were going to talk to each other. Boyfriends tell each other what's on their minds. We need to talk."

"I have nothing to say. Go back to your fangirl," I said, breaking free of his grip and continued walking down the sidewalk. 

\----


	23. Four Words

I didn't go back to the hotel at all. It's been three hours since I left Luke at Starbucks and all I've been doing is wandering around the town. I was "residing" in the Barnes & Noble reading area right now, drinking some hot chocolate and trying to read a random book that I pulled off the shelf, which happened to be a shitty and boring self improvement book. I would get up and get a different one like a normal person, but I didn't want to read. I wanted to just sit there alone and watch everyone else in their joyous lives.

The only reason I decided to come here was because I know Luke, Calum, or Michael would find me if they were out looking. They wouldn't bother looking in a book store because I barely ever picked up a book. Nobody even recognized me when they passed by, not that it surprised me. Teenage girls would walk by with a copy of Hey, Let's Make A Band! and they wouldn't look twice at me even though my God damn face is on the cover. I knew part of the reason was because I, Ashton Irwin that's supposed to have a punk rock persona, was spending my down time in a book store and I wasn't with the others. That was about two percent of the reason I wasn't being approached. The other 98 was because nobody knew nor cared about the lousy drummer.

Reluctantly, I slid my phone out of my pocket to check the time. I was sure that I would have oodles of missed calls, voicemails, and text messages from Luke, but I didn't see any reason to contact him back. I clicked on my iPhone, seeing that it was almost ten p.m. and the store would be closing soon. I was also proved right when there was 40 missed calls, 10 new voicemails, and 35 new text messages, none of which I was going to answer or look at.

I put the device back in my pocket, sighing and looking around the nearly deserted store. I had no idea where to go next, let alone what would be open on a Thursday night at this time. I didn't want to go back to the hotel because I didn't want to be confronted with Luke, Cal, or Mikey's interrogation. There was always clubs that would be open, but I didn't feel like drinking or being surrounded by clingy, sweaty drunks.

Slowly, I got up from my little ball in the uncomfortable chair and put the book on a random shelf and went out into the brisk London air. Part of me, a very small part of me, wanted to just go back and wrap myself in a blanket burrito in the semi-comfortable bed, but the majority of me wanted to let the boys sit and worry about where I was and whether I was dead or alive. That and I had no idea where the fuck I even was.

Aimlessly, I got back to walking on the dark and mainly empty sidewalks. I passed by a few pubs and clubs, debating whether or not to go in each time I passed them. Finally, after what felt like forever, I stumbled upon one of those 24 hour diners. It was like a blessing and miracle all at the same time.

\----

I decided that it was time for me to go back to the hotel when it was around 12:45 in the morning. I figured that the boys would be asleep by now and I could avoid them tonight. By the time I got outside of our hotel, it was around 1:15. That made me even more confident that I was the only member of 5 Seconds of Summer that was still awake.

Once I was at our door, I stuck the keycard in the slot and opened the door as quietly as I could, sneaking into the dark room. I saw a lump under the covers in Luke's bed and I let out a sigh of relief. I sneakily crawled into bed, removing the items from my pockets and set them on the nightstand. I took my glasses off and wrapped myself in the warm blankets, happy to finally be able to shut my eyes.

Just before I started to drift off, I heard what sounded like a lamp switch on. I opened my eyes, staying completely still, and hoped that Luke wasn't going to start yelling at me or something.

"Ashton," Luke said, his tone cool and even.

I didn't answer. Maybe if I pretended I was asleep, he would shut up and leave me alone.

"I know you're awake, so don't pretend that you aren't," he said, foiling my plan.

"Maybe I don't want to talk to you," I retorted, not turning over to look at him, but I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull.

"That's too bad because I'm going to talk to you," Luke said coldly.

"Talk all you want, but I'm not listening," I responded.

"God dammit, Ashton. I'm your damn boyfriend and we're supposed to be able to talk to each other, but you're not talking to me! I've been trying and trying to get through to you, but you won't let me in!" Luke started, his voice rigid.

I flipped over, figuring that I wasn't going to be able to ignore him if he was going to sit and yell at me. I grabbed my glasses from the nightstand and looked at him; I've never seen him this angry. His face was stone cold and looked like he was gritting his teeth.

"Do you know how frustrating it is for me to try and understand you if you won't tell me?! You tell me and tell me that I don't understand what's going on with you and I can't if I'm not told! I don't know what more there is that I can do!" he continued, his eyes started to hold sympathy, but his face still showed anger.

It was a painful sight that had me lost for words.

"Do you realize that I resisted every urge to continue chasing you?! I wanted so badly to chase after you and try and convince you not to run off, but I knew that you needed to be by yourself," Luke continued, his voice breaking and tears slowly fell down his cheeks. "And then you didn't answer your phone or come back. Do you know how worried I was? God dammit, I was fucking terrified! I didn't want to lose you, knowing that I could've saved you by just running after you. If you don't believe me, ask Calum and Michael. All three of us were scared to death, but I was beside myself. We even went out looking for you, but we had no idea where you would be. We were so God damn terrified."

Luke was full on crying now, which made me feel terrible. Not only that, but it pained me to see him so upset. It was a rare occasion to see Luke cry, and when he did, it was a truly heartbreaking sight. It was also heartbreaking when you know you're the cause of it.

"I came so close to losing you once and I vowed the moment I found you that I wouldn't let it happen again. I was going to take care of you as best I could. This afternoon when you walked off and told us to lay off, it scared me. I was on edge the entire day. I have been on edge the entire day. I still am. You have to understand that none of us have dealt with something like this before and we didn't know how to act!" he continued, his eyes puffy and red from how many tears he's already shed. "Are you even listening to a word I say or are you just laying there and staring at me?!"

I didn't respond. I was physically frozen and I didn't know why.

"God dammit, Ashton! You're so difficult to even get an answer out of!" he said, throwing his hands up in anger. He stood up, looking at me with his intense blue eyes. "I don't know why I love you, but I do and all I want is for you to be here and be happy and you're not letting me do it! I don't want to lose you! I am so God damn furious at you right now! How many times do I have to tell you that I'm here for you?! How many times do I have to tell you that my feelings for you are real?! Holy fuck, I LOVE YOU, ASHTON!"

This time around, I knew why I was speechless. Did Luke just say he loves me? Was I hearing him right?

I looked at him. His hair was in every direction there was, his eyes were puffy and red, he was panting...he looked frustrated. But I could tell that he meant it.

"I love you, Ashton," he repeated, his voice back to it's normal tone. He was looking at me with a softer expression.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, now sitting up in the bed. Luke came towards me and sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. He buried his face into the crook of my neck, a few warm stray tears hitting my shoulder. I returned his hug, squeezing him tight like he was doing to me.

"I love you, Luke."

\----


	24. Pressure

"Do you believe me now?" Luke asked, breaking free from our hug so he was looking at me. His cheeks had tear stains and his eyes were so puffy, it broke me. 

"Of course I believe you," I answered, almost inaudibly. 

A small, but sad, smile formed on Luke's face and his eye watered, which in return mad me cry and smile a little as well. He leaned forward quickly, connecting our lips. They moved in sync with each other wen I started kissing him back after overcoming the teeny bit of shock. It was a sweet, love-filled, close-mouthed, passionate, dreamy kiss that not even words could describe.

He broke away, our foreheads resting against each other and his hot breath tickled my bottom lip. "I really don't want to lose you, Ashton. You're my whole world."

His words brought tears to my eyes knowing that I was the sole cause of my boyfriend's pain. I tried to hold them in, bt one slipped down my cheek as I softly kissed Luke again.

"Can you lay w-with me?" I asked awkwardly. 

"Of course," he answered, leaning away from me.

I scootched over to the far side of the bed and Luke took my original spot. He grabbed my glasses off my nose and set them on the nightstand after he clicked off the light. Instead of being the little spoon, when he turned over, I forced him to lay on his back as I cuddled into his side, wrapping my arms around his torso and resting my head on his chest. He returned the favor by holding me in a loose hug, his warmth enveloping me.

Within minutes, I heard his breathing get slower and more even, a pretty good sign he was asleep. I closed my eyes and a small smile formed on my face.

This is definitely not how I expected this night to end.

\----

*4 Days Later*

"No! Go away! I want to cuddle with Lukey!" Calum growled at Michael, a pout on both of their faces. "You cuddle like a rock. Lukey's a teddy bear." 

Seeing Calum on Luke's lap, hanging on him like a monkey, was making me uncomfortable and rather jealous. Not that Calum or Michael knew that. As much as I wanted to come out and claim Luke as mine, I was too terrified to. I wasn't ready to tell them because I might lose my two best friends and I didn't want that. 

"Fine! I'll just cuddle with Ashy!" Mikey said as he plopped onto my lap, breaking me from my train of thought. When I didn't make any attempt to cuddle him back, his green eyes flicked to me. "Do you want me to get off?" 

"No, I was deep in thought and you scared me. You're fine, stay here," I responded quietly. 

I looked back up at Luke and Calum, wishing that I was Cal. Luke's bright blue eyes met mine and a warm smile tugged at his lips, in which I felt myself blush and look away as I smiled back. I felt a small fluttery feeling in my stomach every time Luke looked at me, kissed me, cuddled me...anything Luke did. It was a feeling I only felt once before and it didn't end well. I was hoping this round would be completely different. 

"Ashton is so much more cuddly than you, Calum. He makes me feel so warm and safe," Mikey said, trying to make Cal jealous, but unknowingly was making Luke. "Malum is no longer. I'm now shipping myself with Ashton because he's not a moody and tempermental bitch." 

Luke's eyes widened and his amused smile fell, his jealousy only apparent to me. I looked at Luke, trying to discreetly deny it. I was pretty sure he knew that Mash was not real, not romantically anyway, but maybe he was the type who could get insanely jealous and want to seek vengence on poor Michael. 

"Luke is much more nicer than you anyways," Calum said, sticking his tongue out.

"Calum, get your fat ass off of me. I have to piss," Luke interrupted, trying to push the Kiwi boy off of him, but failed. 

Calum huffed loudly and got off of my boyfriend's lap and Luke started walking in the direction of the toilets, secretly signaling me to follow. I waited a few seconds and started to nudge Mikey's bum. He looked at me funny as he lounged on my lap. 

"Can I help you? Please tell me you're not getting a hard-on," he said, an amused smirk forming on his face. 

I knew he didn't mean anything by it, but it's comments like that that make me scared to tell them about my sexuality. Would they continue to make those jokes, but would they make it offensive, knowing that I was gay?

"No," I answered flatly. 

He started laughing and then flicked my forehead. "I'm just joking. But if you did, I couldn't blame you."

I forced a laugh so he knew that I knew he was just joking. "I actually just want to change quick."

He nodded, quickly getting off of me. I went into Luke and I's room to grab a pair of sweatpants so they wouldn't get suspicious. When I went to close the door, I heard someone whisper my name, making me jump. The perks of sharing one suite with three other boys and having to sneak around. 

"Would you in here?" Luke whispered, waving me over. I quickly went to him and he looked at the pants in my hand. "Are you suggesting something or...?"

"No, you pervert! I told Michael I wanted to change," I told him. "What did you want to talk about?" 

Luke pushed me into the bathroom, locking the door behind us. He turned around, stepping towards me and grabbed my hands loosely. His eyes met mine, complete love and affection in them. Slowly, he pulled me towards him, pressing a kiss softly to my lips.

"Us," Luke mumbled, his warm breath on my chin. 

"U-us? What do you mean? W-what is there to talk about?" I stuttered, pulling back and looked at him fearfully. "Luke, please don't leave me." 

"I wouldn't dream of leaving you, Ash. Don't panic; it's nothing bad like that," he explaind, calming my speeding heart. 

"What is it then?" I asked.

"I want to know how you're doing with all of it," he told me, still holdin my hands.

"Fine, I guess? I love you, so..." I answered, my cheeks heating up. Though, I'm not quite sure if I knew where he was going with this. 

A small smile formed on his face. "Good. I love you too. How do you feel about telling...?" 

"C-coming out?" I stammered.

Luke nodded slowly, biting his bottom lip nervously. "We wouldn't have to come out to the entire world; just start with Calum and Mikey."

"W-why?" I asked, etting scared just thinking about the worst that could happen.

"Because I want to brag to them how much I love you," he said, sticking his bottom lip out, which was quite adorable. 

"But...why can't we stay like this? I'm happy this way," I told him, trying to talk him out of it. 

"I know, I do too," he said, pulling me into a hug. 

I'm at an extreme low in my life and now he wants me to come out with him. I can understand where he'd want to do it together and he's sick of sneaking around our two friends for the past however long, but I just couldn't do it. I had too many terrifying scenarios going through my head about it. 

We stood there in silence for a few minutes, Luke holding me with his chin resting on my shoulder. "You know we can't lie to them forever, right?" 

"Y-yeah," I said into his chest. 

"I'm not trying to be pushy, but they're going to get suspicious soon," Luke said.

I know he's right. I know our relationship wasn't going to be able to stay a secret forever, as much as I wanted it to. If I kept trying to keep us hidden, Luke would feel like I was ashamed of him (which I certainly am not) and he would leave me. I didn't want that, but I'm also certain that I'm not ready for anyone to know.

"Luke, I can't..." I squeaked, looking up into his vibrant blue irises. "I'm too scared."

"Ash, there's nothing to be scared about. I'll be right there with you," he said.

"Please, Luke, just no. I'm not ready yet," I begged. His face fell.

"I just want to be able to cuddle with you in front of them," he said, trying to hide his adorable pouty face. 

"Just give me a few days, okay?"

\----


	25. Out Like That [Part 1]

I know how bad Luke wants us to be "out" to Calum and Michael, which was understandable since they're our best friends and we're sick of having to continue to lie to them. But I just didn't know if I was ready to take that big step. I knew they were already disappointed and judging me because of my suicide attempt and depression, even if they didn't show it. This would give them more reason to. 

I'd been purposely avoiding Luke all day and last night because it's "been a few days" and I still wasn't even close to ready to come out. I didn't want Luke to be mad at me, so I figured the best way to avoid conflict would be to avoid him. I kept hanging around Michael, trying to get myself comfortable enough to tell him, but I just couldn't. He's one of the most laid-back, nonjudgmental people I know and I can't even talk to him. I thought it would be easier to tell Mikey because of that and I'm more comfortable with talking to him about certain sensitive topics. But I was so wrong.

"Ash, are you doin' okay? You're zoning," the red haired boy asked after his video game character died.

"Y-yeah. I was just lost in my thoughts," I stammered. 

"Is that a good thing?" Michael asked, a look of concern spreading across his face. 

"Um, well, I don't know," I said, fumbling my words, not sure of what to say. 

Mikey quirked his eyebrow. "Should I be worried?" 

I quickly shook my head. "No! It's...fine."

"Are you sure?" he wondered. "You know you can tell me what's on your mind, right?" 

"Yeah..." I trailed off, wanting so badly to just blurt it out, but I physically could not get myself to say the words 'I'm gay'. 

"Ashton? Are you sure you're okay? You look like you're about to throw up," Mikey said, setting down his game controller. 

"I..." I started, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I'm..."

"What? Do you need help? Do I need to call an ambulance or something?!" Michael panicked. 

"No. I...I need to tell you something," I exhaled, looking at Michael, with a serious expression. 

"Go ahead," he encouraged, almost nervous. 

"I'm...I'm gay," I finally said, quickly looking away from him and then back to the boy's green eyes. 

All in all, Michael looked shocked, but not mouth-dropped shock. He wasn't saying anything and I stood up, about to run off and go find Luke or just run away for awhile, but was stopped by Michael grabbing my sweater sleeve. I expected the look in his eyes to be hateful and full of disappointment, but they weren't; they were expressionless, but soft. 

"I know you probably are disgusted and want me out of the band. I'll quit, just let me finish out the tour, please," I told him, trying to hold in my tears. 

"Why would I want you out of the band? And why would I be disgusted? It's not like you're going to molest me in my sleep," he said, a bit of a chuckle at the last part. I sat back down, awaiting what he was going to tell me. "I don't care if you're gay, Ash. You're my best friend and I love you no matter what. So you have a liking for dicks; I have an obsession with boobs. It's fine with me, Ashton. I don't think any different of you. I just know not to get you female strippers or a boob pillow for your birthday." 

The corners of my mouth tugged into a smile, a feeling of relief washing over me. "Thanks, Michael." 

He pulled me tightly into a hug, making me feel better about being out to at least one person and having him not hate me or think I'm disgusting. But then I remembered that I didn't tell him everything. I didn't tell him about Luke and I dating. Was I supposed to? Was I supposed to wait until I told Calum too? 

I brushed it off and went back to watching Michael resume his video game. I felt like a small weight was lifted off of my shoulders, which felt great. It made me happy that Michael seemed to be accepting me; I felt a small bout of confidence wash over me. I haven't felt that for years. 

\----

Calum came into the room, which meant that Luke was back as well. I got up from the bed, getting a holy-shit look from Michael and a questioning look from Calum, but I didn't care because I was so excited to tell Luke what happened. He was going to be so proud of me and I couldn't wait to see the look on his beautiful face. 

When I got into the small bedroom and closed the door, I didn't see my boyfriend anywhere, which was weird. I got a bit panicky, wondering where he could be. "Luke?"

There wasn't any movement, so I started to turn around to go back into the other room to ask Calum where Luke was, but the door to the bathroom opened and stopped me.

"Yo," Luke said, flipping the lightswitch. "Fancy seeing you here."

"Hi!" I said, a big grin forming on my face, nearly bouncing out of my shoes. 

"What are you so giddy about?" he asked with a playful smile on his face as he closed the door and started making his way towards me. "I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages and when I do, you're all happy and excited. What's going on?"

"You're going to be so proud of me, Lukey," I said, wanting to keep in suspense a bit longer. 

"What? Did you finally get Michael to go out and socialize with actual people?" he chuckled.

I quickly shook my head, my dorky smile still on my face. "I told Michael."

"What?" Luke questioned, looking confused.

"I came out to Michael!" I said, throwing my arms around Luke, instantly feeling him hug me back. 

"Oh my God, Ash! That's great!" he said, pressing kisses on my neck. "I knew you could do it!" 

"I couldn't have done it without you, Luke." 

\----


	26. Out Like That [Part 2]

The overwhelming sense of self-confidence went away faster than I preferred. I was all ready to go tell Calum a few hours after I told Michael, but I just lost all my balls and got cold feet. I told Luke and began crying, thinking he would be upset with me, but he just held me and told me that it was okay and that he would try and help me gain the confidence again. 

That's why I'm out with Calum at some restaurant. Luke set it up and used the excuse that he and Michael needed to have some bro-time. I felt awkward knowing that the whole reason Calum and I were having bro-time was because I wasn't doing this as bonding time like he thought, but to tell him that I was gay. 

"So...how are you feeling?" Calum asked, fidgeting awkwardly. 

"Um, okay, I guess. I have my moments. There's a few things on my chest that need to get off, but other than that, okay," I answered, hoping to gain some balls off of my subtle hinting, but I still was terrified. 

"What do you need to get off your chest? Anything I can help you with?" Calum asked, looking like he seriously wanted to help me. If only he knew.

"Well, the only thing you'd be able to do is listen...and not hate me for it," I said, doing everything I could to avert eye contact with him. 

"Hate you? How could I possibly hate you? You're my little sunshine," Calum chuckled. 

"Because what I want to tell you has the power to change your mind," I told him quietly, causing him to furrow his brow.

"Ashton, what's going on?" he asked, much more serious this time. 

I took a gulp and looked down at the table, feeling his eyes burn into my skull. "I-"

"You're gay," he blurted.

I quickly looked up at him, cocking my head to the side. "H-huh?"

"Is that what you were going to tell me...? Oh my God, if that wasn't it, Ashton, I'm so-" Calum started, his brown eyes widening.

"N-no, you're right," I stammered and then watched his frantic expression fade into a blank one. "I'm g-gay." 

"Okay."

"O-okay?" I questioned, scared for the next answer I was going to get.

"I'm not starting a Fault In Our Stars thing," he smirked. "Nice attempt though."

"Are you mad?" I asked quietly, wanting to know if one of my best friends hated me. 

"No," he said, looking at me like I was crazy. "Should I be?"

"No, but I thought you would be," I mumbled.

Calum put his hand on my forearm gently. "Look at me, Irwin. You're still my little sunshine, gay or not. I still love the fuck out of you, gay or not."

"Thanks, Calum," I smiled. 

"Do the others know?" he asked.

Michael, yes. Luke...he knows more than you think he does.

"Yeah," I said quietly.

"I'm glad you told me. It's not good to keep something like that to yourself," he smiled. "Can I have a hug?" 

"Of course," I agreed, scooting myself over as he wrapped his arms around me. 

"So...is there any cuties trying to take my sunshine away? Because if that's the case, I might have to do some major ass whoopin'," he joked. "No, no, I'm kidding. Just some heavy stalking." 

I chuckled, contemplating whether or not I should tell him about Luke. I still wasn't sure what Luke wanted to do about that, considering I wasn't sure if Luke came out to them or not. I didn't want to be the one to out him if he didn't want to or wasn't ready. Doing that might make me lose my boyfriend and I didn't want that. I couldn't have that happen. 

"Well, there is one..." I trailed, sneaking my phone under the table and bringing up a message to Luke. I would just ask him if it was okay. I wanted to tell someone about us.

"Oh? What's this sexy motherfucker look like? Is he tall, tan and handsome?" he asked, a playful smile on his face. 

"You've got two out of three right," I said, feeling a blush creep its way onto my cheeks. 

"Tell me about him. I need to know exactly who's stolen your heart and whether they're worth it," he pressed, setting his face on his hands.

"He's tall, funny and cute," I said, feeling my phone buzz in my hand. I glanced down, feeling my heart flutter and nerves fill me once again.

From Lukey Bear 

go ahead and tell him babe. :-)

"That's all? Come on, there's gotta be more," he urged.

"He's tall, like really super tall. He's really talented with a really nice voice. He can be awkward but he's funny once you get to know him. He's a huge fan of skinny jeans like me," I said, smiling wider and wider as I described Luke. "His eyes...his eyes are so blue and beautiful. They're like the ocean and I'm lost out at sea..."

"Okay, you're scaring me, Ash. I thought you would top in the relationship," Calum said, interrupting my lovesick trance. "Does Dr. Dreamy have a name?"

"Luke."

Calum's eyes widened a little, but he didn't make the shock look noticeable. He probably wasn't sure if I was talking about our Luke or a different one. "Luke...? Luke who? Do I know him?"

"Hemmings."

"Wait, wait, wait, Luke Hemmings? As in, Luke Robert Hemmings who is having bro-time with Michael Gordon Clifford and is also our best friend?" he asked, clearly disbelieved. 

"Y-yeah," I stammered, scared that he was going to be mad. 

"You have a crush on Luke?" he asked, his face turning sad. 

"You do, don't you?" I said, feeling my heart quicken and my hands starting to get clammy. 

"No, I just don't want you to have your heart broken," he started. "Luke is straight, you know?"

"Well, I would certainly hope my boyfriend isn't straight," I said, causing Calum to become confused.

"Wait, what? You're not dating Luke, are you?" he asked. I nodded quickly. "What?! For how long?!" 

"A few months..." I said cautiously.

"And he didn't tell me?! Neither of you told me?!" he said, his voice rising. "You know, that makes a lot of sense. The Lashton-Malum arrangements, Luke being so protective of you..."

I smiled, happy that he wasn't mad about his two best friends being in a relationship. "We tried to hide as best we could, but it was kind of hard. Niall knows."

"Niall even knows?" Calum questioned. 

"Yeah, not by choice. He kind of walked in on us snogging in the their dressing rooms that time..." I told him. 

"So, my best friends are gay, in a relationship with each other, and are fucking adorable together. My favorite ship finally happened."

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was also inspired by my bae, Troye Sivan's coming out video. :)


	27. Free Drinks

Calum and I were going to meet Michael and Luke at a bar and grill a few blocks from the hotel. I told him that Michael didn't know Luke and I were together yet and that it should be Luke and I to tell him instead of Calum just blurting it out when we got to the restaurant. I was actually excited to be going out in public for the first time in what felt like forever, and to add to the joy, I was going to be able to discreetly display my affection to my boyfriend in front of Calum and Michael. That weight was lifted off of my shoulders and it made me feel really happy. I actually felt more happy about it than I originally thought I would've. 

I felt a vibration in my pocket as I looked out the window of the cab that was taking us to the restaurant. I took out my phone, smiling when I saw that it was Luke sending me a kissy face emoji.

"I'm going to guess that's your sugar daddy?" Calum asked with a smirk and a wiggle of his eyebrows.

"If anything, I'm his sugar daddy. I'm like two years older than him," I laughed, quickly sending a heart eyes emoji and heart back to him. 

"Okay, fine, is that your sugar baby?" he asked, rolling his eyes. 

"Yes, yes it is," I answered, chuckling at him.

"You had a dorky smile on your face. Did he send you nudes? If he did, I'm going to tell Liz," Calum threatened. 

"No! He didn't send nudes, you twisted fucker!" I denied, laughing with Calum. I glanced up, seeing the old cab driver giving us a weird look, but strangely, I didn't care and thought that he was just a stupid old man who must not understand what it's like to be so in love with someone. 

"Don't tell me he just sent you some corny shit," he said. I didn't respond, trying to keep a straight face, but I smiled at him, earning another large eye roll from him. "Oh, good God. You're turning into a girl. I'm going to have to have a chat with Luke because he's bringing out your inner female."

"I can assure you that I'm not turning you into a girl. You would be the same way, don't deny it," I said, smiling at the Kiwi boy. 

"And I can assure you that I would not be drooling like a teenage girl if Luke sent me a cheesy and 'romantic' texts, I would be extremely concerned because he should be sending you that shit," Calum retorted. 

Before I could say anything, we pulled up to the restaurant. My stomach instantly got butterflies and I couldn't help but smile, knowing that my boyfriend was in there and that we were finally going to tell Michael and then I wouldn't have to lie to them about my sexuality anymore, which was a huge weight off of my shoulders. We got out of the taxi and I tried my best not to run into the establishment. I could hear Calum snickering from behind me, probably amused at how much I am acting like a lovesick teenage girl. 

"Good lord, Ashton. I don't think I have ever seen you like this. Frankly, I'm scared," Calum chuckled as we went towards the 'Please Wait To Be Seated' sign. 

"Sorry..." I apologized, feeling my cheeks heat up and a small smile formed on my face. I can't help how much I love my boyfriend, especially now that we're out to our two best friends. It's like the honeymoon stage couples get when they first start dating, even if we have been dating for a while. 

"Good evening. Is there just two in your party?" the young waiter asked, holding two menus in his hand. 

"No, we're actually meeting two other lads here. One is about as tall as a giraffe, the other has crazy colored hair," Calum described to him. 

The waiter quickly scanned the restaurant, nodding. "I believe I found who you're looking for." 

We followed him to the corner booth on the other side of the restaurant, Michael's now blue hair sticking up over the back. I looked at Luke, seeing that he was smiling at me, in which I blushed and looked down at the floor. Calum slid in by Michael and I slid in by Luke, accidentally putting my hand on top of his. Instead of taking it away out of embarrassment, I nonchalantly just moved it onto my thigh, as if it never happened, but Luke took it and tangled our fingers together. I looked up from our hands and he had a loving look on his face, making me respond with a wider smile than I already had. 

"Okay, why are you guys looking at each other like your each other's dream date?" Michael asked, not even aware that he hit it right on the head.

"Because that's what we are. At least, that's what Ashton is to me. I hope it's the same for him," Luke said, looking over at me with a slight laugh and squeezed my hand. 

"Wait, wait, wait...you guys are dating?" Michael asked, a look of confusion on his face.

"Yes, we are," Luke said confidently, putting our intertwined hands on the table. 

"Oh my God. Is this recent? How come you didn't tell us?" Mikey asked.

"I hate to tell you, but I already knew. Ash told me," Calum giggled.

"How come Michael is the last to know?!" he asked, throwing up his arms as he tried to be all dramatic. 

"Because it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing when I told Calum, which was this afternoon," I told him. 

"Well, I approve because you're all adorable and shit," Michael said with a smile, a look of approval on his face. "I'm going to buy you both drinks, okay?"

"Ahem, what about me?" Calum said, looking at the now blue haired boy. 

"You aren't in a cute as fuck relationship, now are you?" Michael retorted.

"Well, I could if you would just give in and have sex with me," Calum smirked, making Michael's cheeks turn a light rosy pink.

"You never asked," he responded cheekily.

"Well, I'm asking now," the Kiwi boy smirked, scooting closer to Michael so there faces were only inches apart.

"Okay, let's order some onion rings, yeah?" Luke said, quickly changing the subject and started waving down the waiter.

\----


	28. A Party Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Rated R stuff later on. Not technically smut, but it's sexual.   
> So you little kiddies better not show your mother. XD

"Are we the only people you've told?" Calum asked, eating a buffalo wing. Luke and I nodded. 

"When are you going to tell the fans? Or are you even going to tell them?" Michael asked, his green eyes bouncing between Luke and I.

"We'll probably tell them sometime, not sure when. Whenever we're completely ready, I guess. It's harder than telling you guys because, well, we're making ourselves vulnerable in front of the whole world," Luke told them.

A huge feeling of relief came over me, thanking God that Luke wasn't going to be pushing me to get all public about it right away. That's probably the last thing I wanted right now; I wasn't in the state of mind to take all the haters I would gain. That's another thing I'm fearing with this whole thing; haters. I already had so many of them that I can't even fathom how many I'm going to have once Luke and I do come out. It would be like school all over again with the name-calling and constant harrassment. Not to mention the depression that comes with it. 

"Ash? Earth to Ashton Irwin," Michael was saying through cupped hands, knocking me out of my trance. 

"Yes?" I answered. 

"Alex called and he invited us to their afterparty. You want to come?" Luke asked. 

"Uh, sure, I guess," I answered uneasily. I wasn't a huge party type of guy.

"Ashton, are you okay? If you don't want to go, you don't have to," Luke double checked, his blue eyes sparkling. 

"No, no, it's fine. I want to go," I reassured. 

\----

It was about eleven-thirty when we got to where the party was and it was right after their concert, so there were All Time Low fans strewing about the streets which made it nearly impossible to get around. I hadn't really bargained on staying up really late tonight, or socializing really, so I hoped that Luke was feeling the same and would just hang around with me instead of following in Mikey and Calum's footsteps by getting drunk off their asses. 

When we got in, everyone was dancing and having a kickass time and I was certainly not in the mood to be there. I mean, I was happy I get to see Alex, Jack, Zack, and Rian, but I just was not in the partying mood. I haven't been for months. I felt like I just wanted to go into a corner and be all by myself like an anti-social person. 

"Ash, are you sure you want to be here?" Luke asked, squeezing my hand. I looked around for Michael and Calum, but they were already getting drinks. Shocker. "Because if you want to go back to the hotel, it's alright. I'll go with you."

"No, Luke. I told you I wanted to come," I lied, hoping he couldn't tell.

"Okay. Just tell me if you want to leave," he said, a small smile forming on his face. "Do you want anything to drink?" 

"Not right now. I'll get it later," I told him.

"I'm going to go get a beer and I'll be right back, okay?" he said, which I just nodded in agreeance to. 

I did as I was told and stayed right where I was, not wanting to lose Luke. I saw Michael and Calum, both of them dancing and downing their drinks. I just rolled my eyes, not surprised at their behavior. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my arm, so I turned, thinking it was Luke, but it was Rian. 

"Hey, Ash!" he greeted, excited to see me and obviously had a small buzz going. "You look like you don't wanna be here. Do you need a drink?" 

"No, Luke just told me to wait here until he got back," I told him with a small smile.

"The other guys are here too?! Bro, since when were you guys even in London?" he asked, his drunk mind completely blown. 

"Since our tour brought us here," I told him, a small chuckle.

"Luke!" Rian yelled as Luke came over.

"Hey, Rian," Luke said, appearing next to me.

"Dude, I gotta show you something," Rian said, grabbing Luke's arm and started to pull him away. 

"What about Ash?" Luke asked him, making Rian stop in his tracks.

"You'll survive, won't you, Ashy? I won't keep him too long," Rian slurred.

"Go ahead. I'll be fine, Luke," I told them with a small smile, waving the two off. I know Luke wasn't wanting to leave me, but I knew that he wasn't going to let Rian take him away from me too long, so I wasn't that worried about it. 

I stood there awkwardly for a minute, not sure what to do or who to talk to. I would've gone over to Michael and Calum, but they would accuse me of being a buzzkill because I wouldn't be drinking excessively like them. Shrugging, I figured I might as well just get a drink so I had something to do with my hands. I went over to the bar, ordering a beer and getting a few looks from overly flirtatious women, making me have to try my hardest not to cringe at them. 

I walked over to a high table that nobody was at nor around and climbed onto the high top chair, looking out at the dance floor filled with insanely drunk young people grinding and nearly having sex with each other. I wanted Luke to be with me because I felt so out of place and uncomfortable here. I just wasn't in the mood for partying. At first, I thought it would be good to see the ATL guys, but I knew that if Rian was already drunk, the others weren't far behind him and it just diminished the bright side of coming here in the first place. 

There was a voice in my head telling me that I was becoming an old, no fun adult, which is not what I wanted to be. I knew I was that no fun, boring twenty year old tonight, but I realized I was that way whenever Calum and Mikey had invited me out, I always said no. That's been for the past however many months. Was I really turning into that boring prude? 

Making me jump again, I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was Jack with some blonde girl that looked very wasted, a lot like him. "Hey, Jack."

"Hey there, sexy," he slurred, winking. "I brought you a gift."

"And what would that be?" I asked, not really looking forward to this present. 

"My friend here. Her name is...what's your name, babe?" he asked.

"Angel," the blonde bimbo giggled. 

"My friend, Angel. I met her on the dance floor and then Alex told me that you boys were coming and she reminded me of you, so I thought you two would like to aquaint yourselves," he said, taking a long drink of his Mike's Hard. 

"Oh, Jack, I'm actually wa-"

"Have fun, kids. I'm sure you will," Jack said, leaving the drunken blonde and stumbled away. 

I didn't want to be near this chick. She smelled horrid, like a combination of puke and alcohol. Not to mention that she looked fake as fuck. It was obvious that she dyed her hair even more platinum blonde than it already was, almost like she was trying to fill the dumb blonde stereotype. Her smudged make up was literally caked on and was like she let a five year old do it. Her boobs were very obviously fake, her dress was way too tight...she just looked so fake and disgusting that I had to once again try not to cringe. 

"You're in a band?" she asked, her voice squeaky and annoying like the Kardashians. 

"Yeah. I'm the drummer," I told her, not wanting to talk to her.

"I heard a rumor that drummers are rougher in bed. Are you going to fuck me hard tonight then?" she asked, her annoying giggle filling my ears. She had her finger on her lip, trying to make herself look sexy when all she did was make herself look like an idiot. 

"Um, no. I'm not going to fuck you at all," I told her. 

"You're going to finger me then?" she asked.

"No."

"Eat me? I like it when boys eat me," she said, attempting to sound seductive.

"No. I'm not going to do anything," I told her, knowing that it wasn't going to go through her stupid brain.

"So I'm going to be doing all of the work? I love blow jobs, don't worry," Angel giggled. 

"No! Neither of us are doing sexual! At least with each other," I told her.

"You're going to make me watch you wank off? Can I catch it when you cum?" she giggled. I take it that was her attempt at trying to turn me on.

"No! Just stop! I'm not having sex with you and you're not having sex with me!" I yelled at her, making her look at me confused.

"Then what are we doing? You're confusing me, Ashy," she said again, trying to bite her lip in a sexy way, but it really was not working for her. "I'm really good at blowing, I promise."

"I'm gay, God dammit!" I finally said.

"So you'd be into a threesome?" Angel asked, clearly not getting it.

"No!" 

I got off of the chair and before I could walk away, her disgusting lips were against mine. I didn't kiss back for the simple reason that I would be cheating and she also tasted fucking disgusting. Her lipgloss along with alcohol and puke...I was trying my best not to dry heave right there. She continued to move her lips against mine in attempt for me to kiss her back, her hand holding my head in place tightly so it was impossible for me to get away. She was much stronger than I had originally given her credit for. 

"Ashton?!" 

Finally, Angel's disgusting mouth let up and I pulled away as fast as I could to see who was yelling my name. I looked to the voice and saw Luke standing there, the most shattered and heartbroken look on his face. My heart dropped into my stomach and I pushed Angel's fake body off of me as I walked towards him, only to have him run away from me into the crowd of drunks. I would've tried to run after him, but I just couldn't spot him or get through fast enough to catch up with him.

I stood there, looking at the huge crowd as tears formed in my eyes and carelessly dripped down my cheeks. My heart was in my stomach, shattered into a million pieces, knowing that Luke thought I had cheated on him when really, I was trying to get away from the blonde away from me the entire time so I could prevent something like this from happening. 

Plan backfired. 

\----


	29. Don't Want To Be Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some triggering events towards the very end of the chapter.

I pushed past people to get out of the club so I could hear myself think. Tears were falling more and more rapidly down my face as I kept seeing Luke's heartbroken face in my mind. He probably hated me so much right now, adding to the never ending list of haters. 

The banging of the music from inside of the club was still pretty loud, but I could actually hear myself think out here. I leaned back against the brick wall, letting the tears fall freely. Part of me was angry at Jack for even bringing Angel over to me. But the majority of me was furious with myself for even bothering to acknowledge her and letting it happen in the first place. Because of my stupidity, I may have lost my boyfriend for good and I needed him more than anything. 

When I calmed down for the most part, I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed Luke's number, hoping to God that he would answer. All I needed was to talk to him and explain myself so he wouldn't completely hate me like he did. I couldn't have him hate me. He was the only thing that I wanted to live for. 

"Hey, it's Hemmo. Leave a message," Luke's voicemail answered, making me curse and cry harder.

"Luke, p-please, it w-wasn't what it l-looked like. P-Please, just l-let me explain," I said, trying to be somewhat audible. 

I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes with the heel of my hands. I didn't know what to do or where to go, but I did know that I didn't want to go back in that damn club. I wanted to find Luke. That's all I wanted to do, but I didn't know where to go in order to do that. The only place I could think of that Luke might go is back to the hotel, but it wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't there. 

I wiped my eyes again and got up from my squatting position, walking around the building to the front. There was a good line of people formed, waiting to get in. I stood on the curb, sticking out my arm in attempt to flag down a cab. One pulled up and before it could stop, I was already halfway in the backseat. 

"Where are we headed, mate?" the middle aged man asked, looking back at me like I was some drunk that he usually ended up picking up. 

"The Four Seasons hotel," I told him.

I was tapping both of my feet for the entire ride out of nerves and anxiety. I knew that when I found Luke, he was going to be so furious with me. He would most likely break up with me, which I expected him to do eventually anyway. I was too much of a mess for him, so at least he had a reason to get rid of me now. 

We pulled up in front of the hotel and I felt my heart race faster and faster. "Wait for me. Please." 

Once I got up to the room, I shoved the key in and pushed open the door, hoping to see Luke trashing the room or something. But instead, I was greeted with pure darkness. I turned on the main light, just to check in all of the rooms to make sure that he wasn't purposely hiding on me. But they were all dark and empty. I was the only one occupying the 5SOS suite. 

I started to hyperventalate and then started crying again. It was my fault this happened. I let Angel kiss me. I could have pulled back, but I was dumb and didn't. I don't even know why I didn't. I'm for sure gay and love Luke. I'm a terrible boyfriend. I don't deserve someone as genuine and loving as Luke Hemmings. 

\----

I was sitting on my bed, still the only one in the hotel room. It had been at least three hours since I had gotten home. I called Luke at least fifty times, each time getting the voicemail. I was just sitting there, crying, calling, and watching the clock tick by as I waited and waited for my boyfriend- or ex boyfriend- to come back. 

My wrists and thighs were aching to be scratched, but I was trying my hardest not to. I had to try and stay strong, for Luke. Though, it was getting to the point where the overwhelming urge was getting too much. If Luke didnt come back or call or something soon, I was going to be on the bathroom floor with blood dripping down my arms. 

As I blinked away the tears, my phone beeped with a text. I nearly fell off the bed as I grabbed it off of the nightstand. What if it was Luke? Did he want to talk to me? Was he breaking up with me or was he going to let me talk? Please, God, let this be Luke. 

But no. Much to my demise, it was Calum. I read the text, his text signifying that he was obviously drunk. It made me cringe that he only wanted to know where I was probably because Michael ditched him. I deleted the message and threw the phone across the bed. The only thing I was even good for anymore was drumming in a damn band and being there for my drunk friend when his ditches him for a girl or something. I wasn't even good enough for Luke. I messed up. That's all I ever fucking do.

I opened the drawer to the nightstand, grabbing out the small box that I had hidden in the back of it. I grabbed it and went into the bathroom, hot tears falling fastly down my face. I took a seat on the floor and positioned the silver blade over the scars on my wrist. 

I was alone. This is how it's going to be from now on all because of that damn girl that I didn't even want. Michael was going to be with Calum, Luke wasn't going to talk to me ever again...it's what I deserved. I'm just a waste of space. I deserved to be alone, as much as I didn't want to be. I'm not good for anything. 

"Ashton?! Oh my God, Ashton, what are you doing?" a familiar sweet male voice said. I looked up through my tears and saw Luke rushing into the small bathroom, kneeling down next to me. "God dammit, Ash. Please, stop. Give me the razor, please. I'm begging you." 

I was full on bawling, not able to speak or do anything but just cry until my heart's content. I felt Luke trying to open my hand to get my razor out. Normally, I wouldn't have let him but it was like all of my muscles went limp. He got the razor out of my hand and then I felt him pulling me into a hug, despite the fifteen bleeding cuts on my arm. 

"L-Luke, d-don't hate m-me. P-please."

\----


	30. Old Shell

"Ash, what the hell are you doing?" Luke asked, sounding surprised that he would find me with blood running down my arms after everything that happened. 

"Y-you hate m-me," I mustered out through my sobs. He didn't answer, just like I expected. "I-I didn't c-cheat on y-you, L-Luke."

"We need to clean you up,: he said, ignoring what I had said. He let me go and I heard the clink of the metal razor on the counter. "C'mon, Ashton."

Instead of getting up, I just curled up into the fetal position. I wasn't trying to spite him, I just couldn't stop or help but cry. Despite what it looked like at the moment, I knew that Luke now hated me and my existence. The boy who had been my everything just hours ago now looked at me as an overdramatic crybaby who just wanted to kill himself over something that I supposedly did. He was probably waiting for my next attempt. Except this time, he wouldn't stop me.

My arm was pulled away from my legs and a wet cloth was placed over my stinging cuts. I just cried more from the pain as Luke gently dabbed away he trickling blood. He was just doing this because it was the right thing to do and that's just what Luke does. If he could help it, I'm sure he would've just let me cry and bleed out in here. It would've been beneficial to everyone if he would've. 

"Do you have bandages or anything?" he asked quietly.

"S-Suitcase," I stammered. 

He walked out of the bathroom, leaving me alone with the little thing that could do so much more damage in the short amount of time that he was going to be gone. If I hurried and did the suicide cuts, then he wouldn't have to do anyhing except clean up the mess and call the ambulance to come get my dead body. 

But before I could reach up to get the razor, the beautiful blonde came back with the brand new roll of gaus wrap that I had bought before we left for the tour. I blinked away the tears and watched as he gently wrapped the white bandage tightly around the deep cuts. I looked up at his face, a concentrated expression on it as he focused. But as I looked closer, I saw that he had tears in his eyes. It was probably my imagination wanting to believe that he still cared about me, but I knew better than that.

His blue eyes flicked to mine. "Ashton, you need to stop."

"W-why? I-I'm not hurting anyone. I-If anything, I-I feel b-better," I responded. "N-nobody cares a-anyway."

"You're just telling yourself that. You're hurting everyone who loves you each time you do it. What if Calum and Michael knew you were doing this? What if they knew you said that they didn't care? You're wrong with that assumption. Those two love you like a brother," Luke said, scolding me and making me feel like a disobedient little kid. 

"A-and you? W-what about y-you?" I asked, knowing what answer I was or wasn't going to get.

"What about me?" he asked, trying to play dumb.

"C-Calum and M-Michael would hurt if they knew. What about you? From what you're saying and how you're saying it, it's like you don't give two shits in Hell about me. You didn't even give me a chance to explain and you're already writing me off," I said, sounding more angry than I had meant.

"That's because it was pretty self-explanatory," he snapped.

"Luke, I wasn't cheating on you! I could never do that, especially to you! You should know that," I yelled, trying to get him to believe that I was telling the truth.

"Ashton, save it. Don't give me this schpeel that I mean everything to you because I know that isn't true. We're done. It's not going to go anywhere anyway and both of us would just end up hurt in the end," Luke said, an edge in his voice. 

"How do you explain these then?" I asked, my voice shaky.

"Guilt that you made the decision to do it? Or maybe because I caught you? I shouldn't have to explain the reason you sliced up your arms. That's your own dumb decision," Luke said, leaving the room.

\----

I went to bed when I figured Luke would be asleep, not wanting to see him and feel the urge to yell at him or something. I knew he didn't want to discuss it anymore and that he already made up his mind about us.

As I lowered myself underneath the covers, I felt like I was just going back into a shell of my old self. I was back to hating myself even more so, suicide thoughts taking up the majority of my brain again. It was even worse because I lost Luke, the boy who gave me a reason to want to wake up in the morning, to get better. Now I was nothing. I lost my rock.

I knew that I wasn't going to sleep well or at all, considering the circumstances and I was at that point where I had stayed up long enough that I was just awake. I rolled over onto my side, looking over at Luke, who was snuggled into the blanket and fast asleep. He was so adorable when he slept. His head was down and it meant he was cuddling himself. A tear found its way down my cheek as I watched the blonde sleep. I felt like Luke should be cuddling me like he usually did, not himself. All I wanted was for Luke to believe me and not hate me like everyone else in this Godforesaken world.

Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to be so worthless and fucked up? If I wasn't such a mess, Luke probably would've listened to me and this wouldn't be a reason for him to break up with me. I knew he was wanting to break up for a while because I had so much baggage. I didn't blame him. Who wants to date someone that's such a mess? He could do so much better than me. I ruined his life and he didn't deserve that. He was so much happier before we got together and he slowly lost his signature spark. All because of me. I ruined him.

Quietly, I got up and walked through the dark suite to the wide window. I looked out at the London cityscape, the golden lights on buildings twinkling brightly against the pitch black sky. It was peaceful and that's what I wanted to be at the moment. All I needed right now was for my mind to be at peace for at least five minutes. I could back and continue slitting my wrists as my release, but that would be too much and I just wanted to be at ease for once. 

A few minutes later, I pulled up one of the desk chairs and sat down, staring out at the unchanging scenery. It was kind of like my ledge back home; everything felt like it was stopped and it was a small escape from reality. 

"Ashy, what are you doing up? It's, like, three in the morning."

I looked back over my shoulder to see Calum kicking off his shoes and walk over towards me. I took in his overall appearance; his hair was tousled and messy, his flannel shirt lazily thrown on, and he had glitter stuck to his tan skin. It was pretty obvious that he had been out partying, but surprisingly, he didn't look drunk like he usually did after a night out.

"Where's Michael?" I asked him.

"He didn't want to come back when I did. Don't worry, Alex said he'll keep an eye on him and send him here in the morning," he told me. "You didn't answer my question."

"Why aren't you all giggly and annoying like you usually are when you're drunk?" I asked.

"I didn't drink as much as usual tonight. I wasn't feeling it," he replied.

"Your text told me otherwise," I pointed out.

"That's because I was walking, trying not to run into anyone, and drink," he answered. "Why are you avoiding my question?" 

I stayed quiet, wanting to tell him all about Luke and everything that happened, but I was lost for words to explain. "Pull up a chair."

"Are you okay?" the Kiwi boy asked as he pulled up the other desk chair. 

No. "I'm fine."

I readjusted myself into a more comfortable position. Suddenly, I felt Calum's clammy hand gently pull my right arm towards him. Quickly, I tugged it back and then put it so he couldn't see the bandages that had small red lines where the blood had soaked through.

"Ash, what happened?" he asked, obviously not thinking of self-harm.

"I...nothing," I mumbled, not looking at him.

"That's not nothing, Irwin," he said.

I stayed quiet again, trying to stay strong. "I fell. I'm okay."

And there's the never-ending lie making it's reappearance.

\----


	31. Confirmed

I woke up to an ungodly smell that was right under my nose. Instead of being greeted with the London view when I opened my eyes, I was greeted with a fuzzy pouch of a horrid scent, also known as Calum's stinky foot. Quickly, I shoved it off me, which also made him wake up with a jolt and he ended up falling out of the chair. 

"What the fuck was that for?" he asked, rubbing the back of his head. 

"You need to keep your feet smells to yourself," I told him.

"Sorry for making myself comfortable," he mumbled, getting himself up.

Last night didn't consist of much anyway. Right after I denied telling him anything, we just sat there quietly and eventually fell asleep. It wasn't much sleep because I kept waking up, but it was enough for me to escape the reality I now have to face. 

"Hey, are you sure you're okay?" Calum asked, looking at me and then down at my bandaged arms.

"Yeah...I'm fine," I lied, faking a smile. "As I said, I just fell and got a little banged up. It looks worse than what it is."

"Okay. I'm going to take a shower and get this disgusting glittery shit off of me. I feel like a stripper threw up on me or something," he said, grimacing as he looked at his glitter covered arms. 

"Okay, I'll just get ready. Do we have to do anything today or is it still break?" I asked, hoping that it was a break day. I didn't really want to have to force myself to be happy or talk to Luke like nothing's wrong when I wasn't and there obviously is. 

"Last break day. We leave tonight," Calum confirmed, giving it a little thought. "Oh, but we do have to go get Michael. I don't think Alex would appreciate if we just forgot about him and left for another country."

"Yeah, you have a valid point," I agreed. 

With that, Calum took off into the bathroom, thankfully, it wasn't the one that was a mess. I didn't know what to do with myself. I would go get dressed, but I didn't want to wake Luke up. I was already on his shit list, so I didn't want to move farther up on it. 

I kind of wish I would've opened up to Calum about everything last night. But at the same time, I knew that opening up to someone else would just make him treat me like a thin piece of glass. I was fine with just being completely open with Luke, well, I don't know if I even am anymore. He hates me, so I'm probably just back to keeping it to myself. Which was fine with me. I've been doing it for however long now anyway.

My phone began to ring and I saw that it was a text from Michael, probably wanting to get away from the strippers and whores and whatever else happened to be sleeping on him. 

From: Mikerowave

Hey my brains and balls hurt. Where the fuck are you guys?

I quickly typed out a response, telling him that we were getting ready for the day. He didn't send a very happy message back to me, not very pleased that the three of us just decided to ditch him at a strip club where he could've been murdered and raped. I rolled my eyes at it, knowing that drunk Michael would consent to sex with anyone or anything, disturbingly. 

I put my phone down and went over to the closed bathroom door, hearing the shower still running and Calum singing softly to himself. I knocked on it, feeling a little bad for disturbing the his beautiful singing. 

"Occupado!" he yelled. 

"Michael is mad at us for leaving him for dead and he wants us to pick him up ASAP," I told him through the door. I could almost hear the eyeroll that Calum was doing. 

"I'll be out in a minute, Jesus. He has to be so needy sometimes, I swear," Calum huffed jokingly. Well, mostly. He didn't like to be disturbed from his shower.

I walked away from the bathroom door and went over to the window, looking down at the now people-filled streets. They all walked around as if they didn't have a problem in the world, like they were happy to be alive. I wish I could walk around like that and not fake it, but faking it has become more of a routine than getting dressed in the morning.

"People watching?" 

I jumped as I turned around, seeing that it was just Calum wrapped in a towel. He had a smirk on his face when he saw that he scared me. "Y-yeah."

"Sorry for scaring you," he chuckled. "Do you want to get Luke up while I get ready? I mean, I would love to have him wake up to my nakedness, but he's your boyfriend and I would be crossing a line."

"Um, yeah," I agreed. 

Calum went into his room and I nervously clenched my fists, not really wanting to have to be the one to a) wake up Lucifer and b) talk to Luke. I knew he was mad at me for last night and hated me, which would make it even more fun to be the first thing he sees. I went into our room quietly, debating whether or not I should even wake him up. But before I could make up my mind fully, I was already over at his bedside, hearing his quiet snores. 

"L-Luke, wake up," I said, nudging his shoulder. He stirred, but he didn't wake up. I nudged him a little harder and rose my voice a little, trying to be the most gentle person he's ever woken up to. "Luke, it's time to get up. Wake up, Luke."

His eyelids fluttered open tiredly, revealing his big blue eyes. He looked so adorable that I just wanted to cuddle him and kiss him. I would've if he wouldn't hate me. 

He groaned and then flopped over on his back, not saying anything to me. Awkwardly, I went over to my suitcase and picked out a shirt and pair of skinnies as Luke got himself up. There was obvious tension between us. I was hoping he would have forgotten, but that was a longshot and I knew it. After I had everything I needed to get ready, I quickly left the room to go to the bathroom before Calum saw it and questioned me. 

I hurried and threw on my clothes and then cleaned up the mess on the floor, trying to make it look like nothing ever happened. I hid the razor and first-aid kit in my bundle of clothes that I changed out of, hoping that it wasn't noticeable. When I walked out of the bathroom, Calum was standing at the window while he brushed his teeth with his towel still wrapped loosely around his hips, giving the anyone who looked up quite an interesting view. Luke was throwing on his Vans shirt, giving me a view of his bare torso before he covered it up. He had a beanie on so he could leave his hair down, which made him even more adorable. It's like he was taunting me, telling me that I can't have him anymore.

Calum turned around, the toothbrush carelessly hanging out of his mouth. "Do you guysh wanna go shu breakfasht?" 

"Yeah, sure," Luke answered, as if we never got into an argument. 

"Um, yeah," I agreed quietly. 

"Great. Let me get some clothes on and we can go. Unless you want me to keep my sexy towel on," Calum smirked. 

"Please, Calum, as sexy as you think you are, keep yourself covered," Luke joked. Was he seriously trying to make me jealous with my own best friend?

"You're no fun, Lucas," he chuckled, faking a pout. 

If this is how it was going to be, it's going to be a long ass day. 

\----

We ended up going to this little breakfast joint that wasn't that far from the hotel. Thankfully, there wasn't many people there so the two wouldn't be recognized. The seating was exactly how I thought it would be and I felt like the third wheel. Calum and Luke were sitting next to each other while I awkwardly sat across from them, twiddling my thumbs as they joked and talked to each other. I wanted Michael here because he always seemed to make everything less awkward. 

I was basically quiet the entire time, watching them laugh and faking laughs when it was needed. All I wanted was for the cooks to hurry up and make my pancakes so we could get out of here and go pick up Michael so I wasn't completely forgotten about. 

"Ashton, why are you so quiet? You haven't said a word since we got here," Calum asked, taking a sip of his chocolate milk. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied once again.

"Okay, if you say so," he said, but then looked between Luke and I. "Why aren't you guys saying anything to each other?" 

"We have," Luke said. That lying fucker. 

"Really? Why aren't you guys acting like a disgustingly adorable couple like usual?" Calum questioned. 

I shifted awkwardly in my seat, not wanting to be the one to answer. I also knew that Luke would just lie to him about it anyway. Before Calum could press anymore, the waitress came out with our food, setting the plates in front of us, which distracted Calum straight away. Instead of listening to their sickening conversation, I blocked them out and slowly ate my pancakes. 

But that peace was quickly interrupted by Calum.

"Seriously, is there something going on between you guys? You were fine last night," he pressed. 

"Nothing, we're fine," Luke lied, shrugging as he gave me a look. 

I wanted so badly to take him by the shoulders and shake him until he realized that we weren't 'fine' because we were anything but. I could see in Calum's face that he wasn't buying it, but I knew he wasn't going to pester us about it anymore. 

"Is Michael still at the club? Or did he go with the guys back to their hotel?" Calum asked, his mouth full of omelet. 

"All he said was that his brain and balls hurt and wondered where we were," I told him. 

I got my phone from my pocket, bringing up my conversation from earlier and shot him a quick text, asking about his whereabouts. I didn't expect to get a text back as fast as I did because I could only imagine how hungover the boy was, but I got one within seconds.

From: Mikerowave

At club w/ ATL to help clean out the drunken/hungover people...

"He's at the club with the guys," I told Calum. 

"Okay, well, I guess that's where we head to next," he said. 

\----

The outside of the club looked so much different in the daylight. It was so drab and boring, like one usually would, since they usually came to life at night. There were some people walking out of the club, each one looking like they had a rough night. I was hoping that I wouldn't run into Angel. That's the last person I wanted to see. She would probably try to move in on me and make things with Luke even worse than they already were.

We all got out of the vehicle and tried to avoid the hungover young adults. None of them seemed to give a shit if they ran straight into us or not. The inside of the club was rather boring. It wasn't dark and packed with dancing drunks and lit up with neon lights; it was a huge empty space that had normal lighting and a low hum of music in the background with hungover people walking around, confused as to where they were even at. 

Calum led us over to the bar where a young brunette girl was working, cleaning glasses and straightening the bottles of liquor. I saw Calum checking her out, which was funny because it was obvious that he had hearts in his eyes. She noticed us standing there and set down the glass she was washing, coming over to us with a smile.

"Hey, guys. What can I do for ya?" she asked, her lip rings glinting in the light.

"Hello, beautiful. I'm Calum and these are my boys. Can you help us?" the Kiwi boy said, laying on what he thought was charm. She just looked at him amused.

"Okay...I'm Shane. What do you need help with?" Shane asked.

"Well, we're looking for our friend, Michael. As you know, All Time Low had an after party here last night and well, we're pretty good friends wi-" Calum started, trying to sound all flirty.

"Can I see a picture first? It's kind of hard to help if I don't know what he looks like," she said with a smirk.

"Do either of you have a picture of Mikey?" Calum asked as he scrolled on his phone.

"Just Google him, dip shit," Luke scoffed.

"Right," Calum mumbled, his cheeks tinting red. In just a few seconds, he turned the phone towards Shane. "He most likely passed out with pizza or something."

"We don't serve pizza," she giggled. "Yeah, I saw him when I came in this morning. He was down on the dance floor with Alex Gaskarth." 

"Okay, thanks, love," Calum said, winking at her. Such a flirt.

Luke turned to go down on the dance floor and I followed, but noticed that Calum was going to stay back and try to chat up Shane. I walked back to him, stopping to listen to him try to get with this girl that was so obviously not going to fall for it. 

"Yeah, I'm a bassist and have a lot of solos in our songs. We're actually on our first headlining tour. You might've heard of us, Five Seconds of Summer?" he said, leaning against the counter. "Alex might've mentioned us. We're all pretty tight."

"Oh, yeah. You see, I'm not really into bassists. They always seem cocky and think they're the most important," Shane sassed, making Calum get a look of shock on his face. "And they never said anything about you."

"Well, I'm not like most bassists," he said.

"Really? I'm sure not," she giggled, amused at his flirting attempts. "You should probably go to your friend that is standing behind you and watching you fail at this attempt to hook up."

"Wait - what?" he asked, turning around to see me, his face paling slightly. I couldn't help but stifle a laugh at his pathetic flirting. 

"Calum, stop creeping on the poor girl. We have to get Michael," I said, gesturing him to follow. 

"Right...see you around, Shane," he said, embarrassed as he followed me down to where Luke was standing with Michael. 

"Well, there's the two buttholes," Michael said when we got closer to them. 

Luke turned around, a look of disappointment in his eyes when they landed on me. I looked away, just wanting to go back to the hotel and be alone like I had planned. I didn't want to be by him because he just made me feel like I did cheat on him even though I technically didn't. I didn't want to kiss that slut! The only person I want to kiss is Luke, but he won't even let me explain that to him. He's so quick to judge that I would go out of my way to break his heart when he was literally my everything!

"Ash, hello? Are you alive?" Michael said. 

I blinked a few times, knocking myself out of my train of thought. "Yeah, sorry. I'm just a bit tired. What did you say?"

"I was wondering why you were staring off into space, but you just answered it," Mikey chuckled, looking like he was the walking dead. "Can we, like, leave now? I need an Asprin. My head is killing me."

We turned to go, but before we could even get two feet, Jack saw us. I felt my blood start to boil as he stumbled down the stairs to us, looking hungover yet happy as ever to see us. The feeling certainly wasn't mutual. He brought the bitch, he technically ruined my relationship. 

"Hey boys! You guys all left so early!" Jack yelled happily. "It was an awesome party! Got some ass, got some drinks...it was great."

"Sorry, mate. I just wasn't feeling in the party mood," Luke said. 

"It's okay, man. I forgive you," Jack said, giving Luke a high-five and a bro-hug. He looked at me and his joyous expression fell. "Dude, Ash, why do you lok like you want to punch someone?" 

"I don't," I lied. 

"You look pissed!" he laughed. "Loosen up! I'll buy you a drink."

"I'm okay, Jack. I'm just tired," I said, hopefully stopping him. 

"Well, Michael, it was fucking awesome partying with you last night. We gotta do it again sometime. And you all gotta be in the party mood," Jack said, giving us all high-fives. "Have fun in London town."

After he walked away, we hurried out the door. It was so obvious that he was still a little intoxicated. I doubted he'd remember Angel. He probably banged her, passed her onto me, and then banged her when she went crying back. He should've kept her the first time. That's a way to prevent her from spreading her slut diseases. 

We got in the awaiting SUV, not much conversation happening between any of us. As my luck would have it, I had to be sat next to Luke, who wasn't happy about it. He tried to sit as far from me as he could, but it just wasn't far enough. I felt my heart twist, feeling sad that Luke actually hated me for something that I was forced into doing. He would know that if he let me explain myself. 

"Why did you look so mad at Jack?" Michael asked me.

"I wasn't," I mumbled. Lie: I wanted to kick him in the balls.

"Are you sure? You looked like you wanted to stab him," Calum piped up. 

"Dammit, I'm fine! Is it not allowed for me to not have a smile on my face?!" I snapped, causing the two boys to get surprised looks on their faces. What was this anyway? Gang up on Ashton day?

The rest of the ride was pretty quiet, like expected. There was obvious tension throughout the car, not only between Luke and I, but now Calum and Michael too. At least I would get to be by myself for the day. 

I looked over to Luke, who was looking down at his hands. He looked sad and I wanted to hug him and just be his boyfriend, but I knew that he would file a restraining order or something against me. I miss him, but at the same time, I'm angry at him for not believing me or having faith that I wouldn't ever cheat on him deliberately. I mean, I understand that he would automatically assume that since he literally saw her kissing me, but at least give me a chance to explain myself instead of storming off and ending what was a very good relationship. 

"Luke, can we talk when we get back to the hotel?" I asked him quietly. 

He looked up at me, his blue eyes turning hard, but still sad. "I have nothing to say to you."

"But I have something to say to you, so can you just give me a chance?" I pressed, a slight edge in my voice. 

"A chance for what? To rub it in my face? I don't think so," he said, anger in his tone. 

"Luk-"

"Save it, Irwin. We're done," he snapped, shoving his headphones in to block me out. 

So much for having a loving and understanding boyfriend.

\----

I found out that the hotel had a rooftop that I could go up to, so that's where I was sitting. It was nice because I didn't have to fear of anyone finding me. And honestly, if I wanted to end it, I could just walk off the edge without strategy or second thoughts. But I wasn't going to do that, not today. I didn't have energy for it. 

I wasn't positive on what the other three were doing. When we got back, I changed into a sweatshirt, got my headphones, and went up to the rooftop. I didn't even talk to any of them. I was pretty sure that they were all going to stay in the room and do nothing, so I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be around people, period. I would just end up doing something wrong, so why not be all by myself? There's no better company.

"Found a new place, huh?" 

I didn't turn around or respond. I knew it was Calum and I just didn't want to talk to him. He was going to sit and pester me about what was going on with Luke, what happened last night, yada yada yada. I didn't want to hear it. And frankly, I just wanted to ignore him. 

"It's nice up here," Calum said, taking a seat next to me. 

"What do you want, Calum?" I asked monotonously. 

"Nothing, really. I just wanted to know if you were really okay or not. You don't seem okay and I'm worried," he said. 

"I wasn't lying," I said, ironically, lying. "You can go now."

"Ashton, I know there's something bothering you. You're a pretty terrible liar sometimes," he said, faintly chuckling. "Why do you have bandages on your arms? I know that you didn't just fall."

"I'm surprised that you're not back flirting with Shane," I said, avoiding his question.

"I would be, but I'm more worried about you," he said. 

"Don't be. There's nothing to worry about," I lied again.

"Dammit, Ashton. You know that I'm here for you. I'm not going to judge you. I'm your best friend and I want you to be able to talk to me," he said, getting irritated. "There's something going on with you, you and Luke...what aren't you telling me?"

"If I tell you, will you shut up about it and stop asking?" I snapped.

"Yeah, I guess, depending on the severity," he agreed. 

"Luke and I are over," I said, my voice cracking. 

Calum's eyes widened and he looked confused. "What? But you two were perfectly fine last night. What happened?"

"You said you wouldn't annoy me about it," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but this is different. Why did you guys split up? You were so good together," he asked, not giving up.

"It wasn't going to work out, we figured out," I told him vaguely. 

"That explains why you guys weren't talking or why you're not being sickishly cute with him right now," he said. "I'm sorry, mate. Dumb question, but are you okay?"

"What do you think? If you lost the one person that you love the most, would you be okay?"

\----


	32. Bang Dem Sticks

-Auckland, New Zealand-

I hadn't been sleeping for a long time. A week to be exact. The jet lag wasn't helping it either, but I knew that it wasn't the jet lag that was having that big of an affect on me.

It was Luke.

Or lack there of, I guess. I've never missed someone so much in my life. Yeah, I saw him everyday, but I didn't talk to him. He didn't talk to me. It was like I had a crush on him and I was hitting that dead end because I knew that I had no chance whatsoever.

I don't even know him anymore. I never thought it would happen, but I don't even care about the tour anymore. I wasn't going to quit, but I just didn't care about it like I should. My heart was somewhere other than the stage; it was with my ex-boyfriend who just wanted me off the face of this earth.

At the moment, Adam was my favorite person because he got us a hotel by the water. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was rather relaxing at this time in the morning. The moon was reflecting off of the surface of the water, just like a photograph. It was relaxing and beautiful all at the same time. Not only that, but our suite had a small balcony, in which I was sitting on. Calum and Michael were a bit concerned about it because of me, but they didn't say anything after I reassured them that I wasn't going to do anything stupid. Luke didn't much care if I did or didn't.

"Ashton! What the hell are you doing on that?! Get down!" Calum whisper-shouted.

I turned my head to look at him, seeing him standing in the doorway in nothing but his green plaid pajama pants. He had a scared and shocked look on his tired face. Honestly, he looked as if he were to pounce if I were to try anything.

"I'm fine, Calum. I'm just sitting here," I told him quietly. He didn't untense or anything. "I swear, Cal. I'm just looking out at the view and thinking."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"I'm positive. I promise," I told him.

"Can I join you?" he whispered.

"If you really want to," I told him.

The Kiwi boy walked out onto the balcony and go himself up on the ledge across from me. I glanced over at him, the moonlight glowing on one side of his face. He looked peaceful, but like he had something on his mind, but he just didn't know how to say it. I know, staring at someone is weird. But Calum is my best friend; he wasn't going to care. Even if he did, I wouldn't. I'm just done caring.

He noticed me staring at him and he looked over at me with his tired brown eyes as he chuckled a bit. "What?"

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"Just wondering why the fuck we're up at this ungodly hour of the morning," he said, resting his head against the building.

"No, really. You look like something's on your mind," I asked.

Calum sighed and he stayed quiet for a minute. "I'm worrying about you, Ashton."

"What?" I blurted.

"There's something more that happened between you and Luke. I know better than to believe that 'we're not going to work out' bullshit. It's been a good week and you're acting like you just lost your best friend and he's being all mysterious and trying to play that bad boy vibe or something. Both Michael and I know that there's something more that happened," Calum vented.

"There's nothing," I mumbled.

"I'm not going to pressure it out of you, but I don't think that it's a good idea to just keep it all bottled up. When you want to talk about it, I'm here for you and so is Michael. Whenever you need us, we'll be there," Calum told me.

"I know you are," I whispered, pretty sure that he didn't even hear me.

"I do think that we should go to bed though. It's two in the morning and we need our beauty sleep or Adam will have our heads for breakfast," he finished, getting down from the ledge. Before he went back into the suite, he stood there, waiting for me. "Coming?"

"I don't really want to," I said, looking out at the clear sky.

"I know, but you need to. You're going to end up sick or something. Even if you just lay there, you'll be able to drift in and out without worrying you're going to fall to your death," he urged.

Just so the boy would shut up, I got down from the ledge and followed him into the quiet suite. The only noises besides us walking in was the sounds of Michael snoring and talking in his sleep. He must have been tired because I haven't heard him snore or talk loud like that for a long time.

Calum was walking with me to Luke and I's shared room. Despite what was going on between Luke and I, we decided to keep the same room arrangements. It's not like we spent that much time in it anyway. I didn't, at least. When we did have down time at any hotel, Luke would either stay in the room or go somewhere and I would just find somewhere to be alone. The only time we spent together in there was when we were asleep, or for me, attempting to.

"Sleep, okay?" Calum whispered when we got to the half closed door.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Night, mate," he smiled, giving me a quick bro hug.

After he went back to his and Michael's room, I opened the door to our room. Luke was fast asleep, snoring slightly louder than normal. I tiptoed over to my bed, tripping over Luke's black Vans on my way there, causing a bit of noise which made Luke moan a little bit and cuddle tighter into his blanket burrito.

He was so adorable, it hurt my heart. He's supposed to be cuddling me in his blanket burrito. It's supposed to be a two-man burrito, but it isn't. I seriously missed him with every ounce of my being. Without him, I'm just lost and pathetic. Well, I'm that with whether I'm with him or not, it's just moreso.

I crawled into my bed and made sure I was facing away from him. Maybe if I didn't look at him, I would forget that he was even in the room. At least, I could hope that would happen.

——

When you can't even eat a bacon cheeseburger without getting a very piercing glare every twenty seconds, you know that you're never getting back together with your boyfriend, no matter how much you plan on trying.

The four of us decided to go out to eat since we were free for a few hours and I have never felt more hated in my life. Luke kept sending me death glares and I had no idea why, well, other than what transpired. But usually, he just completely ignored my existence. He also kept talking to Michael, not looking very excited nor happy either.

"Mikey, do you want to get a milkshake with me?" I asked the now bleached/blue explosion haired boy.

"Yeah, sure," he said, his mouth stuffed with chips.

Both of us got up and silently walked towards the counter. I waited until we were out of earshot of Luke and Calum so I could find out what the fuck was going on with Luke. I didn't want him to give me daggers for asking about him too.

"What's going on with Luke?" I blurted out once we got in line behind an elderly couple, which were adorable.

"What do you mean?" Michael asked, pretending to be oblivious.

"I know something's up with him. He usually pretends I don't even exist and suddenly, he's glaring at me. I've seen him whispering to you too," I pointed out. I knew if I told Mikey what I knew, he wouldn't be able to hide it. The boy was a terrible liar.

"He told me about the whole cheating thing..." Mikey started. He actually looked disappointed, as if I actually initiated it. But before I could protest, he started talking again. "But the reason he's been glaring and all is because Jack texted him."

"Jack who? Barakat?" I asked.

"Yeah. Apparently, he lost your number and he texted Luke to get it back..." he paused.

"That's all he's pissed about? Just because Jack lost my number and wanted to get it back?" I said, scrunching my eyebrows. That's rather pathetic if you ask me.

"No, you interrupted me, dumbass," Michael said with a smirk. "Jack texted Luke to not only get your number for himself, but also for the girl- Angel -that you cheated on him with. I guess you forgot to give her your number and she wanted it. That's why he's mad. He thinks that you're still seeing her."

"He didn't give it to him, did he?" I asked, taking a gulp. Michael shook his head. "Thank goodness."

"So she was basically a one nighter?" Michael asked, sounding even more disappointed.

"No! I would never do something that cruel to Luke. To anyone actually, especially after everything that we've been through. I love him. I would never hurt him intentionally. Angel was a complete slut that just wanted to get fucked and was doing whatever she could to try and get in my pants. I was trying to explain to her that I was gay, but she just wouldn't have it. She was too wasted to even remember her own name," I explained to him.

"I know, I didn't think that you'd be that guy. You're too nice, but you never know," he said. "I've tried to tell him that you wouldn't do that, but he's so dead set on believing that you did."

"He's stubborn, that's for sure," I said, kicking at the floor.

We both stood in the line silently for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to say and I'm pretty sure Michael didn't know what to say either. I casually watched the old couple in front of us, mentally noting to myself that they were my relationship goals. I wanted to grow old with Luke, to still be in as in love with him sixty years from now. That's really all I wanted out of my depressing life. I wanted to be apart of that couple that's been together for over half a century and keep falling in love just the same as I am at this age. That is literally one of the only things I'm still living for.

"I think you should talk to him. Maybe if you explain and just get everything out on the table, he'll listen and stop being stubborn," Michael suddenly said, taking me out of my deep thoughts. "I really want you guys to get back together. I ship you two."

I couldn't help but smile at the last part. "I do too. Would he be willing to just sit down and talk to me though? He doesn't seem like he'd be all gung ho."

"You have to confront him when he isn't able to escape," he told me without hesitation. "When we get back to the hotel and he goes straight into your room, follow him. You have to corner him otherwise he isn't going to talk to you at all."

I nodded, knowing what he's saying is completely true.

——

I couldn't build up the nerve to do it. I don't confront; I run. Like the time Luke told me he was in love with me and got me confused as all hell, I ran. That's what I do. That's what I'm good at.

But now I have to confront the problem. I have to confront Luke and work this problem. I'm not good at that. Luke's stubborn and rather intimidating when he's pissed off. Talking to me is surely not going to help that any either.

It was almost 11:40 p.m. He should be asleep by now since everyone else in the suite was, but he most likely wasn't. As much as I wanted to avoid talking to him, it was bothering me not doing it. I knew that I would feel better if I did. If I got everything off of my chest, the weight would be lifted off my back.

Quietly, I got up from the couch and went over to our room, placing my hand on the cold golden doorknob. I hesitated, but then just closed my eyes and opened it. As soon as I did, I was hoping and dreaming that Luke was actually passed out for a change, but when I opened my eyes, he was lying in his bed, his phone held above him with both hands and his dreamy blue eyes staring up at it.

He wasn't even phased that I had walked into the room. I wasn't sure if I should clear my throat or make some sort of noise, so I instead quickly shut the door behind me. He didn't look away from his phone screen. So I just stood there, trying to think of some way to get his attention without sounding weird.

"Can I help you?" he sneered rudely, scaring the living shit out of me.

"Um, I wanted to, um, talk to you," I stuttered, trying my hardest to avoid his eyes.

"Well, the desire isn't mutual," he said flatly, looking back at his phone. And I suddenly grew a pair of balls.

"I don't care. We need to talk," I said coldly. I actually surprised myself.

"Why? Do you want to tell me how much better she is? How you're not really gay and that I was basically an experiment?" he spat.

"For one, she is a slut that I want nothing to do with. And two, I am certainly gay and you are not an experiment. I love you with all of my heart, Luke. You know that," I responded.

"You should have thought about that before you snogged her," he scoffed.

"I didn't want to! She's the one who initiated it! I was trying to get rid of her and explain to her that I'm gay and have a boyfriend, but she wouldn't fucking get it!" I yelled.

"No, Ashton, you don't fucking get it. You don't need to make up these stories that you were the innocent one in this shit. I saw you kissing her. I witnessed it, for fuck's sake! Don't fucking lie to me when I was there, God dammit!" he yelled, his face reddening with rage.

"I'm not lying to you, Luke! I'm telling you the truth! You weren't there, you didn't hear what I was telling her, so you're argument is invalid!" I responded.

"My argument is invalid?! Ashton, I fucking witnessed it! You were sticking your tongue down that slut's throat! If I wouldn't have shown up, I guarantee you that you would've been in her pants," Luke spat.

"Really?! You actually think I would cheat on you and break your heart for no reason at all when you've been there and have been nothing but an amazing boyfriend to me? That fucking hurts, Luke. I wouldn't do something like that to you! Not only that, but there is no way that I would lower my standards to someone like her, let alone become straight for an hour when I know sure as fuck I am gay and your boyfriend!" I argued, getting so frustrated with Luke's stubbornness.

"You can stand there and feed me all this bullshit that you didn't cheat or whatever the fuck you claim it is, but I know damn well what I saw. You can't just act like it was all a lie. I thought you were different, Ashton! You're a liar. I should have just let you jump that day. You're right; it would've benefited everyone, especially me," Luke hissed, angry tears falling out of the corners of his eyes. 

I was rendered speechless. The one person that I didn't want to tell me that I should commit suicide just did. The one person that has kept me alive all this time just told me that it would be better if I was dead. The one person that I thought wanted me to be on this Earth, doesn't.

I had nothing to say to that.

Because he was right.

The one thing that was keeping me from following through was the fact that he wanted me to stay. Ultimately, he wouldn't be okay if I was gone.

But now, he's given me permission to.

——

We had a concert tonight, in which I didn't want to go to. After Luke told me that, I just kind of gave up on my emotions. What Luke said stung. It was stuck in my mind on repeat. Luke told me what I knew he wanted all along, what everyone wanted. It was true; everyone would be better off if I wasn't in their lives.

"Guys, two minutes until you're on," the stage manager said.

The other three boys were pumping each other up, all of them acting like there wasn't a thing wrong with the world. Especially Luke. He was acting like telling me that it was okay for me to kill myself was as meaningless as a hello.

"Ash! You ready?!" Mikey asked me, all excited.

"I'm ready to go to bed," I told him.

"We had all day to sleep! Come on, man! GET EXCITED!" he said, not even noticing what was happening.

The stage man waved us over and we all went over to our places, each of us running to our positions one by one. The first three were beyond excited, like they usually were for a show. I was the only one who couldn't be that excited though. It was impossible for me to get the usual high of performing. It just wouldn't come and I was actually, for the first time ever, dreading being here.

"How is everyone doing tonight?!" Calum shouted into the microphone, getting screams in response.

"I think that means good, Cal," Mikey laughed. "Ashton, my fuzzy headed friend, what song are we playing first?"

"You have to be eighteen in order to listen to this one, everyone!" I introduced, saying the worst lead-in I ever have.

"Ashton, that was literally the worst lead-in ever," Calum said jokingly. "It's okay. I think everyone here will forgive you."

I just faked a laugh and counted off, starting the song so I wouldn't have to talk for a few minutes. I just wanted this damn concert to be done with.

——

"I feel like we're missing something," Calum said breathlessly after we finished playing Don't Stop. 

"And what would that be, Mr. Hood?" Luke asked, sounding so happy. It made my heart break every time he decided to talk tonight.

"I feel...I feel like we don't have enough bangin' going on with Ash," Calum said, earning a weird look from Michael and a roll of the eyes from Luke.

"What...?" Mikey asked, taking Calum's statement completely wrong.

"His drumming! God, you are such a pervert," Calum laughed. He turned back to me. "Are you alright back there, Ashy poo?"

"Yeah, just great," I said, faking enthusiasm and Cal knew it as soon as I started talking.

"Well, if Meghan Trainor were here, Ash, I think her hint of advice would be-" Michael started.

"Hoe, don't do it," Calum warned.

"To bang dem sticks," Mikey rapped, doing an odd little dance.

Little did either of them know, this was all the heart and soul that I could put into this concert. These sticks wouldn't be banging much harder than they already were. I just wanted to go home.

I just wanted to quit.

——


	33. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song that goes with this chapter is Stay by Miley Cyrus.   
> I also wanted to apologize for this chapter because you are going to cry because I blubbered like a little baby and it's hard to make me cry with fanfics.

After the concert was over, I literally ran off the stage as fast as I could. I needed to get back to the hotel and confine myself. That's all I needed to do, that's all I wanted to do. I wanted to get away from these people, the so-called fans, everything. I just wanted to delete myself as easily as I can delete a tweet.

But before I could get changed into something comfortable and get into the van that shuttled us back to the hotel, the dressing room door was pushed open and in walked a sweaty Michael and a sweaty Calum.

"You're lucky that I wasn't naked," I said simply.

"What's going on with you?" Michael asked, his face filled with concern. "That certainly wasn't the Ashton Irwin we know out there tonight."

"Yes it was," I muttered.

"I beg to differ. Are you okay? I was serious when I asked you that tonight. I didn't expect you to talk about whatever's happening in front of an arena full of people, but I was serious about talking to you if something was on your mind," Calum told me.

I know that both of them wanted me to talk about Luke. They didn't know about the fight with Luke, but I knew that they figured that's why I was upset and that he was what was bothering me. The best thing that I could do is probably talk about it with them, but I didn't want to. I would just annoy them and they would get sick of me talking about my problems when they had their own stresses to worry about. They didn't need to be weighed down with mine.

"Ash? Come on, talk to us," Michael pleaded. "We don't want you to be upset. We want happy Ashton back."

"I'm fine, really," I said, avoiding eye contact with either of them. They knew it was a lie. Ever since the incident in the Dublin hotel, they've known that whenever I say that, it's a complete and udder lie.

"No, you're not. Ashton, you need to talk to us. We're here for you. Don't think that we don't want to listen because we do. That's why we're best friends. We're here to listen to each other, no matter how big or little the issue is," Calum told me.

He's been there for me, he's listened. Both him and Michael have been. But there's a point when one starts to feel like they're annoying, like nobody really cares that much anymore because it had became a routine to always lay your problems on that person. There's a line and I feel like I have crossed it.

"Ashton, please. We're not going to be able to sleep at night if you don't tell us what's on your mind," Michael begged. "We love you, Ash, no matter what it is. You're our brother and we're always here for you."

That's when I broke.

That's when I told them all about the fight, how Luke told me that I should've jumped (which I highly agree with), every word that was spoken. They listened and comforted me. Michael got a bit testy about Luke, which I expected, but Calum just listened, just being there when I needed him most. Like always.

I've never let people see me cry like this before. I mean, other than Luke, nobody has seen me completely vulnerable like I am now and I'm trusting them fully not to harass me about it. I knew they wouldn't, but I did hope they wouldn't bring it up after we left this room.

"We need to talk to him. What he said, that's not right. You don't tell someone in your state that they should have committed. Ashton, you know that we're all thankful that you didn't, right?" Calum rambled, trying to suppress his anger towards Luke.

"It shows your strength that you didn't commit. Don't listen to Luke; he's upset and doesn't know what he's saying," Michael said.

"Do you want Michael and I to talk to him? He owes you an apology and respect," Calum asked.

I stayed quiet, not really sure if I wanted them to. If they did, Luke would just think I was an attention-seeking crybaby just for talking to those two. But if they didn't, Luke would continue speaking the horrifying truth of what he actually thinks about me. If they did, Luke would make it worse. He would most likely say that I should die or tell me ways to commit every hour on the hour.

"Please, don't. I don't want him to know that I'm...weak," I told them, telling the truth technically.

I saw a hint of disappointment in Calum's eyes. I know he wanted to tell Luke off. Both of them did. Michael just was more open about than Calum because Calum liked to build up his anger and then let loose when the time was right. And if he did, that time would be when he was talking to Luke and I didn't want him to get hurt, even if he hated me. I still care about him.

"Fine, we won't. But if you do, I want you to tell us or just do it yourself, okay?" Calum sighed. I just nodded and hugged the two boys.

They both got up to leave the room and I followed them to walk them out to make it seem like all we did was have a casual conversation without all the hideous crying and confessing of what Luke had said. I closed the door behind them and leaned back against it as a few stray tears fell slowly down my cheeks. I felt like I was just ripped open and everyone could see what was inside. Now, I was just trying to mend myself back together.

I opened my eyes then and realized that we all shared a dressing room. Why did Michael and Calum leave? The food, bathroom, clothes...everything is in here.

Except Luke.

I should have known that he was going to talk to him whether I gave him permission or not. That was just what Calum did if he felt what something wasn't right. He would confront it.

I quietly, yet quickly, rushed out of the dressing room in the direction that Michael and Calum went. When I got closer to Hey Violet's dressing room, I heard Calum talking to Luke. I stopped, not wanting to hear them, but at the same time, I wanted to hear everything.

"-you realize what you said was completely inappropriate?" Calum said.

"What do you mean? What are you talking about? I haven't talked to him at all," Luke snapped.

"Bullshit! You talked to him last night! You told him that he should've jumped and it would be better if he was dead. You don't tell someone who is depressed and suicidal that! How would you feel if we walked in the dressing room and he was hanging in the corner? How would you feel knowing that you were the one who caused him to try and succeed? Would that make you happy? Because if it did, you are one sick bastard," Calum scolded, his voice full of anger and bitterness.

Luke didn't say anything for a minute, but then he laughed or snorted or something. "Well, if he's stupid enough to let a silly comment like that bother him, than it is what is."

"Really, Luke! Put aside whatever the fuck happened between you two and remember that Ashton is your best friend. Remember how much you actually do care about him and how much you want him around. May I mention that you were more upset than Michael and I in Dublin? We were heartbroken, but you were even moreso. But you had to be strong for both of you and you were willing to suffer in silence because you wanted Ashton to be happy. Get rid of the bitterness for a few minutes and realize what you actually said to Ashton and how wrong that is," Calum yelled. I could hear the tears falling because he felt so strongly about this.

"You can't tell me how to feel. That was then, this is now. Feelings change faster than Twitter can update, so just shut the fuck up," Luke retorted. "You can tell me all you want that I don't want him dead-"

I turned around and ran to grab my things from the dressing room, tears falling quickly down my cheeks. I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

——

Narrator:

Luke felt like shit.

He told himself not to let Calum's words get in his mind, but they did and now he felt like the worst person on the planet. He didn't follow Michael and Calum back to the dressing room because he didn't want to listen to Calum bitch him up and down, and he didn't want to see Ashton because it was always so painful to look at him after what happened at the club. Now it's even worse after what Luke told him last night. He just wanted to be alone for a little bit.

Casey was the only other one in the Hey Violet dressing room and knew that Luke didn't want to talk to anyone, so he respectively kept to himself. He cared about Luke, but he wasn't going to pry to find out. He knew that it was a pretty heated argument when he had come in after Calum and Michael were just leaving. He could only imagine that it had something to do with Ashton since the blonde didn't decide to come along with them. Maybe it wasn't. Who knows.

Luke was shaking his right leg pretty rapidly as he sat on the cushioned footrest. He felt so guilty about Ashton. He needed to talk to him like Calum had told him to do, like Ashton wanted to do last night. He needed to let the boy explain himself if it wasn't his fault like he claimed.

There was a knock on the door and the three female members of the band came walking in with smiles on their faces and looked happy, unlike Luke did, but they chose to ignore that at the moment.

"They're ready to get us back to the hotel. They're leaving in five minutes," Nia announced to the two boys. "Luke, your fans are insane!"

"I know," Luke agreed, smiling half-heartedly.

He got up to go to his band's dressing room, but then he wondered, why? It's not like he put his phone or anything in there. He had all of his stuff with him, so they might as well go out to the vans.

"The others know about the vans, I'm sure?" Luke asked the three girls, who all nodded in return. "Then shall we?"

The three girls went back to the makeup counter and grabbed their necessities while Casey waited by Luke at the door. Luke would've went out by himself, but he didn't want to have to face his bandmates alone. Or at all.

The girls nodded, ready to leave, so Luke opened the heavy door and let the opening band go first. As he went to follow, he saw that Calum was coming with his concert attire in his arms.

"Have you seen Ashton?" Calum asked, still having that bitter edge to his voice. "Not that I'd expect you would give two shits about him."

"No, I haven't. I've been hanging with Casey ever since you left," Luke told the angry Kiwi boy, who just rolled his eyes.

The two walked out to the vans in silence. They were the last two and it was only Michael that was in their assigned one. Luke felt a bit concerned seeing this, but he didn't let it show. He wasn't really in the mood for anymore of Cal's snarky remarks.

"What do you mean we're missing one?!" Adam's voice said outside of the now closed van door, which quickly swung open. The tour manager looked around the vehicle, most likely looking for Ashton. "Why the hell is there only three of you? Where's Ashton?"

"I haven't seen him since right after the concert," Michael answered.

"Same here. Michael and I talked to him right afterwards. We haven't seen him since," Calum agreed. Luke stayed quiet, but quickly got a glare from Adam.

"Well? What about you, Hemmings?" he questioned.

"I haven't seen him at all except for onstage. Other than that, I've been hanging out with Hey Violet," the blonde said timidly.

"Dammit. Try calling him. One of you," Adam demanded. Calum brought out his phone, calling Ashton instantly.

Adam stood there impatiently, his hands on his hips like he was on a time schedule. He was, but it was only to get back to the hotel so it wasn't a huge deal. After a few seconds, Calum's eyes lit up, which meant that Ashton had answered him. He quickly answered whatever the missing blonde had told him and hung up the call.

"Well, where is he? Is he okay? Did he get mauled by fans? Is he dead in a ditch somewhere?" Adam quizzed.

"If he was dead, why would-" Michael started.

"Don't question authority," Adam snapped, serious yet funny.

"He said he's back at the hotel. He was tired and isn't feeling well, so he decided to get a cab," Calum relayed to him.

Adam just shook his head, not extremely mad at the boy like he should have been. He expected shit like this to happen with Ashton, or any of the boys. As long as he got back safely and didn't get murdered by those crazy fangirls, Adam didn't care.

"Alright. Get comfortable and buckle up because we're rolling," Adam announced, shutting the door. 

——

When the three got back to the hotel, Calum and Michael went directly to their shared bedroom to get some sleep. Luke would have done the same, but he didn't want to go to bed yet. Or see Ashton, even if he was asleep. So he decided to stay up for a bit and watch the telly and eat a little bit. 

He sat down on the couch and turned on the telly, turning the volume low so he wouldn't wake anyone up. Some crime show was what came on when he turned the thing on, so Luke decided to just watch that. He was hungry, but he didn't want to get up. He wanted to stay in this one spot until morning, but his stomach and bladder were starting to tell him otherwise. 

The blonde sighed and got up from the couch, deciding that it would be best to go empty his bladder out first so he could take his time picking out the food that their crew made sure was in their hotel room. He went over to his and Ashton's shared bathroom and twisted the handle, but it only went halfway. The door was locked. Luke rolled his eyes, turning to go to Michael and Calum's, but saw that the door was closed too. Luke sighed and softly knocked on the door.

"Ash, hurry up," he said, irritated. There was no movement or anything. "Ashton, come on. I have to piss."

Nothing.

Luke wriggled the door handle some more, but it still wouldn't budge. He opened the door to their room and saw what must've been a body in Ashton's bed. If Ashton was asleep, then who could be in there? It had to either be Cal or Mikey, but why wouldn't they respond or something? Even when Luke was given the silent treatment, both of them broke it by telling Luke to shut up when he was annoying them.

"Cal? Mikey? Open the door," Luke said again. "Come on! I have to fucking pee!"

Luke was getting fed up with just standing there, so he positioned himself and slammed his left side forcefully into the wooden door. When he did, his mouth dropped all the way to the floor and he froze solid as he looked at the sight in front of him.

He kept opening his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He's boyfriend -ex?- was lying on the ground, motionless. There were empty pill bottles and pills spilled out around him. The plastic cup that was always in hotel bathrooms was carelessly placed in Ashton's left hand, a puddle of water underneath it.

Ashton had tried to commit suicide.

Luke finally unfroze and fell to his knees next to his unconscious bandmate. He started to shake his shoulders, trying to wake him. "Ashton, come on, buddy. Wake up, please. Please, wake up." 

Luke was now crying. He continued shaking Ashton, hoping that he would wake up somehow, not even caring that he was yelling. He didn't care. He just wanted Ashton to wake up. 

"What- oh my God. What the hell is going on?!" Calum asked as he entered the bathroom, seeing Luke shaking the unconscious boy lying on the floor. "Michael, get out here!" 

Calum grabbed someone's phone from the coffee table in front of the telly, dialing 1-1-1. "Help. We need an ambulance as fast as possible. My friend overdosed or something. Hurry please!" 

Luke was still looming over Ashton. There was vomit underneath his head and dribbling down his chin. It was disgusting, but Luke didn't care. He tried to give the wavy blonde CPR, but it just wouldn't help. They've left Ashton too long that only medical equipment could help. 

Luke heard the sirens outside of the hotel and he was hoping to God that it was for Ashton. He didn't want to lose him, despite what he had said to him and Calum. Luke wanted Ashton to be alive; he was just angry and spoke out of anger and bitterness. 

Before he knew it, he was being pulled away from Ashton and out of the bathroom. It was happening like it was in slow motion and just slowly playing out in front of him. He wanted this to be a disturbing nightmare that he was going to wake up from at any given second, but it just wasn't. It was real. He was really losing Ashton. 

He wanted to run after him, but Michael was holding him back. He just wanted to be with Ashton, even if Luke was the last person that Ash wanted to see. He was going to apologize to Ashton, he knew that now. But he didn't get a chance to and now it could be too late. He wanted to tell Ashton that he didn't mean a word he said about him being a burden because he most definitely wasn't. 

But now, he the likelihood of him getting to say anything on his mind wasn't good.

——

Luke wanted to visit Ashton, but they wouldn't let him. He wasn't direct family, so he wasn't allowed. They didn't even give them an update about his condition. What if he was dead? Were they just going to let them sit there for hours on end without telling them?

Michael and Calum were at the hotel to get a change of clothes and talk to Adam, telling him what had happened. Luke didn't really want them to come back because once they were allowed to visit Ash, those two weren't going to let Luke anywhere near him because of the dumbass thing that Luke had said the previous day, even if it was a complete lie. 

The few people that were walking through the waiting room with their coffees and such were giving Luke weird looks. Probably because he was sitting on a two-person chair with his knees as close to his chest as possible with his jumper over them and bright red and teary eyes. He looked like an overgrown toddler, but he couldn't give two shits. It's what made him comfortable somehow. 

He saw Michael and Calum enter the waiting room, each of them holding bags. Michael sat down in the empty spot next to Luke, looking over at the heartbroken boy with sad eyes. Michael was upset too, but he couldn't imagine what pain that Luke was feeling, especially since this act was probably triggered by him. 

Michael then reached into the top of Luke's bag and grabbed out the letter he had found on Luke's bed, his hand shaking. He thought that this was the right time to give it to Luke, but at the same time, he didn't. He had no idea when would be the right time to give someone a suicide letter. 

Luke looked at him as Michael extended his hand out. He grabbed the folded paper from his best friend, seeing his name scrawled on the paper in Ashton's chicken scratch. He wanted to open it, but at the same time, he didn't want to read it and then get told that Ashton didn't make it. Considering his very recent luck, he wasn't going to take any chances. 

"Have you heard anything?" Michael asked Luke quietly. 

Luke shook his head, gripping the letter in his fist, not really caring that he was crinkling it. If things were to go bad, this was his last piece of Ashton and he just wanted to keep it closed for as long as he could.

As he sat there, staring at the ground, the doctor came out. All three of the boys looked at him and all three of them were hoping so hard for the best. They wanted to know that Ashton was going to stay alive. They wanted so badly for this to be yet another failed attempt. They didn't want him dead. He needed to live.

"Is he okay?" Calum asked, his voice cracking. His tone was so desperate.

"Boys, I have some...bad news," the doctor said, a fake look of sadness on his face. Well, it seemed like he was faking it to the three boys. "Ashton is in a coma. It is not medically induced, but we have all the necessary things to help try to keep his body functioning."

"Is he going to wake up? Like, ever?" Luke asked, getting testy. 

"We're not entirely sure. He may, he may not. We have him on life support, so we're keeping him alive," the doctor told them.

"Can't you give him some type of wonder drug or something to wake him up?" Michael asked, causing the doctor to chuckle partially. 

"Son, if I could, I would. But it isn't that easy. Due to the amount of medication that he took, his system had no choice but to shut down. If you would've been just a few minutes later, Ashton wouldn't have had a chance," the doctor said.

Luke looked away from the older man and down at his knees as tears fell from his eyes. It was his fault that this happened in the first place. He should be the one in a coma, not Ashton. He was the one who told him that he should be dead. Luke was the one who deserved to die, not Ashton. 

"Son, are you okay?" the doctor suddenly asked. "I can call our grief counselor if you need. She works wonders. Patients' families have given her nothing but praise."

Luke just shook his head. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want to talk to anybody except Ashton. Counselors would just throw him into an asylum or solitary confinement just because he gave Ashton permission to commit suicide when he didn't really mean it. 

He didn't think that Ashton would take it seriously. 

"Are we allowed to see him yet?" Michael asked, his usual voice now flat and sad. 

"We're thinking that later this morning or early afternoon would be a good time to start letting in visitors. Do you know of anyone else who would be stopping by?" the doctor asked.

"Our tour manager, Adam, for sure. He'll take care of all the legal stuff and who's able to visit him and security and all that," Calum told him, his voice soft and shaky. 

"I suggest that you go back to your hotel and get some rest. You boys are going to need it. If you want to stay here, I completely understand. We'll call or tell you if there are any changes or news," the doctor said. 

The two other boys just agreed while Luke sat in his fetal position. He didn't want to move or anything because he knew that this was all his fault. Luke was a murderer. He may not have done physical damage, but he told Ashton that he needed to die. It was as bad as pulling the trigger on a gun. 

"Luke, are you going to go or stay?" Calum asked him quietly. 

"Stay," Luke squeaked. 

"I can stay with him, Cal. You can go back if you want," Michael said. I assumed that Calum was staying because he didn't leave or move. 

——

The morning came and the three boys barely got any sleep, especially Luke. He couldn't sleep without remembering the fight that he and Ashton had had two nights ago. It was hard to believe that just ten hours ago, Luke hated Ashton with a burning passion. Now he loves him more than he loves his own life. 

Without giving two shits if he woke anyone up if they were sleeping, Adam came into the waiting room. He looked well-rested and pissed. Calum and Michael probably told him that it was Luke's fault for the whole thing. It was, technically. 

"Where's the damn nurses' station?" Adam asked the three tired boys. 

"Back that way," Calum pointed. 

He stormed off back towards the station, leaving the three in complete silence once again. The three of them were all looking forward to getting the go-ahead to go see him and talk to him. Time couldn't tick by any slower. 

In about ten minutes, Adam came back with the doctor in tow. Instead of looking angry like he did, he looked sad and upset. Hopefully, that was just him losing the tough guy act and not bad news. 

"No fans or press are to know about this, so don't Keek or tweet or Instagram anything about it. Otherwise, this hospital is going to be surrounded by media cameras and fangirls," Adam told us. "We're going to come up with something to do with Ashton's appendix to release later tonight since it's pretty likely we're not going to be at the next however many shows." Adam shifted his position and then looked at all three of them, his eyes full of sorrow. "I'm sorry that you boys have to go through this. I'm sorry that Ashton has to go through this. I want you all to know that if you need to talk or anything, you can always talk to me. I'm more than just a bitchy old tour manager. I'd like to think that I'm your friend." 

The three of them stayed quiet, taking everything that Adam told them. All of them knew that underneath that put together, organized shell, Adam was hurting as bad as they were. He loved all of them as if they were his children and if he were to lose one, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. He wouldn't be the same because he's gotten so attached to them. 

"Well, boys and Mr. Wilkinson, I have some news about Ashton," the doctor started. All four of them looked at the doctor, hope on each of their faces. 

"How is he?" Adam asked. 

"It's not good, I'm afraid," he continued. "His body isn't responding to the medications and his heartbeat is gradually getting slower. Really the only thing that is keeping him alive is the life support right now."

"How much longer?" Adam asked for the now crying boys.

"We're not sure, but it isn't going to be extremely long since he isn't responding to the medicine," the doctor said.

Luke was now completely broken down, trying to cry as quietly as he could, but it just wasn't working as well as he wanted. His boyfriend -ex?- was going to get what he wanted and what he thought Luke wanted. His suicide attempt was going to be successful like he wanted. He was going to go away and never play the drums again. He would never be onstage again. 5 Seconds of Summer would never be the same without his heart, his love, his happiness.

"A-Are we a-allowed t-to see h-him?" Michael stuttered through his heavy sobs.

"Yes, but one at a time. We don't want to overwhelm him. So, choose who gets to see him first and come back to the nurses' station," the doctor said, turning around and walking back through the doors.

All four of them stayed quiet, the three band members crying to themselves. Adam had every urge to cry, but he just couldn't. He had to stay strong for all of them. He was in control of these boys and he had to be the strong one because he was basically the 'dad' while they were on the road. If he went down, they all would.

"Luke, do you want to go?" Adam asked the broken up blonde. He saw that he seemed to be the most upset out of all of them, so he figured he needed to have his time with Ashton first.

Luke unfolded himself from the chair, his limbs stiff from staying in the same position practically all night. He sniffled and wiped his teary eyes as he made his way back to the nurses' station. He was going to get his chance to apologize, but whether Ashton would hear it or not was up for question. As long as he could get it out, that's all he needed to get some of this weight off his chest. Not that it would even make a difference.

"Follow me, please," a nurse said to Luke.

Luke followed the woman through the hallway and stopped dead in his tracks when he got to Ashton's room. The nurse turned around, looking at Luke with a sad expression. He obviously didn't know what to expect when he saw Ashton. He thought it would just be like him sleeping.

But it was much worse.

Ashton didn't look at all like his normal self and it really hurt Luke's heart. The boy's skin was pale, almost paler than Michael's and that's saying something. His usually luscious hair was all dry and straggly. His face didn't look as full, his chest was moving slowly up and down, as if he would stop at any minute. Luke didn't like seeing his Ashton like this, but he had an inkling that Ashton was just sticking around to make him suffer through it, to make him feel even guiltier than he already was.

"You can come in," the nurse said to Luke, noticing that he was scared. "It's okay."

Luke swallowed the lump in his throat and walked into the hospital room. He shakily went next to Ashton and sat down in the chair, grabbing his motionless and cold hand in his own, trying his best to warm them.

"I'll leave you two alone. Just come out when you're finished," the nurse said, quickly leaving the room.

As soon as she was gone, Luke broke down again, taking Ashton's hand to his lips and repeatedly kissed it. "I'm sorry, A-Ashton. I d-didn't m-mean it! I w-was a-angry. I-I d-didn't w-want y-you to die!"

Luke gripped Ashton's hand harder, wanting him to just magically wake up, but he knew that wasn't going to ever happen again. Ashton was literally on his death bed. Luke would never hear his beautiful voice again, he would never hear him sing another note, he would never hear his happy laugh. It was all just a memory now. He wanted Ashton to just wake up and yell at him. He didn't care if he was mad at him, he just wanted the kid to wake up.

As Luke sat there, staring and repeatedly apologizing to Ashton, a Miley Cyrus song popped into his head, making his eyes well up. He wasn't a huge fan of her, but he remembered his brother's girlfriend used to love her and he somehow remembered it. Luke started to hum it, and then started to sing it quietly through his tears.

"Well, I try to live without you. The tears f-fall from my eyes. I-I'm alone and I f-feel empty. God, I'm t-torn apart inside," Luke sang, his voice shaking.

He kissed Ashton's fingers again as he tried to think of the chorus. He just wanted Ashton to stay. He was praying to God that He would fail Ashton's attempt again. He didn't want to lose him.

"And I love you more than I did before, and I'm sorry that it's this way. But I'm coming home, I'll be coming home. And if you ask, I will say, I will stay," Luke sang quietly, meaning every word that he just sang, knowing it will be the last ones he will ever sing and see Ashton's face.

——

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I am so sorry.


	34. Epilogue

-1 Week Later-

Narrator:

It was the day that all three boys have been dreading. It was the set date that Ashton's life support was going to be cut off. He wasn't getting at all better, his body wasn't responding to the medications at all and he was literally living off of the life support. The doctors and nurses were all very certain that he would never wake up without the medication because without it, he wouldn't be able to gain enough function to wake up.

Neither of the boys talked to Luke that much and he couldn't blame them. Michael was the only one who he's had a full conversation with, but it didn't last long. Calum has completely avoided him ever since this happened. He couldn't blame him. Luke might as well of held a gun and pulled the trigger.

It would've been quick and less painful than watching Ashton suffer.

They all slowly walked into the hospital, wanting to take their sweet time because they didn't want to give the go ahead to kill their best friend. They can't believe they were the ones given the power to say, (technically Adam was but the boys wanted to be with Ashton when he passed) but here they were, getting themselves mentally prepared for what was about to happen.

But the truth was, who was actually mentally prepared to cut off their best friend's life?

Nobody.

Luke knew this was going to fuck him up even more than this whole situation already had. He would lose his boyfriend -ex?- to suicide/murder. Ashton would get the ungodly thing he wanted while Luke sat back and regretted ever telling Ashton that it was okay if he committed. He completely blamed himself for all of this and nobody was telling him not to because they all knew that it really was Luke's permission that set off Ashton.

But this was even worse than what he said. He was technically doing the killing now. He knew that, in Calum's mind, this was revenge to Luke. Making him watch Ashton take his last manufactured breath, his heart stop beating. That's what would break Luke, that's what was going to break them all.

The receptionist in the entrance of the hospital looked at the three boys with the most sympathetic look, knowing what they were about to do. She knew that those boys were not prepared for what was coming. They were not prepared to the mental and emotional burden they were going to have for the rest of their lives.

"Good afternoon, boys," she said with a sad smile. The three just nodded their hellos, not having any want or need to smile or speak back to her, which she understood. Who would?

Luke's hands were in his jumper pockets, his fingers fiddling around with the note that Ashton had written for him the night that he committed. He still hasn't opened it. Michael asked him if he was going to, but Luke said that he didn't want to because if he did, it would be like Ashton was gone after he did. He didn't want that to happen. He wanted it to be like Ashton was still there.

They slowly made their way to the nurses' station to let them know that they were there. This was going to be each boy's last minutes with Ashton. They were all dreading it. They wanted to be with him, no doubt, but they didn't want this to be the last time. They wanted more time with him, but they knew if they changed the date, they would just be making the boy suffer even more than they already had. This had to be done, gotten over with.

All of them wanted to cancel the rest of the tour because they didn't feel that it would be fair to the fans to put on a fake smile and give them a shitty show. They wouldn't want to be there, so they wouldn't play like they wanted to be. Why would they make their fans pay money for shit?

The main doctor, Dr. Corden as they've learned, was standing at the station, talking to one of the nurses when the boys made their way in. The older man looked at the three, feeling nothing but heartache for them. Each of them had broken looks on their faces, which made it even worse. It was like looking at three little sad puppies on those ASPCA commercials.

"Hello, boys," Dr. Corden said sadly. Unfortunately, he's gotten attached to these three and felt such strong sympathy for them. He always does this when young kids or teenagers are involved in situations like this. He can't imagine the mental pain they're being put through. "You boys can have your last visits with him. You can take as long as you want, but not too long, okay? Just tell one of the nurses when you're all ready for the...when you're ready for me."

The three just nodded and looked at the ground, wishing that they could prolong this more. They were all just thinking selfishly now, wanting to keep Ashton on an Earth that he isn't able to be happy or conscious in. But they just didn't want to bear the pain of losing him. They didn't want to lose the sunshine that lit up a dark world.

"Luke...do you want to go first?" Michael asked the heartbroken blonde quietly.

Luke couldn't even find the words to say no, so he just shook his head, still looking down at the tiled hospital floor. He didn't want his last minutes to be up right away. He wanted to be the last one to see Ashton, even if they were going to be in the room when he passed. He just wanted to plan out his goodbye first.

He was guessing that Michael was the one who was going to go into Ashton's room first. He followed Calum to a little bench across from the desk and both boys quietly sat down next to each other, awaiting their turns to spend their last moments with Ashton.

"We should probably figure this out now," Calum said, barely above a whisper. "Who's going next?"

Luke looked up at the Kiwi boy, swallowing the never-disappearing lump in his throat. "I would kind of like to go last, if that's okay with you."

Calum nodded slowly, not waning to fight with him. He was so mad at Luke, but he knew that Luke must feel like absolute shit. Which is what the vengeful side in him wanted, but at the same time, he hated seeing Luke so broken and dysfunctional.

——

By the time Calum came back, it looked like he had been doing the most crying he has ever done. His eyes were red and puffy with tears still falling, his cheeks were stained with tear streaks, his voice was hoarse from crying and talking to Ashton. He looked at Luke, nodding at the blonde to go ahead and go say goodbye to his soon-to-be past love.

Luke's legs shook as he stood up and started making his way down the long hallway to Ashton's room. When he got there, he saw his love lying in the hospital bed, looking even worse than he had the previous day, but somehow he still looked beautiful. No matter what, Ashton would always be beautiful to Luke.

The younger boy took a seat in the semi-warm chair next to the bed and took Ashton's large and lifeless hand into his shaky one. The memories he had with him played out in his head, making Luke cry like no tomorrow.

"Ashton, I'm so sorry. I was a terrible boyfriend and I should have never told you to commit. I didn't think you would," Luke cried, rubbing circles into Ashton's dry hand. "I love you so much, you don't even know. You probably hate me, but I can't have you leave me thinking I hate you, because I don't. I love you more than anything in this world. You're my everything, Ash. I loved every minute I spent with you, even if it ended in a fight. I didn't like fighting with you, but you were alive and that made me happy. Now, it's like I'm talking to a damn wall. You can't hear me saying any of this, but I just need to think you do. If I think that you do, then I'll be somewhat okay."

He stayed quiet for a few minutes, silently sobbing onto Ashton's slow moving chest. Luke lifted his head, seeing that he had completely soaked his hospital gown, but he didn't care. A part of him would be with Ashton, even after he died. It was petty, but Luke didn't give two fucks about pettiness at this point.

"Since this is the last time I'll ever sing this song, I might as well sing it to you, right?" Luke said, his voice shaking. He cleared his throat and started to sing to the comatose twenty year old in the bed in front of him.

"You can say we'll be together

Someday.

Nothing lasts forever,

Nothing stays the same.

So why can't I stop feeling this way?" Luke couldn't continue without breaking down bawling onto Ashton. It was their song. It was what helped them get together. It was really the only living piece of Ashton he would have after he passed.

"Torn in two...

And I know I shouldn't tell you,

But I just can't stop thinking of you."

Luke's head shot up when he heard the next verse of the song. He saw that Ashton's eyelids were flicking open and Ashton slightly coughed off to the side. Luke couldn't believe it. His boyfriend had woken up. He sat there, unable to say anything. Ashton looked around the hospital room and then his wet hazel eyes landed on Luke. He got a small smile on his face when he saw that the blue-eyed boy was by his side.

"That wasn't my best, sorry. My morning voice isn't my best singing voice," Ashton said, his voice rough. Luke couldn't say anything. He was literally frozen in place, his jaw on the floor. Ashton let out a cute giggle. "Say something, you idiot. You're scaring me."

"You're...what...how...?" Luke stammered, not sure of what to say.

"Where am I even? Why am I in a hospital?" Ashton asked, clearly confused and not remembering what he did to put him here. "Luke, are you okay?"

"H-hold on...I'll be right back. Don't go back to sleep, okay?" Luke instructed, making Ashton even more confused.

Luke quickly hurried out of the room. Calum and Michael looked at him, confused as to why Luke looked relieved after coming out of Ashton's room. Why would he be relieved? He was literally going to end his love's life.

"Um, where's Dr. Corden? It's kind of an emergency," Luke said, impatiently tapping the counter. The nurse got on the phone, paging the doctor.

Calum and Michael overheard Luke telling the nurse and quickly got up, rushing to the blonde's side. Had something gone wrong with Calum? Was he okay? Had he already passed?

"What's going on, Luke?" Calum asked him.

Luke turned to him, a wide smile forming on his face. "He's awake."

"What?" both boys asked at the same time, thinking that Luke was delusional.

Before he could answer them, Dr. Corden was rushing over to them, concern written all over his face. "What happened?"

"He's awake. Ashton's awake! I was singing to him and he woke up and started singing to me!" Luke said, his voice rising as he said the most delusional thing the nurses, the doctor, and the boys have ever heard.

"Are you sure you're not just hallucinating, son?" Dr. Corden quizzed.

"I'm serious! Come with me, I'll show you!" Luke said, pivoting on his foot and hurried over to Ashton's room.

He walked in, seeing Ashton looking at his arm that had IVs in with confusion and amazement. It made Luke smile, seeing the lifeless boy finally moving after that long time of being in that one position. Dr. Corden walked in behind him, the two boys and a nurse in tow.

To say the doctor was shocked was an understatement. He has never seen anything like this and he's dealt with endless amounts of comas. All signs that Ashton had been portraying were pointing to never waking up, yet here he is, lying awake in the bed.

"I'll be God damned," Dr. Corden said, looking at the confused boy.

"Can someone please tell me why I'm in here and why you're all looking at me like I'm some zoo animal?" Ashton asked, wanting to know what in hell was going on.

"You overdosed on pills and slipped into a coma. You've been in here ever since. Your body wasn't responding to any of the medication and you were showing worse and worse signs of survival every day, so we were actually getting prepared to-" Dr. Corden started, but then Calum stopped him.

"Do you remember anything, Ash?" Calum asked.

"I remember the last concert, Luke and I got into a big fight the night before and-" Ashton stopped himself, getting a heartbroken look on his face as he looked over to Luke. "Are...Do you really hate me?"

Luke's newly mended heart almost shattered as he looked at his devastated boyfriend. "N-no. I didn't mean anything I said to you that night."

"I know, you said that, but are you serious? Are we...together yet?" Ashton asked.

"Only if you want to be," Luke shrugged, shocked that Ashton had actually heard him crying and repeatedly apologizing to him.

Ashton quickly nodded. "More than anything. I love you, Luke."

A wide grin formed on Luke's face and tears rolled down his cheeks. "I love you too, Ashton."

Both of them truly meant it too.

——

The next day, Dr. Corden was coming back with test results to see how well Ashton was doing and how soon he could go back to performing. None of the boys left the hospital, Michael and Calum slept in the waiting room and Luke slept in Ashton's room on a cot. All four of them were beyond happy, something three of them thought they weren't going to feel ever again before Ashton magically woke up.

Ashton was still depressed, but he wasn't really that sad right now. It was just going to take a little help from his friends and maybe a professional to get out of this rut. After seeing the boys' relieved faces when they saw him awake was the thing that inspired the older boy to get better. He realized how shattered they must have been when they found him, how broken they were when they found out that it was likely he wasn't going to wake up. It made Ashton realize how much they actually did care for him. He didn't want to put them through that again.

"Well, boys, good news is that Ashton is doing well. He'll be able to go home or to your hotel in a few days if he keeps his health up. But when he does get out of here, I don't expect him to be onstage right away. He needs a little time to gain his motor skills back, which shouldn't be completely gone. He needs to get back into the routine of things before taking on touring again. Is that clear, Mr. Irwin?" Dr. Corden asked with a smile.

"Yes, doctor," Ashton agreed.

"Good. You have some very loving friends and a very loving boyfriend here, mister. They've been here everyday for you," Dr. Corden said, making all four of them blush.

"I know. I couldn't have asked for anyone better," Ashton smiled, meaning every word.

——


End file.
